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wish i could say it is in my desired field, but i'm not done with school yet. it is, however, a $2/hr pay increase, which is definitly needed. wish i could get out of the restaraunt business, but hopefully subway will be better for me, both employment-wise and heath-wise, than mcdonalds is anymore trying not to get my hopes up, but I really just want out of my current job, and i can't leave it till i find something else.
sex wins, hands down, every time!! masturbation for me, is usually a way to relieve boredom or to get a quick orgasm. but honestly, its an empty orgasm and does nothing at all to relieve horniness. there is so much more involved with sex, that masturbation just seems moot. I love the feel of his skin against mine, the hair of his body brushing against me and teasing me. I love gripping his arms as he's thrusting into me, and feeling his biceps as his muscles strain. I love that my whole body becomes involved, and its a landscape for his fingers and imagination. He knows just how to touch me, and where, from head to toe, he can get whichever response he desires. Last night, i got to grip his hips as he lay between my thighs and pull him deeper into me. He was so close to me, i could feel his balls tense and his body pulse as he came. Yes, sex wins, every time. Masturbation is ok as a form or foreplay, and i love watching him stroke himself, but nothing beats the press of bodies and mutual pleasure.
So, once again, the "clut" my husband slept with reared her ugly head. I hate working in my town, I work fast food, and it seems the only time she ever shows up, is when I'm working. Just when I feel like I'm ok, and I put it in the back of my mind where I don't think about it daily, that seems to be when she shows up. I have seen her quite a bit lately, and after last night, I can't take it anymore. We live in a small town, and the possibility of running into her is a daily threat. So, we agreed to move. We are going to be moving about an hour and a half away, up near my brother and sister, after I finish this last year of undergrad. I will be entering Grad school at one of the two universities up near where we will be living. Our parents are not going to be pleased, as it means taking the grandkids away, but I can't work on my marriage and my relationship with my husband, with the constant vomit-inducing, gut-clenching run-ins. Its not fair, and I'm not doing it anymore.
I bought a book of Greek Myths last week, and have had a story circulating in my mind ever since. it would be a multi-part "King of the Gods" erotic story, possibly a novella. Thinking of starting out with the birth and his young years in seclusion. then the second part would be the titanomachy and the defeat of his dad. then moving on to his various relationships and offspring? I dunno, still circulating ideas. This has really intrigued me, and i have been unable to write anything good to continue the two stories i was working on. ugh. too many ideas, too little time to flesh them out.
Started riding my bike to work this week. let me tell you, it's exhausting being overweight. i feel proud of myself though, this is the second time i rode, and i made it a lot farther before i had to stop and rest, and i only stopped twice tonight, instead of 5 times like last time. i also made it farther past the overpass before i walked it the rest of the way. getting there. hopefully, in a few days i can make it the whole way to work without stopping and walking up the hills.
So i took a few weeks off. I suffer from depression, and it has been rearing its ugly head for the last few weeks. It peaked about 6 weeks ago, and I let things get to me that I should have just ignored, such as the troll on this site. I felt myself becoming angry and despondent over threads, more, posts, on this site by certain people, and let it affect me, so I took a step back. I wish I could say that it helped, but unfortunatley, I spiraled even further. Last week was particularly bad, as I was confronted with my body issues and completely broke down over it. There are things I need to change, and I actually have made several steps towards them in the last week or so, including getting back on my depression meds. Those will take about 3 weeks to kick in and actually make a difference, but its better than nothing. I also realized in the last week, that SF is an escape of sorts for me, that I have friends here, and there are other things to think about than the endless difficulties in life, which is why I am back. I have missed the chatter of my friends here, including 12BB, Mittimer, Mordy and many others. This place is a welcome respite and I have missed it. So, I'm back.
I sometimes (often, lately) feel like we aren't on the same page. We go days with no intimate touching (not just sex, but kisses that are more than quick pecks, a casual brush of a hand, anything that signyfies "hey, I'm here and I love you"). He tells me its in my head, but I really feel that its not. We clash on stupid things lately, or rather, things I feel are important to be together on, but he believes otherwise. I feel like a second fiddle in a solo. I feel insignificant, and like my opinions, desires and thoughts don't matter. I hoped that it was the just the stress of the last few weeks of class, and finals, and papers, and that once I was done, things would be better. But they're not. I feel as though I'm sinking again, as if the darkness is coming to claim me again. I tell him I'm fine, I promise I'm not depressed, that its not coming back, but it is. It makes me angry because he sees it, and that makes me feel guilty. It makes me angry, because I thought I had it beat, and now its laughing at me again. It makes me angry, because its painful, and its indescribable. It steals parts of me every day, and getting the pieces back is hard. It makes me angry because I don't want to admit that its back again, even though I know it to be true. It makes me angry, because the last time I got this way, he cheated on me. It makes me angry, because it was about this time last year where things started changing for much worse between us. It makes me angry. Everything makes me angry lately. Or indifferent. Or furious. Or instantly upset. Or ready to cry at the drop of a hat. I pick fights. I say things that I know will rile him up just so we can hash out some non-existent problem to avoid the real problem. It makes me angry, because it seems like its always just me. Its always MY depression. Its always MY mood swings. Its always what I say. Its always something that I did. What ever I am upset about, whatever I am hurt by, angry over, saddened by- it always has its roots in me. I feel as though he just won't ever get it. He won't ever understand the things I go through. How upset things that he does/doesn't do makes me. He sees it as insignificant. does that mean he sees me as insignificant too?