Finding Sex on Omegle. Part 2:

Published by MitchieG in the blog MitchieG's blog. Views: 200

Yes this is again meant to be satire. I couldn't let what I deem to be a good joke pass. Some of the conversations have been changed slightly.

Dear Internet at large,

I recently tried to have sex with you, but you didn't answer my call. I tried and tried, and you sicked the Internet Police on me, like you didn't totally want it too. But internet, I want to get one thing straight with you; I am very horny, and I have a lot of time. I will have sex with somebody on the internet, no matter where or what they are. My virtual penis will go satisfied. I am like the horror movie cliché of horny teenagers; you can delay the inevitable, but I will get all up in that.

Your inevitable lover,

I think my warning was clear enough. Last time I came out disappointed, but today I'm getting shit done. Last time I was too timid, I was not assertive enough. I needed a new approach.

Stranger: hey
You: Hey stranger, take it off
Stranger: nope
You: Damn it...
You: How are you immune to my sex rays?!
Stranger: i dunnno
You: Fuck, well... I guess I'll be on my way.

I know what that looks like. That looks like a definite failure, but I was feeling optimistic, I can still save this ship. Clearly I just wasn't assertive enough, I was too passive in my sex-getting. It's like sitting on the subway and asking somebody to smell your finger; sometimes you just have to have enough initiative to stick your finger under their nose.

You: Hey stranger, what are you wearing?
Stranger: nothing but im a guy
You: Oh hot.

I was very frustrated at this point. This operation has taken me countless days, and in internet time, days are months. You know how blue your internet balls would be in months? I had to get some somewhere, and it was beginning to look like gay sex was my only answer. Might as well plunge right into my first gay experience rather than fret and worry about it, like a pussy would.

"I am no pussy!" I told myself as I ripped my shirt open at the chest.

You: Sex?
Stranger: yeah
You: Oh perfect, I'm ready.
You: Let me put some mood music on for us.
You: YouTube - ‪Barry White - Can't Get Enough Of Your Love Baby.‬‏

I knew Barry White would have my back in all situations, including this one. Despite my willingness, I was still nervous, even though this wasn't a 'real' session and therefore not actually gay, I had never even regarded a man in such light. It was very strange and uncomfortable for me, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to lose my gay-ginity to a total stranger.

Stranger: i just like to be slapped arounf like the hard core slut that i am
You: Oh... well, I'm not really that kind of lover, I'm more of a tender kind of guy.

My palms were sweating onto my keyboard, I almost thought about ringing it out so that I could type without my fingers sliding about like curling stones on a disgusting patch of sweat and plastic. The minutes felt like hours, waiting in anticipation at the answer my potential first gay encounter would give, whether he was disappointed or not. Then I realized it almost had been an hour, the guy was just sitting there in front of his keyboard, or something.

You: hello?
You: Fuckdamnit! Why does this keep happening?!

In the end, it didn't work out with my first boy toy, but he will be remembered fondly. I didn't let the failure get the best of me, however. This is a great wide internet we live in. Someone, somewhere on this great length of wires and servers must want to fuck me.

You: Hey stranger
You: I'm 19, male, Canadian, ever so horny
Stranger: yes
Stranger: fuck me

Victory has been achieved. The world was more enlightened now; Now that I have discovered there is sex on the internet, and I did it for science!

You: :) Wait just a second, tell me about yourself?
Stranger: great
Stranger: how u ll fuck me

Well, maybe not? This felt wooden and wrong. This wasn't sex, this was a person demanding soulless internet thrusts from me, and I didn't believe they had earned it. Who does he or she think he or she is? Is there no romance or chivalry left in the world? When I meet somebody and want to have a one night stand with them, I don't just proclaim “Yes. Fuck me!” It's not how things work. People have nuances and desires that need to be explored; how can I have sex – the ultimate act of vulnerability between two people – with somebody as cold and unfeeling as this. When I fuck a stranger in real life, I have the decency of not making them feel like they fucked a cardboard box.

You: Well, I have no idea if you're a woman or a man or something in between.
Stranger: i m f
Stranger: 18
You: From where, hot stuff?
Stranger: uk
Stranger: now how colud u do that
You: :) A hot little brit, that's sexy
You: I've always wanted a british girl for myself.
Stranger: yes
Stranger: so now wats up??
Stranger: babe

I couldn't take it. This person wasn't human. I didn't desire this person, in fact I loathed them at this point; It was as if I was being punished for looking for casual sex on the internet with the worst casual sex you could ever have on the internet. It's like if you were walking in a desert, looking for water and you found an oasis entirely filled with mucus. This person didn't understand the fundamentals of sex, the act of two people letting their bodies communicate, but rather wished I'd do everything. It felt wrong, stupid, pointless and cruel.

You: Are you fucking shitting me? Honestly. Do you know what it's like to be human? I've been sifting through conversations for hours to have sex with somebody and you just sit there telling me to fuck you? Don't you think I deserve better than that? What are you made of fucking tin or some shit? HOW AM I TO FUCK THE UNFUCKABLE?!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Exhaustion had leaked my body and my mind of its essence. It wasn't me delivering strokes to the keyboard at that point; I was a shell of lost hopes. If my mother would have walked in, she either would have not recognized me or believed I was murdered by the very concept of depression. Beauty didn't exist to me in that moment in time, and if I would have died then, I would have waved good bye to a fruitless and ugly world. And then hope reared it's head, and showed me that beauty leaves no one behind.

You: Hey stranger
Stranger: hiya
You: I'm a guy, 19, Canadian
Stranger: oh okayz
You: How about you, if you don't mind me asking?
Stranger: well im 22 female
Stranger: from new york
Stranger: trying to find a sweet guy

Hope reared her beautiful, merciful head, and she was twenty two, female and from New York. Hope sought a sweet guy, and I felt it deep in my heart, that perhaps I still owned sweetness. I still knew sweetness.

You: Seek no more!
You: YouTube - ‪Barry White - Can't Get Enough Of Your Love Baby.‬‏
You: How ya doin'?

It was almost impossible to not say all this aloud, as well as raising my eyebrow.

Stranger: what?
Stranger: u trying to seduce me ?
Stranger: sounds like a good diea
Stranger: idea
Stranger: soo entertain me sexy
Stranger: show me what im missing babe
You: Not really sure what I can do in my power to show you what you're missing, sugar.

Stranger: well get me horny for starters
You: I believe the Barry White should do it's job.
Stranger: eh i wanna know what u would doo to me

Hope had a beautiful, caring, merciful face, yet I didn't feel she was there for me. She was there for somebody who could get satisfaction out of typing dirty words at a stranger. It didn't feel right, and as much as I would hate making my entire search meaningless, who was I to force something I couldn't feel?

You: You know what? I've been at this for too long.
You: It's granted me nothing.
You: I need a real woman.
You: good luck, have a good day.
Stranger: awww
Stranger: i am a real woman
Stranger: show m what im missing babe
Stranger: i wanna feel u inside me ^_--
You: I mean real to me. Not just words on a screen. My heart belongs to somebody else, and that is a woman of flesh and blood. I hope you find what you came here to find. I know I didn't.
You have disconnected.
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