So! I'm a bit... Bummed. My job at the library, being seasonal is over tomorrow. It wasnt the best place to be but I enjoyed it, and i'll miss the librarian I worked with the most. She was so charismatic and beautiful! She always requested books to me, knowing I love good erotic fiction (she just guessed one day after she saw me reading Tropic of Cancer in the staff room.)
I leave to Puerto Rico on July 4th. The tickets were a gift and my mother and kid brother are going as well, but not my stepdad, which is sad, because I relate to him much more than my mom. I've never had a very good relationship with her. As a child she neglected me often, and as a teenager I had certain issues she didn't want to cope with and that led to her kicking me out and giving my legal custody away to her Mother and Stepdad. I have only two real friends in PR, one of which is away in bootcamp, and the other which I hope to see.
I came to notice something about AJ and I... A few weeks ago, he messaged me online to tell me he's doing well but his phone had broken. We spoke for a while and he began to ask me personal questions which I couldnt help but give open and simple answers to, I then said "why are you asking me these things? You dont share those things with me." He replied, quite simply and sadly: "you dont ask questions... Ever. I'll answer anything you ask." And I noticed that it is true, the only thing I do ask is the usual: How are you? Etc. I've such a huge fear of coming off as nosy, nagging and annoying that I over do the whole personal space "thing". I noticed the following: I care, and have no idea how to show it. Lately, i've been noticing that people have an image of me: cold, distant and uninterested. My mother calls me "Doña Bárbara", and I thought she said this simply because of my love of the book and my odd ways... But no. She says it because Doña Bárbara is a cruel, but beautiful woman who can seduce but is clueless as how to love, blinded by her desire to dominate all and have everything, remaining stoic at all times. I've spent four years sitting here, crying over AJ (the only man i've EVER felt ANYTHING for.)But I admit: never have I openly, independently displayed affection. If it were up to me, we wouldnt speak... He calls, writes, messages, speaks, texts first, 99% of the time. If he doesn't, I get upset and say to myself: 'see? Thats why you shouldn't talk to him. Because he doesn't care.' thats pretty wrong of me...
I've never told him "I love you." Unless he says it first, then I say I do as well OR some vague reply. Asking him if he is well and hoping for him to elaborate isn't enough. I over do my image of the strong, freespirited, maneating, lone woman. No man wants a woman that doesn't want them, right?
Today, I check my messages and all I see is a simple message from him, reading: "te quiero, mucho." And I thought: "there must be something wrong or he must want something for such a random message. It's not like I said it to him..." Then I thought "wow... Thats right... I've never said anything loving to him, ever." It's eating at me now. Should I say something? If so what? When? Why should I?
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