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Sometimes you just cannot win. I watched Arsenal beat Barcelona during the week which cheered me up but my mrs. came back from shopping yesterday morning, eventually coming into the room and standing in front of me. After a few moments silence she said the inevitable "well"
I hate it when she does that and I have to guess what's new. I really tried.
"Nice hair do" silence
"Lovely dress" silence
"Love the shoes" more silence
"Mmmmm, love the perfume" Waves of hatred wafting towards me.
I had no chance of winning so I gave in.
"Look I'm sorry" I said "but I hate it when you put me on the spot"
"You bastard" she shrieked at me "I'm wearing a gas mask"
When I got to bed last night the mrs was standing in her undies waiting for me. Most unusual in this day and age but I wasn't complaining.
In her most dominatrix voice she asked me to undress. I was truly taken aback and genuinely felt a little embarrassed. Even at my age you can be taken out of your comfort zone when someone does something completely out of character. Not being one to look a gift horse in the eye, fucking daft saying is that. Has a horse ever come up to you with a gift? No, me neither and why would I look it in the eye if it did?
Anyhoo I got my top layer of clothes off before she lost the mood. She gave me one of those looks that only a woman can, something between hatred and contempt. I just can't do it. Bud will demonstrate if you ask nicely.
"Now" she said. "Take off my bra". I am absolutely useless with clasps and with the added pressure of the situation I fumbled hopelessly. There was no help from her and eventually I managed and the lovely red lacy number fell to the floor.
"Now the knickers". I was sooooooo embarrassed. I admit I am a control freak and not comfortable when being told what to do but the sheer excitement got a hold of me and the inevitable happened as I actually started to rise to the occasion. The knickers fell silently to the bedroom floor and I quivered as I awaitied the next command.
"If I catch you wearing my underwear again" she bellowed "You are out o.k?"
O.k. lame joke but there may be someone out there who hasn't heard it.
Well yesterday was one boring day. Ended up sorting my underpants into order based on size colour then number of holes. I wouldn't say some have skid marks but some of those farts must have reached 90 miles an hour.
Day time television is shite. There's a programme called flog it and I settled down with the wipes for some porn. What a disappointment that was. Things looked up when my old (not as old as me) buddy logged on to msn. 30 minutes later I still hadn't persuaded her to take her knickers off. There's always tomorrow. On my own most of the evening so I spent the time usefully doing fuck all. It's a good job you don't go on building up sperm if you don't shoot one out for ages. I'd have balls like a horse by now otherwise. It's also a good job that feet don't get bigger if you put on weight. 99% of the male population would be walking about like sumo wrestlers otherwise. Just how does that cheese get between your toes?
Another restless night. Dreamt about all manner of crap. When I need a pee I dream I find a toilet but it is always in a daft place like in a drawer or in shop window in Debenhams. I have to confess to pissing in a wardrobe many years ago after too many beers. Not as bad as my mate who didn't want to wake his wife up so he tried to shit in the kids potty. He missed and his wife heard the noise and came down and trod in it. My she did laugh. Another mate at Uni didn't discover his aged landlady was incontinent until he went to the bathroom in the dark barefoot and stood in one of her turds. Shit figures prominently in my life.
I wash my hair in the shower most mornings. Sometimes I leave it in the sink to soak then put it in the airing cupboard. My brother in laws dad bought a toupee and got nits in it. What a twat. No breakfast today. I hate to eat on an empty stomach. Thank God it's Friday. Fuck knows why as, I am doing the same this weekend as yesterday namely bugger all. Oooo forgot. Going to a bonfire. Hate fireworks. Waste of money. Our neighbour but one is called Guy. I wonder what he looks like with a banger up his arse. His wife is fit. Would shag her given half the chance. Mind you if this celibacy continues I'll shag him.
Suppose I'll finish here or the keyboard will get sticky again.
Woke up grumpy after tossing and turning all night. I must stop calling her grumpy. Dopey would be more apt. She complained she didn't mind the tossing as long as I didn't wet the sheets but I have had to promise to stop turning her over.
After my toilet I went downstairs feeling like shit. That's unusual for me as I usual feel like cornflakes or a slice of toast. I turned the TV on by showing it my underpants. It didn't seem impressed.
Another uneventful drive to work. The roads were really quiet. Must be the new silencer I had fitted last week. I put a cd on but it fell off so I put it in the player instead. Nothing like a touch of Gary Glitter first thing in the morning. I've enjoyed him since I was a kid.
Bloody damp and cold in the office. I really must get an inside one. Staff are complaining about the toilet facilities. If a hole in the ground is good enough for millions of Africans I think they have a bloody cheek complaining, besides the bloody cheeks after one sat on glass yesterday made my day. health and safety are visiting today so I have made some concessions. I've lit an extra candle to warm the place up a bit and told the girls they no longer have to recycle the toilet paper. We are going to recycle the cardboard boxes instead.
Woke up this morning. The morning didn't need waking up but I feel it is my duty. My wife was still fast asleep. I must stop putting rohypnol in her bedtime drink. Another stiffy. Pity it's my legs. I keep hoping it'll make its way up. A good hot shower would wake me up but the mrs. didn't fancy any water sports.
I made may way downstairs before realising I lived in a bungalow and I tripped over the floor beams. The dogs were desperate to go out and one was trying to piss in a plantpot. He must have seen me doing it. I opened the door in my dressing gown to let them out. I have no idea why I have a door there (Old joke sorry).
I ate a hearty breakfast. The aorta was particularly tasty today. The dogs took me for a walk around the block. If I ever find out who left the guillotine outside the house I'll do for 'em. An uneventful drive to work. Only gave the vickers to three people. I must be mellowing.