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  1. Random thoughts.....

    How does one make major decisions in your life when your head tells you on thing but your heart says something else? Do you go with your heart or with what you believe is right?

    How does one fix a relationship with a daughter that at one time you were best friends with? When you can't seem to communicate with the person at all...they seem to be embarrassed that you are their parent? She won't allow one back in...there are wall that have been built and one would need a crane with a huge wrecking ball to break...
  2. Today I am missing two people that have made a huge impact in my life.

    21 years ago my Aunt was cremated (committed suicide on 12/18). Her daughter in her horrific time tried to remember when my birthday was so NOT to have her mother cremated on "my" day. For whatever reason my cousin choose my birthday, to have this done. It has been a very hard learned lesson for me. NEVER TAKE THE TIME WE HAVE ON THIS EARTH FOR GRANTED! I'm not exactly happy that she was cremated on this day but I don't feel badly, I feel honored. My cousin tells me almost every time that we talk that I am SO much like her mother that it is truly an honor to me. I know that sounds strange but it really is. Somehow that she was put to rest today was the reality for me that I will never take ANY day for granted. I really try to tell each person that I truly care and love each time I interact with them. I also believe that 2 years ago, my Aunt sent me an angel in my Grand daughter Kyrie....Thank you for that!

    I remember my Aunt like she was still here! I will never forget her zest for life. She found the GREAT things in everything! She was always positive, always had a smile. Had so much faith in everyone and everything that I really wish that it were true that I was just like her. I am in many ways because she was a great role model for me. I love you Aunt Janet...Always remembered and never forgotten!

    Today 5 years ago a dear friend of mine (and T's) passed away from cancer. I first met him when I had bought my first home after my divorce. He was a bit scary...but I came to truly love him in a way that I've never quite loved someone before, along with a respect that I didn't know existed in me. He accepted me for who I was, never made any judgments, loved life and his family more than anything! I became to call him and his wife "Dad and Mom". I sat proudly next to Mom during his Memorial service as T sat up at the alter (he sang at the service). T and I watched him slowly fade away from a strong man to a weak soul. Gay, you will always be in my heart, you will always be with me!

    You both are truly missed so much but also make me realize so much more than you will ever know that life is truly a gift that each of us never knows when will be snatched away from us. Take each day, live it to the fullest. Never take your loved ones for granted. Love always!

    My oldest daughter lives by the saying "Day by Day" so much so that she has a tattoo of it. Life is really day by day because we never know when/what day will be our last.
  3. Have been having issues with my back for several days. After 2 major low back surgeries, this is not an uncommon thing to deal with, however, it's not getting any better.

    I called my GP clinic last week, got an appointment with the doctor on-call. I got the usual lecture of how I should be doing this and that, all of which I've already been doing. Doc gave me a prescription for valium as I can't take any of the "normal" muscle relaxers, and also got a shot of Toradol. FUCK, that mother of a shot hurt! I usually get it in my thigh but had the option today to get it in my arm, NEVER will I do that again! I would rather get in in a bigger muscle.

    Wondering if my rampant libido has anything to do with my back hurting, as have been having much more fun than usual?

    I started this last week Wed when I actually went to the doctor, still not much better. T has been GREAT, giving me massages, running me hot baths and general helping much more around the house but I'm just getting really down because I'm afraid that this may be something more serious than a muscle spasm in my lower back. The places where it really is bothering is exactly where all the hardware is in my lumbar spine

    I have gotten another prescription for Valium and am still taking tramadol. I am just tired of taking the valium.

    I'm just feeling really GRRRR.......:mad:yell:ugh:p
  4. Random thoughts-

    Son 18, drug overdose last week that landed him in the hospital once again. This is the 6th time that he has been hospitalized. Docs decided that he was not trying to kill himself, he was just trying to "get high". We have been dealing with these issues with son on and off for almost 10 years, either drugs, alcohol or suicide or all three. He has gotten to the point that he will take just about whatever happens to be "handy" and available, in pill form. I have not known him to any other type, IE: shooting or snorting. He has been surprisingly open and somewhat honest (after he gets sober, of course) about what he was using.

    The confusion. Why is he doing this? I know he has many issues. He has been hospitalized in mental facilities several times over the years. He carries a DX of bi-polar, ADHD, ODD to name a few. We have tried to help him so many times, through counseling and other programs. He has had issues with law enforcement as well as the public schools. Why can't he see what he is doing to himself and everyone around him that loves him. I'm get so frightened when the phone rings and he is out or I don't know where he is/what he is doing.

    The hurt. Pretty self explanatory. I'm devastated that this is happening to my child and there doesn't seem to be a thing that I can do to help him.

    The guilt. This is a big one. I'm feeling guilty for a number of reasons then feel guilty for feeling guilty. We had made a verbal contract with son a few weeks ago that there would be ZERO tolerance for drugs/alcohol. We also told him that he would NOT be allowed to stay in our home if this was broken. We feel that he has broken this contract. The drugs were consumed outside of our home. This is his argument, he feels that we didn't specifically tell him that he couldn't do drugs AT ALL so he would like to come back home. When I got the call he was being taken to hospital by ambulance, he was asking for me. I was told (by people that we have known for quite sometime), he was pretty bad. I went to the hospital. Was told by the ER doctor that he was stable. Was talked to by the local police department, they told me what they were told had happened. I had already knew all of what they were telling me from the person that had called me, so was not new info. I just sat there, I'm sure with a blank stare, not knowing what to say. The doctor asked me what my son may have ingested, crist, how the hell am I suppose to know. I wasn't with him, nor did I have any knowledge of him having anything. I had been doing secret searches of his room, afraid that he may be lying to us about his using. I knew that what ever he had taken had not come from our home! The drug he took was his own prescription. It was something that he has not taken for several months and he had stashed it at his real Father's house. I had NO idea that he even had any left. Anyway, they took me to see him. His blood pressure was 250/125, pulse was racing. He was getting fluids and had gotten 1mg a medication through the IV. He really didn't have much to say to me, but gave me a blank stare. There was no "I love you Mom", not "I'm sorry" NOTHING! This was very different. I left the room so he could use the bathroom, when I came back, his GF was there with him. They were laughing and carrying on, I asked my son if he had given the doctor permission to speak to me. He told me "no", I asked him if he planned to, again I got a "no". So, I decided that if he was man enough to get himself into this, it was high time that he take care of this himself. I told him I was going to go home, as he didn't really need me there as there was nothing that I could do. We have told him up to this point that he can not come back into this house. He is 18, no job and not really any place to live. I know in my heart that we will only continue to enable him if we let him back in the house...but can I with the GUILT if I do get that call one day that he has died and I didn't try this one last time to help him? If we let him come back, will this be the last time he will do this, he says it will, we have heard this so many times before.

    Sorry, just a ramble of thoughts as I typed.
  5. I am a fairly simple yet complicated person. I try to keep a positive outlook on life. I tend to trust easily. That, in turn, seems to hurt me more often than not. I have many hobbies..I love to surf the net, make/sell jewelry and do many other various crafts. I started, moderate and remain active in my own online support group.

    I have 3 adult children and one grand child who are all the greatest gifts of my life.

    I was married at age of 18 (actually on my 18th birthday). I married a very abusive man; not physically, but sexually and mentally. My sex life with my ex could be explained as vanilla at best, with the exception of the abuse. I will never regret having been through this time in my life however, because I have my children and I truly believe it has made me a much stronger, better person.

    About 9 months after my ex and I decided to split for the 3rd time and started divorce proceedings, I met T on an adult web site. Meeting T has broadened my life in many ways. T has a very laid back personality and has taught me to be more relaxed, which I needed to do. Meeting the way we did, on the adult web site, our sexual preference, fantasies, desires and such were pretty much already out in the open.

    I have been bi-curious for many years, not ever being able to admit this openly to anyone until T. It's been a great relief to finally share this. I have been unable to obtain my goal of becoming the “Dom” in our sexual role play as of yet..I am hoping that by joining this forum I am able to get past the “what the f**k am I doing” stage. Joining this forum has increased our discussions on several topics relating to our sexual relationship thus adding to our increased pleasures.

    Over the past 6 months or so my libido has increased so much that I would say I have gone from having a “low” to almost “rampant” one. I have just recently shared this with T and he was a little surprised.:lol I can be laying in bed – alone – watching TV, and out of the blue, I'm feeling all tingly. No matter what I do can't get this to go away without pleasuring myself. This happens several times a week. I have had times when I can't get this feeling to go away even after masturbating several times, only solving this after T and I have had an awesome passionate sexual encounter (which has been quite frequent lately).

    If anyone would like to know anything about me that I have not already said, just ask.

    R