Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by jam, Oct 29, 2003.

  1. jam

    jam New Member

    Oct 29, 2003
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    I need some advice from strangers...

    I have just finished with my girlfriend after 2 years, and both she and I are completely devistated.. :( (more so her), you know when you get the sudden urge to be single again and you shake it off, once that happens it's extremely hard to get it out of your head. We are both only 20 years old and I love her to pieces! but on the other hand, I am only 20 after all and there is alot I want to do before I settle down like going on holiday with the lads and stuff like that!

    Now she is ringing me everyday crying down the phone, telling me how much she loves me and how I have broken her heart, which is really not helping me as I am feeling really gutted as it is!

    The last thing I want to do is to start going back out with her cos I feel sorry for her (which has happened already) but I do not want to break her heart! :(

    Is it normal for someone to feel this gutted after breaking up with someone? Or is that a sign that I still want them..?

    Please help..
  2. WyldFyr

    WyldFyr New Member

    Jan 20, 2004
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    You're Human

    Don't know as I'm one to be giving advice, seeing as how my live-in boyfriend & I of two years just split, but here goes.
    You can be "In Love" w/ anyone, real LOVE is what's left after the 'in love' feeling goes away. Do you really miss HER or do you miss her AS YOUR GIRLFRIEND? Are you sure your really missing the whole relationship you had? Or just the security of knowing you were WITH someone? Chances are, since ya'll did break up, there were reasons, specified or not, and chances are that if you tried to make it work, you break up again for the same reasons, but after putting yourself through more pain & anguish. Your ex is being very manipulative, maybe she just doesn't like 'losing' or feels guilty for whatever reasons & wants to make herself feel better by making you the bad guy. I will tell you this, she knows exactly what she is doing & apparently it is having the effect on you that she was hoping for. (I can say w/ certainty that she consciously knows she's being manipulative because though I'm not proud of it, I've done that before to ex-boyfriends, & so have EVERY one of my female friends at one time or another) Nothing good ever comes of it. I would say stay friends, but in reality, that's not going to happen, at least for a LONG time. Right now what you need to do is CUT HER OFF. I would vehemently THANk my current ex if he had done that. Anything else will just give her hope that she has a chance & draw out your inevitable seperation, probably w/ many unneccessary hard feelings.
    Don't play games, don't tell her the word LOVE at all! Not as friends, nada. Even if you do, or just think you do. It's unfair to her & selfish of you. Your obviously a good guy, & you care, but don't confuse sympathy & guilt or lust or whatever for love. If you care about her you will walk away & leave it alone (& tell her to as well in no un certain terms) you'll save her pride & any respect you may have for her in the long run. Love is holding on & LETTING GO.
    It's going to suck, a LOT. It's going to hurt in ways that could cripple a rhino, but you should take away from the relationship things you learned, about yourself & relationships in general, maybe now you have a better idea of what you need in a relationship, or maybe could do better in the next one( & even if you don't believe me now, there WILL be a next one) Try not to be bitter, try not to be mean, but if you really had a great relationship w/ her & were completely happy & fulfilled, I guarantee you, you would not have broken up in the first place. I hope this helped even a little. Good luck, be strong & know in your heart your doing what's best(for both of you) :)
  3. tsukassa

    tsukassa New Member

    Dec 14, 2003
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    i have one simple thing to say if you want her back go for it but if it is done let me assure you that it wasnt meant to be if you broke up and that only means that your search is still on but if you love her with all your heart but you wanna be single for awhile just maybe tell her you just wanna take a break you know try new things and that you are not really on the verge of breaking up. because chances are she thinks that it was something she did so i suggest to ease your as well as her pain assure her that she did nothing wrong i know this sounds like the ol' "its not you, its me" speech but it could work and i know what youre going through but i hope this helps. ,tsukassa
  4. Logger

    Logger Well-Known Member

    Dec 6, 2003
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    Responsibility for sorrow.

    Avoiding seeing a woman, to avoid the possibility for making her feel sad for breaking up again.

    You have not really descirbed what it is you want in a woman. As you mature and grow older, your desires for qualities in a woman will change. So ther are two sets of values, one for now, and one you will expect to have in your future stages.

    Loving is risking being hurt, and a relatgionshiip is a certainty of being hurt. So you might give some thought to being prepared to extend comfort when hurt occurs. What are your systems for assisting others who are sad? What books have you glanced over? What books hade you read? What systems do you find helpful?

    One of my desires that I had difficulty expressing when I was young, was that I was interested in a woman to be faithful to me, and to give me a feeling of an assurance of the woman giving me a feeling of being excited about me, over other guys.

    Right now, since I am old, I am intrerested in a woman who will make a good nursemaid when I am sick, as my heallth fails before death. I want a woman I can trust to make me the food I deisre to eat, when I am too sick to make my own food. I don't want to hear, "Well you can't have what you want to eat because of the Doctor says..." I just want to die happy. How many men think about that when they are 20?

    Have you made a list of what you want the lady to do differently? Sitting down for lunch, and going over what changes you want, may risk leading her on, but you could owe it to yourself, to list out what you want changed, so you will know what is important to you for the future. If having free time with the guys is important, you could let her know that. What are your conditions for getting back to gether again? perhhhaps you could say, "I dont think you are really intersted in having a love relationship with me, because these are the parametes of my needs and desires. As I understrand your needs and desires, ther are substantial conflicts. How do you suggest we resolve these conflicts?

    To be constructive, you might have to reslove to let her know more of your desires, so that she will be deeply more sad, as she relaizes what your needs and desires are, and that compatability is low, and her needs would be better met elsewhere.

    The questions you pose on the meaning of feelings seem misplaced. There is a relationship there, in some state of disrepair. What I think is important is your principles. Certainly avoiding hurting another person needlessly, is a poplular principle. I think a higher principle is to be aware of your needs, desires and committments, and to let the woman know what you want her to change, to make the relationship work. If you attempt to make your requests as reasonable as possible, and you present the requests in a thoughtful manner, giving her time to consider your ideas; Then you have made it her choice of whether to continue the relaitonship. The phrase for an ehtical break up, I think it is important to say, is, "I laid out my needs to her, and we could not work it out."

    #4 Logger, Feb 14, 2004
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2004
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