Separate names with a comma.
Well, I'm back down in Battle Creek. Got a temporary place to stay until my check comes in, and then I'm looking to get an apartment to tide me over for the time being. Though word from a certain lady friend says that she's nearly ready to split that apartment with me down in North Carolina, so looks like I'm going to be getting me a 3-month lease and taking a trip on down there soon.
So, I'm now working on moving out. My friend and coworker decided to take one little area of myself that bothered him, and blew it way out of proportion.
He essentially got pissed off, and suddenly I've "Done nothing but sit on my ass and not help out". So, despite all my hard work here, it's been shown that I'm not appreciated at all.
So, now I'm working out arrangements to move, while trying to maintain university deadlines (I just turned in a few assignments late due to the drama).
I know I already have been fairly inactive lately, and I apologize. I've been working my tail off on many things, and haven't had time to really get on here (Heck, I haven't even had time to record for my YouTube series that I have running right now).
I'll post updates as I get them folks, hope to see you again soon.
Usually, the motel calms down around this time of year. Yet we've been pretty much packed solid this last week or so. Add on the fact that I just started classes again, and that I just got my Youtube partnership, I've been a bit busier than I normally am.
I'm so sore, especially my knees. Right before being packed solid, we've been moving all the furniture from our rooms here, and tearing up carpets. Then replacing said carpets, and moving all that furniture back again. I love this job, but sometimes it can be so rough on my joints (Knees and back got messed up something bad in the military).
Whew, gonna go put ice on my knees, and maybe have a cup of tea. I need to unwind something fierce before cleaning all our rooms again tomorrow.
So, the boss left today, so that's a huge relief. Means things will be a bit smoother for a bit.
I let my sex friend know that he's gone, but he's not available until Friday morning >< So now, we're sexting, and I'm rock-hard with nobody to fuck. Oh cruel fate, make it be Friday already!
So, that risk of losing my home? Still here, for the time being. I think the boss is here for only a few more days, so still gotta see if my friend can keep his cool under the pressure (The boss is a real hardass, and the work is never done, and never done right in his eyes).
However, I am now the assistant manager, so if things go over well this week, I should have this rent-free place to live until I can save up some money. Hooray~
Now I just wish the time would hurry up and the boss to leave, my boy toy's been getting antsy on the email, and I want him here ><
If you find yourself in the position of group sex like I was last week, don't take Oxycontin. It relaxes all your muscles. ALL OF THEM. Good luck keeping it hard and fully enjoying the experience.
This has been a tidbit of advice from your local nympho
I just got some AMAZING news today folks. I just got word in on my financial aid! I make about 1,500 a month on my GI Bill, though previously most of it went to tuition. My financial aid is going to cover me for just over 6k a year (I pay around 7500 a year for tuition)! I've also been told I still can use my Chapter 30 GI Bill with the FA! Granted, I have to pay back those loans, but not until I'm out of school in a few years. This means that I have one month's worth of GI Bill that goes to tuition a year, and the rest I can use however I need (Note, need).
This means I could probably get my license, get a car, and be able to afford to move by spring at the latest! I checked as well on those expenses, and a vehicle/place to live/food are all considered educational expenses (It is rather hard to do school without a roof over my head or without food in the stomach).
I can't even begin to describe just how goddamn excited and elated I am. It's hard to believe that just a bit ago I was downing sleeping pills I was so miserable. Now I finally have a way to move on in life, and really get going with what I need to do.
I'm literally in tears right now, trying not to get paint on my face (My hands are covered in paint from working on the shed while it's dry out).
Finally, I catch a break *happy tears*
I have to say thank you all for being there for me. I still have not gotten a reply back from my counselor about the job, but I imagine she'll get back to me before the day is over.
In the meantime, and in case this doesn't pan out, I've made a decision. I want a purpose in my life, and a way to support myself and any potential partner in the future. So, I'm doing something I've wanted to do for most of my life. I'm taking up the guitar, and plan on trying to learn not only how to play, but how to properly compose (I have a little composition experience, but not a whole lot).
I've wanted to play the guitar for years, but could never afford an instrument, nor did I have anyone to teach me. However, here where I live, we have an electric and acoustic guitar. My friend is also here and he knows at least a few chords and can help me learn. Also, we have Rocksmith, which can help me to learn chords and whatnot when he leaves.
I know it's something that will take some time to learn, but I've always loved music, and wished I could make magic like so many others have. I'm willing to put all my frustrations, all my anger and sorrow into something beautiful and constructive.
Even if I somehow don't make a living off of this, I'll be happy if I can even release a single album. As much as I wanted to make my own business on the web, I've always felt myself more creatively attuned, and I think this path will lead me to a much more fulfilling life.
I'll still come on here when I get the chance because I love you folks, but if I happen to be away for a few days at a time or even a week or two, trust in me that I'm working my fingers to the bone (I plan on learning without a pick, a true artist should have calluses on their fingers, a mark of their dedication).
Of course, if I do write up / perform an amazing song, ya'll will be the first to hear it (Besides those that live with me, of course).
I know I've been away for a good bit now, and I really feel bad about why I have been. Life has gotten really rough for me in the last few weeks. I'm probably looking at losing my current home, still can't find work, have no car, no money (My FAFSA delayed my schooling for a few months, no school means no GI Bill, which is all I've been living off of for now). I got desperate, terrified, and lonely.
All this weighed down so heavily on me, so I downed a bunch of sleeping pills and tried to end my suffering. However, it didn't work, and being ill and in bed for nearly a week meant what few friends I have kept me hydrated and alive, despite my weak struggling against their aid.
I can only hope things will get better for me, but there's really no relief in sight. I can only hope, and sometimes that's really tough to do. I'm just so sorry that I dropped so low as to try to end my life, and I hope ya'll don't think any less of me for it *hugs all of you*
Yeah, that's why I've been a bit absent lately. Last five or six years, my health has steadily become more...fragile. Working in a motel and taking care of dirty sheets and towels exposes me to more than I can handle sometimes.
Been trying to get as many fluids in me as possible (I think I've had at least a few gallons a day of water), and trying to rest. Sadly though, there is still work to be done, and I cannot rest too much =/
Broke my dry-spell today!
It's really no secret that I probably suffer from chronic clinical depression. I can't say I have insurance or enough money to actually go and see a psychiatrist or psychologist or counselor, but I'm fairly certain I know what I'm feeling.
Some days are much better than others, and I feel right on top of the world, like I can do anything. Then I come crashing down and find myself breaking down in tears for no reason whatsoever, hiding away so no one sees me as the mess that I am.
The last few months have been especially harsh on me. I've fallen in love a few times (I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm afraid), gotten shot down just as many times. I've been trying to quit smoking, and I rarely drink liquor anymore. While quitting is good for my body, and to some extent my mind, it also adds so much extra stress on me, that it tests my resolve time after time.
Addiction runs rampant through my family, whether it's alcohol, weed, sex, food, cigarettes, gambling. If there's an addiction, there's someone in my family that's got it. Even so, I've fought above genetics to knock out most of the addiction (I only drink once a month or so, and I smoke about 3-6 cigarettes a day now). It just drives me insane to do it.
I'm addicted to sex, and that's the one addiction I can't seem to bury at all. Each passing day marks more and more that my mind comes to the topic. The lack of confidence that creates the lack of sex is a problem I've yet to resolve. I try, and try, and try, but I still have panic attacks when I'm trying to bed anyone. I know, I know, stop trying to bed folks, and just try to get to know them. I've been told this, but anytime I get to know them, they just want to be friends, and that's not what I want. I want someone that can handle my level of sexual desire, even if for just a night.
I've got no car, no job, a medical discharge slowing me down from getting a job. To top it off, what little money I did make was on my GI Bill, after tuition was paid. Because of my Pell Grant needing to process, I don't start school now until November. Which means I have no money until then.
To top it off, the motel I currently live at and work for room, the boss doesn't know I live here. He thinks I'm here all the time, but when he shuts down his other motel in another state and comes to stay here in the winter, I have no idea what I'll do. If he sees me living here, it'll probably cost my friend his job, unless his boss agrees to let me stay and help. The boss knows I'm a hard worker, and has personally called on me for help here before, so I think he might go for it. If not, I have no idea what I'll do. I'll likely end up on the streets with no where to call home.
Despite all these troubles plaguing me, somehow I feel alright half of the time. The other half, I'm busy having panic attacks and weeping myself to sleep.
I'll be honest with all of you, since I consider you to be really great friends. I've even had thoughts of suicide cross my mind more and more often. It just seems like sometimes, I just need to re-roll on my life.
I never do go through with it though, since I have someone I desire, though I think she's getting farther and farther apart from me. A few months ago, I told her I'd wait for her to be ready for a relationship, but only if I stood even a chance. It seems that she talks to me less often as the days go on though, and when we do talk, it's not for nearly as long or as deep as it used to be.
I feel like maybe I've been too sexual with her, for her sex isn't a big thing. This pains me that someone who usually understands me and accepts me for who I am, denies this part of me and thinks it is too much. Sex is the only thing we ever argue or disagree on, which is hell for me, because sex is a huge part of a relationship for me. I express my love through gentle touches and the caressing of lips and fingers, trusting each other with your most sensitive parts at your most vulnerable times. If there's no sex, then it's really not much different than a friendship. While I love her, and I will always be there for her, no matter what, if she can't embrace my sexuality, I feel like this is doomed before it even gets off the ground.
Some days, I just want to up and leave. Just start walking, and walking. To give up my material possessions, my schooling, everyone I know, and just go on a journey for myself. I wouldn't know where to go, but my feet would. I'm not sure how I'd eat along the way, but I'd find a way I suppose. Who knows, maybe it would do me more good than anything I've ever done before in my life. That, or I could just die of hunger wandering across any land my feet can take me (Unless I harvested the bounties of what is left of nature, though I can't say I can name or identify half the poisonous plants in this city, let alone country).
I apologize for the long post, but if you read through all this, then you know why I had to post it. This for me, is a form of therapy. These blogs, no matter how morbid, or how redundant they sometimes get, help me to feel better. So I'm going to continue to write them as long as I need to, audience or no.
So many personal ads that I could actually be satisfying if I wasn't an hour's drive from the nearest big city. >< So frustrating sometimes. Can't wait until I can afford to move, seriously. Everyone in this town is married, taken, or don't exist it seems ><
I know I was going to get some pics out for my 100 post, but we've been so full up at the motel lately that I haven't had the chance to hardly sit down, let alone find props for my pics. It's looking like I might get a chance in the next few days though, so I'll get them pics in soon ^_^
I'm going to start making shirts on Cafepress.com in support of the LGBT community, to try and raise money to help work towards my gender re-assignment surgery and procedures. Since I can't get health insurance until 2014 (I've got prior-conditions, and that's when insurance companies can no longer deny you based on such), 20-60k is a big bill to swallow. I know that unless I get really, really lucky, this design-work won't bring in nearly enough to cover the bill, though it might help me get started. Maybe help me work my way to the electrolysis to begin with, who knows? I'm hopeful, though not too much so.