In need of varying advice. I recently posted a message stating that my wife left me and I did not know why because she would not talk to me. The not talking was actually the main problem, but after about a week, I got her to start talking to me via emails, and this is what we learned. A little background first. We both come from dysfunctional backgrounds and lacked most of the skills needed to make a healthy relationship. As a result we bent over backwards trying to give each other the happiness we did not get growing up. This left us financially strained and building separate lives. My wife was controlled by an overprotective mother and dominating sisters. She was also molested. Her only means of escape was a guy she met that was eight years older then her. He also comes from a male dominant society, and controlled her every move. When she met me, we were friends for a long time before we started to date. After our marriage we were best friends, forsaking all of out other friends. I came from a very free make your own way and speak your mind type of family my mother is absolutely perfect and the complete definition of unconditional love. Her only fault was that she nurtured alcoholics. My step father was an abusive drunk who hated my brothers and me because we received so much love from our mother. We were also Scottish barbarians and my step father considered himself a Roman. There was a lot of conflict there. I tried to give my wife the freedom that I thought I had. I now know she didn’t need that. A few years after our marriage, we were bombarded by what I call external chaos. Most of it was in the form of one needy family member after another living with us and taxing our sanity. The last and worst was when a fourteen year old half sibling (my fathers daughter from his second marriage now divorced) I had not seen since she was three moved crossed the street from us. We accidentally received mail at my house due to the same last name. Turns out her mother, my step mother I never knew, was a junkie and my sister was running away from her. Soon after that she came to live with us, and then my half brother came to live there also. These two were extremely damaged and with the exception of keeping my brother from joining the gang he was about to join, we could not stop them from extremely self-destructive behavior. My sister kept a loose dialog with her mom this whole time. We would soon learn how badly the drugs had fucked her up. About a year later there was a knock on our door at eleven pm. When we opened the door, there was this six year old boy with a new born baby in his arms. He tells us his mom said he had to come live here. We did not have children so we took them in and raised them as our own. That was eleven years ago and a ton of heartache. Even with counseling and a complete showering of sports, gifts and love, we could not save our son. At sixteen he told us that he would rather drink and use drugs then finish school. He went to live with his mom because she has no rules. At eleven our daughter is still great, but she is extremely beautiful and knows it. I fear for her. She is trying to grow up to fast. This is probably normal. Through most of the chaos, I was working on the road Monday thru Friday and spent the weekends exhausted and lethargic. My wife was so happy to be able to get away, that she would do stuff with her sisters on the weekends while I handled the home stuff. She began to hide in here sisters lives and I began to hide in computer games and internet porn. The porn escalated to some pretty sick stuff and finally she asked me stop it and I did. Over my years of traveling my wife told me she was lonely and expressed an interest in girls and we agreed that she could have a girlfriend if I got to watch occasionally. She looked but never acted on it. I was very good and inventive in bed so I was not jealous at all. Four years ago I quit my traveling job, and we bought a new house an hour away from her family (we used to live next door}.I call my son leaving the last of the chaos. He turns eighteen in a few weeks. After several months of “quite” I noticed my wife did not like to be home. She also stopped saying all the simple things, like good morning and good night. I would ask her if something was wrong, and she would just say, “No, what do you want me to say?” This went on for awhile. Four months ago she started a new job, on swing shift and it seemed like she would not come home right after work. She told me she was having drinks with her new friends from work. While she was home, she played the most perfect wife ever. In April she told me she was going to go on a girl’s only trip to Vegas with some of her married friends. They all needed to get away from the husbands. I gave her a grand for her birthday and let her go. While she was there she would not answer her cell phone and would only send little messages to tell she was still alive. You can see what this sounds like, and it is sort of true. When she came back she was very allusive about her trip, and was even more distant, while pretending to be the perfect wife. I wrote her a letter saying that I knew something was wrong, and we need to talk about it. I go to sleep early and she came home at nine read my letter, gave me head, and told me nothing was wrong. We lay in each others arms and finished watching the baseball game while she complained about her day. The next day when I came home from work, she was gone and a Dear John letter was on the desk. So now to the present After about two weeks, my wife came home, and this is what she told me. After the chaos cleared, she didn’t know who she was. She had been doing a lot of soul searching with her family, and friends. She thought she did not love me, but after a two week absence she realized it was not us, it was our crazy life style. She says she misses the butterflies I always used to give her. We agreed to get counseling and start to work on spending more quality time together. She still has a problem communicating and with the help of email and letter writing, we are working on that. Yippy for us. Now to the problem. I am getting old and am out of shape. My job has broken me up and I suffer from aches and pains. I don’t think I have been able to satisfy her for several years. When we first me she was afraid of an orgasm, because of her childhood, now she is multi-orgasmic, and if she does not have ten, she is not fully satisfied. This makes me feel very bad and insecure. I am going for a physical, and starting to exercise. A few nights ago, I was giving her a massage, and she was drunk on wine. She started to tell me that for two years she has been having an affair with a married woman she met thru an old co-worker. As we suspected for years, her co-worker and all her friends are bi-sexual. She says nobody can know because co-worker “likes” my wife and her lover, but neither wants to be with the co-worker. Also the woman’s husband is one of those insecure macho guys that can’t understand the need for a different, softer touch. I asked if she would let me watch them some time, and she said no because her lover would freak out. In fact she is not even going to tell her that she told me. I was so turned on by this story that I began to kiss and fuck my wife while asking her details about her activities. We were both turned on, but I still think I failed to satisfy her. She also told me that although no one knows about the affair. Her trip to Vegas was one big Lesbian fest. She said she still wants to see her a couple of times a month. We agreed that she would, but she has to tell me about it. No more secrets. Now for my dilemma. The next day I was bummed out that my wife was living this secret life. I started thinking that I to miss the great sex and I do not have an outlet. Although I want her to continue her bi-sexual life, I feel jealous and left out. Should I let her continue? Should I find something on the side for me? I feel that my wife has broken the trust that we had, and now I am experiencing feelings I never had before. Any advice? Feel free to email.