Separate names with a comma.
First off, since I know at least one rat and one punk will read this blog, ya, I'm not scared of either of you. Fear is for pussies, and fear is for little kids. I'm neither, nor will I ever be. You both want to come beat me down or something, make sure you do it right, meaning, don't let me get up.
Second, I'm past just no fear. I believe I am firmly dangerous, because with no fear, comes immortality. My soul will live forever, and my spirit will walk these earthly plains forever. My body may die, but I will not. I declare myself immortal.....whether it be in History, or in causing fear. Like the Boogeyman, I will strike at the hearts of those who express fear. People will talk about the spirit of me, the spirit that brings cold and fear. I will take Death's place as the most feared spirit on earth. I will haunt dreams, make normal people go suicidal, turn good into evil, and bad into worse. I will become evil incarnate. My soul will be in a different plain, but my spirit has made me immortal.
I am the anti-Christ. Not the one of biblical proportion, though I wish I was that one, but the one human who can stand up and say that the Jewish jesus can lick my balls. I agree he lived, but he was no god...he was a human, and people fear a man who has no power over them. I tried to call him on years ago....amazing, in a lightening storm, in the middle of a field, with iron bars in your hand pointing to the heavens, that the might of "god" and "jesus" can't strike me down. They should have then......been better for them. The only reason I see that I am here anymore is to torture as many people as I can before I die.
I smell death soon....he's coming, and we will embrace in a battle for spirits. If I lose, I go into the afterlife with nothing, but memories. This won't happen....I will win, and when I win, I will make Death look small and sickly. There will be no saviour for those who are facing death. I will take the soul faster then imaginable. I will be the god of this earth, the one and supreme who is feared by the masses.
As for me in my human body, fear me. I will from this day forth, try to make life as miserable and unmanageable for as many people as I can. I am out to kill friendships, desires, and possibilities. No more will I care what is said, as what will be said will be my little vile and sick rumors. I will only get along with those who can give me something, as money has and will forever more be my mistress, my wife, and my bitch. So, those who have money that I need, I will serve in whichever way I need too. Those who don't, I no longer have need for. Please, don't waste my time.....not anymore.
Danger lurks around every corner for me now. I am playing a game of cat and cat with the legal system, one that I will win......of this I know. Winning to me is freedom, any way it may be. Danger beckons me, drives me. I have no use anymore for people who can't provide me with some excitement.
I have no positives to wake up to anymore....that died as of today. Now, I only have to wake up to see who I can make miserable that day. That will be what I wake for...to strike fear in the hearts of people, to have them shudder and think evil of me when they see me. I will be the one who takes candy from a kid, intentionally drive past someone walking in the rain, saying mean things. I have no remorse, no regrets. I have become evil, and have given my soul, for the final time, to my dreams of causing fear. There is no turning back...don't try.
Some people have said they want me to see a psychologist.....maybe I should, to make him my first soul victim. When he has contact with me, his soul will wither and die, and I will walk out content, stronger then before. As time goes, I will be alone, rich, and famous, if only for causing fear in the masses. Alone will be the only way to be....no phone calls, no texts, no drama anymore. Not having to waste my breathe to tell someone how I am, or how my day was. I'm sure I was born to be a loner. I embrace it, and will always walk away from any situation a better person then the next person.
Evil abounds. I have embraced it, as what society calls evil, I will call good, since society is the one who said what I did was wrong, and have not lifted up since then. If society says it's wrong, then it must be right. That's what I have learned. Of course, little kid rapers and people like that should be killed outright, but others should never be seen in front of the judge...the same judge who did it himself many years before.
I know the people who consider themselves will read this blog and think I've lost my mind, need some serious help, or something else. Well, while you may be right, I won't get help. It's to late for me. Today's events just pushed me over the edge for good, and I have no desire, nor the strength to continue on. If I smell a cop, psycho person, or my mom coming to talk to me, it will be to late, as I will be dead, and starting my reign of eternal terror. Don't push it.....if you all let go, and say go, it will be better. Better to stop fighting for dead weight like me, then to get pulled down with me. Get away....it will be fine. The only promise I could make, is I won't terrorize you from beyond the grave.
This is all. No, it is not over for me yet, in body state. In every other way it is. I am no longer a living human being. I am an evil spirit, in a body of a man who was once decent, who was puished and pulled and shoved so much he finally killed himself in a spiritual sense. I am only a body......if you don't believe me, look into my eyes and look. There is no depth. It is black, and empty of all emotion. Nothing, from this day forward, will harm me, or give me pain. To all of you who have started shit, misread my intentions, or otherwise fucked me, I will get even in ways you can and will not ever imagine, mainly by taking your spiritual lives and ripping it out like the Mayans used to rip out the hearts of their sacrificial victims.
Haunted- I'm haunted by thoughts, dreams, and past. Present and future are to far away to tell, but at this rate, I'll be insane or dead in 4 years. I'm facing the fact that there is no such thing as world peace, social peace, or any fucking peace whatsoever. I, the fix-it-all guy, have put emotion in places I shouldn't have, and got burned by it. In the past 8 months, I bottled up myu emotions, played a game I shouldn't have, and really, am in the same place I was 10 months ago...which wasn't bad, and I'm glad I didn't have any emotional attachments in the past 8 months, else it would have been worse.
See, people don't understand me, and I know, some of the people who read this will say we understand you. No you don't. Exclamation on you don't. Point is, I'm fine being a loner. I like it, really I do. I'm resigned to the fact I may be one the rest of my life, and you know what, I don't care anymore.
There is a lie in this world today, that says you must be happy only if you are with someone special. Hardly. I'm happy being single. I think if people really took the time to just be by themselves, they'd be in shock how much better their lives were. No, we feel pushed to be with someone, that sex is between two, or more people, and that masturbation is evil. Fuck that. A bunch of hypocritical bull shit. A religious bull shit thing to get people to reproduce for monetary purposes. If the world went single, within 100 years, the human race would be halved.....because people are much better suited by themselves. That's it, the truth.
Anyways, no way will I be able to go through life without getting married again, or having kids, or a long relationship...no way possible. However, I'm not in pursuit of it. I want to be, but the one who I truly care for......next paragraph.
So, I vaguely remember sitting at a park talking to this gal last summer, and we had a great chat. Technically, I laid it out how much I cared for her, and she felt the same way. She was "sorta" seeing this guy, but said I still had a chance. Ya fucking right. More like wait around until I see if this guy is gonna work out. (Ok, maybe that isn't true, but that's how I feel).
Within 3 weeks, she was living with him, he started some shit, and she sided with him. The clincher was when he said," Stay away from MY girl and MY daughter." Ok......talk about a heartbreaker. Oh well, move on, get over it. No talking to her for 4 months.
Then, she sends me a text over the holidays. Start talking a bit, and me, being less scared of losing her forever if I said the truth (cuz at one point and time, I could never say what I thought because I was cared she'd just say fuck off asshole and never talk to me again. Ya, pathetic, but I was in love with her.), I told her how I felt. She was receptive and even said she loved me over new years. Cool.
She said she was having issues with her sorta bf, that they weren't really together and shit, and so I started opening up a bit. I'm not the type to do things or move in on a gal behind her bf's back, but this guy is a class a loser, in my opinion. Hey, if he treats her good, I'm glad, but I don't have to like the guy, and I never will (I don't take kindly to people threatening me to get me in legal trouble...I hate fucking cops, and I hate snitches/rats).
So anyways, on my birthday, of all mother fucking days, she tells me her "weird news". She's pregnant with the guys kid.....WOW. Not only had she told me for the past few years she couldn't get pregnant, but she didn't want to if she could until she was married.
Of course, I was also the guy who bought in that when my wife said we'd never get a divorce, that that was set in stone. Oops......
So anyways, I didn't know what to say, exactly, so she asked me what I thought, and I said," I love you. Wish it was mine." She said,"Seriously?" and I said ya.....nothing until today when she asked why I wasn't talking. Geez, you just grabbed my fucking heart, ripped it out of my fucking chest, took a little fucking hammer, beat it to death, threw it in a blender, chopped it up and served it back to me.
So, the way I feel right now, I'd love to have a case of beer, but I'm somehow stronger then that. So, the next step is coming up.....what do I do.
A man, rugged from heat and desert wear, from back in a time of Ancients
Stopped on the side of the road and told me a story of his walk with Patience
“Son,” he said,”Someday we will get to the end of life and look back,
and we will try to piece together everything we can, filling in every crack,
Patience will be your companion through every trying time you have
and she will be there to hold up your head when you feel like a halve.”
“The story that you seek is that of happiness, but what do you truly seek?
Happiness is not found in a deserted heart, but one that leaps up and speaks
Of love and joy, that flutters in anticipation of someone new to hold
A heart that is warm as a mid summer night, looking out, being bold
Going for what it desires, taking one small step, walking straight as a dart
Making mistakes, Getting set back by those who don’t have your heart.”
“Son, it makes a man stronger, with each passing minute, every thing bad in life,
no matter what bad entails, a Great Heart will always feel it can overcome strife,
so look inside yourself, and you’ll see a great heart, one fashioned by pain,
one that steps up to the pain, and says today, I overcome, and this I will gain;
The world the way you should have it, perfect in everyway that you deserve
and people will take notice, and the pain will go away, Happiness is in reserve.”
He brushed off his dusty cowboy hat, put it on and smiled at me,
chew dripping out the corner of his mouth, beard gray and eyes blue as the sea,
a few teeth left, but most gone, and an old nag to ride, stood standing beside him
“Son, so you know the end of pain is the great beginning of life, at the end ask for Jim.”
With a flash of speed unknown to man, he hopped on the nag and galloped away,
Out of my sight within moments, leaving my to ponder the story, watching cacti sway.
What I know about myself, is my heart is a beautiful place, broken and mended,
repaired and destroyed many times.
My heart becomes a place for me to get away, to retreat in and gain back power, no matter any perpetrators of crime.
The things that make me feel down, just make me stronger in the long run, and it makes me just that much better.
I am empowered by the story the old man Jim told me, and from here on I will do what I can to follow it to the letter.
That the last 10 years are over, the nightmare that was my life is now at an end, and that I can now start being the real me. I don't have to lie or hide behind a story to appease the greater powers that be anymore, and I can actually start telling my story the way it was meant to be told.
I have weathered an immense storm that consisted of wrongful accusations, backstabbing "friends", cheating girlfriends and wife, anger and rage a daily companion to what was my normal life.
Today was the last day of that, and I sit here finding myself smiling for real for the first time in a decade, happy beyond anything anyone can comprehend. I'm listening to one of my old favorite songs from the beginning of my nightmare decade, and I'm giddy. It used to depress me, and I dwelt in it.
Now I can be me, without fear that someone can say something and try to ruin my life. Amazing!! I know very few people know what I'm talking about, or why I'd be so happy, but until you've walked in my shoes, very few will ever know, because words don't begin to describe.
So, beers and cheers to those who've fallen in the last 10 years, to those who have lived a life in total fear that someone can say one word and ruin it, to those who may have been set up and rail roaded by money hungry people that they looked up to, to the very few who have walked in my shoes and smell the sweet end of an era that tried to define us, but we came out better in the end.
I will no longer live in fear or discontentment. I will be me, the ever so smiling country dude who loves rock, metal, and techno. I will not be scared to tell a truth, as I have no more fears of repercussion. I have let go of my anger at those who caused this pain, and I'm better for it. At the end of the day, I came out a better man, but not a broken one, because I WILL NEVER be broken.
Man, I love blogs. They are so much fun. A place where you can find that the person you slept with are a closet Hitler freak (that can be another blog) or that you just ran into a neo-fanatical-Christian Jew......which is just weird, too.
I usually always make my blogs funny and satirical, but sometimes I go on rants. Here, it'll be satire and comedy. Else where.....it's on like Donkey Kong.
So, I have a game I like to play with myself (no pervs, not that game, but it is fun ) called 20 questions, about people you have no idea about. So I may go about my day and see someone I have never met and play the 20 questions....where were they born....what city.....relationship status....how many kids....etc.
Well, a buddy and me have taken that to a quite entertaining and friendly wager. We'll sit down and eat, and the waiter or waitress who waits us, we play 20 questions, picking 3-5 to ask her at the end, and whoever loses picks up the tab.
Makes for some comical and entertaining conversations with people you don't know, but in doing so, you get to know them a little bit, and it helps us all grow as Humanity a little bit more. And makes for great laughs.
Oh ya....I'll post a 20 question game on the Beanery. Ya, I'm so intelligent.