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So, today I spoke with the infamous AJ. After doing so, I can say I am fairly disgusted. When speaking, he said: "Well, we'll never be together, but even if I had a partner. I'd still fuck you. I like you that much." After that epic turn off I went on to say that the day I'm in a relationship, he can't expect me to do the same for him, that I believe in loyalty and when I am in a relationship with a man, I will be all his. No sharing. Why stray if one person can make you happy? His immature remark was:"So when you decide to have a relationship, I'm screwed? I disagree, I want to get it in, all time. I don't care with who."
After speaking for a while, I felt like he was rubbing in my face: You're just a good lay and thats all you'll ever be.
Afterwards, he went on to tell me what a woman I was, how appealing I am and my sexual skills.
Now I can finally let him go.
Normally, I could care less... I love sex and I love men... and women. Even so, I cling to the idea that someday I'll find the right person. To have the ONE man you've ever had feelings for, moved from one country to another for and just wanted for so long say such things... It was very painful. I love having FWB, but this man lied so much, he could replace Pinocchio. If you just want to fuck, don't tell me you love me, don't hound me for years, don't ask me to marry you and then act like it didn't happen. You are not my friend, and your benefits are over.
So! I'm a bit... Bummed. My job at the library, being seasonal is over tomorrow. It wasnt the best place to be but I enjoyed it, and i'll miss the librarian I worked with the most. She was so charismatic and beautiful! She always requested books to me, knowing I love good erotic fiction (she just guessed one day after she saw me reading Tropic of Cancer in the staff room.)
I leave to Puerto Rico on July 4th. The tickets were a gift and my mother and kid brother are going as well, but not my stepdad, which is sad, because I relate to him much more than my mom. I've never had a very good relationship with her. As a child she neglected me often, and as a teenager I had certain issues she didn't want to cope with and that led to her kicking me out and giving my legal custody away to her Mother and Stepdad. I have only two real friends in PR, one of which is away in bootcamp, and the other which I hope to see.
I came to notice something about AJ and I... A few weeks ago, he messaged me online to tell me he's doing well but his phone had broken. We spoke for a while and he began to ask me personal questions which I couldnt help but give open and simple answers to, I then said "why are you asking me these things? You dont share those things with me." He replied, quite simply and sadly: "you dont ask questions... Ever. I'll answer anything you ask." And I noticed that it is true, the only thing I do ask is the usual: How are you? Etc. I've such a huge fear of coming off as nosy, nagging and annoying that I over do the whole personal space "thing". I noticed the following: I care, and have no idea how to show it. Lately, i've been noticing that people have an image of me: cold, distant and uninterested. My mother calls me "Doña Bárbara", and I thought she said this simply because of my love of the book and my odd ways... But no. She says it because Doña Bárbara is a cruel, but beautiful woman who can seduce but is clueless as how to love, blinded by her desire to dominate all and have everything, remaining stoic at all times. I've spent four years sitting here, crying over AJ (the only man i've EVER felt ANYTHING for.)But I admit: never have I openly, independently displayed affection. If it were up to me, we wouldnt speak... He calls, writes, messages, speaks, texts first, 99% of the time. If he doesn't, I get upset and say to myself: 'see? Thats why you shouldn't talk to him. Because he doesn't care.' thats pretty wrong of me...
I've never told him "I love you." Unless he says it first, then I say I do as well OR some vague reply. Asking him if he is well and hoping for him to elaborate isn't enough. I over do my image of the strong, freespirited, maneating, lone woman. No man wants a woman that doesn't want them, right?
Today, I check my messages and all I see is a simple message from him, reading: "te quiero, mucho." And I thought: "there must be something wrong or he must want something for such a random message. It's not like I said it to him..." Then I thought "wow... Thats right... I've never said anything loving to him, ever." It's eating at me now. Should I say something? If so what? When? Why should I?
As I mentioned in my previous blog entry, I have been pretty much stuck with the same guy since I was 17 years old, and I recently turned 20. We don't see a lot of each other due to my going here and there and to his work. Regardless, we always keep in touch, and even though we are not together (we feel it wouldnt be fair.) And speak to other people, we just 'prefer' each others company a million times more than anyone else. It just feels way better, and the sex is amazing. However, I am not a very "smushy" person that is not very open about her feelings. I've very strong emotions, but i'd rather not express them. I'm very private as well, and anyone that doesnt know me well can say I come off as cold, distant and uninterested. Sadly, he is the same, x10. We have a horrible time getting our feelings across. Lately, I try (when he actually has the oportunity to speak) to be more open, warmer, etc... But he's always horribly distant. It's frustrating, this BS has been going on for years, and I'd like to hear from his mouth, straight up, what he wants from me. I'm truly making an effort to have him open up and it seems to be in vain.
I really have tried to meet new men since him, and I have. Never have I fallen in love with anyone but him. I meet people regularly, and the only thing i'll feel, if anything (besides friendship) is sexual attraction, and even that is rare, because I dont often meet attractive people. I've had very good men offer me things and be wonderful to me, and yet, I feel nothing and eventually they become repulsive.
My best friend, a man i've known since we were children of about 12 years old, has recently taken a strong liking to me. It pains me, because he is everything I like in men: hard working, affectionate,caring, honest, intelligent, etc... We like the same things, he knows me well, and is very handsome. To top it off, he, like AJ (my 4 year on/off lover) is in the military. I see him once or twice a year. I do love my best friend, but not like that. I care for him deeply, but as a person, not as a parter... Which is odd, considering he's all I like in a man.
It is odd... And frightening to never feel no emotional attachment. My family is convinced I will be alone forever and never marry or have children and all that, all because i've never brought home a guy and said "this is my boyfriend". It makes me wonder: is there something wrong with me? Am I too picky? Even for sexual partners i'm horribly selective, which is why I go "dry" for such long periods of time.
I don't want to be alone forever, but I also rather be alone than in bad company...
I can safely say, I spend a good chunk of my day thinking about sex. There isn't much time between one naughty thought and the next. Even as I go about my day, my main thought is always sex or anything related to. I'm not sick, it is just the way i'm wired. I've always been very sexual and orgasmic. My mother (the most blunt woman I know, vulgar even at times, lol) said a few days ago, in spanish: "when you were a child I considered therapy for you. You were always smushing your Barbies and Kens, Barbies with Barbies, too, together, and taking off their clothes and doing obscene things with them... And I would often find you with your dresses up, grinding your parts against your stuffed animals and blankets and the bed. It worried me. I thought you'd be a big puta* when you grew up." It was a pretty embarrassing thought! How did I know those things as a child, anyway? I was very sheltered. My maternal grandma and her husband (mothers stepdad) did most of the raising, and to this day firmly believe i'm an innocent young lady, as pure as snow.
However, there are periods of time, where I feel the sexual thought are TOO much. I wake up aroused, am pretty much ready to go all day and spend every second thinking about getting fucked in endless ways, and even after pleasuring myself countless times, I go to sleep wanting more, and actually sit here and cry because there are people out there having sex and I am not. I have horrible luck when it comes to finding lovers, and have been stuck on the same man (let's call him AJ) for over 3 years, we would like to be together, but due to him being in the military, we dont see much of each other.
Lately, i've been overly obsessive, and I cannot seem to distract myself. On my way home today, I take a seat alone on the subway. I'm sitting there, reading Tropic of Capricorn (bad choice. I know) and I decide to look up. when I look at the man across from me, I notice there is a hole about an inch in circumference in the crotch of his pants, and the tip of his penis is peeking through. The man, was in no way appealing, but regardless, penis is penis and is always amusing. I began to think those infamous thoughts of mine, when suddenly, the man looks up and jets out of the subway car, and in come two policemen.
Now, If you know me, you know I have a weakness for men in uniform. A huge weakness. The last thing I fucking needed was for two absolutely gorgeous cops, tall, muscular and broad shouldered, to stand by me, one right next to me, and the other right in front of me, with his crotch about ten inches away from my face. I stared down at my book, crossed my legs, and spent the rest of my ride trying not to think of how peachy it would be to have my wrists and ankles cuffed, spread eagle and for them to have their way with me. The rest of my trip home was not a comfortable (or dry) one. By now, i'm sure the world is out to mock me! Lol.