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My asshole of a father let out my 12 year old bird. That bird has been with me half my life. He just LET IT OUT because i wanted to buy him a new bigger cage and he is a stingy bastard.
I've locked myself in my room and cried all day. i hate these people i live with. i want out man. What is with the world? Why are people so mean!?!!
I've been quite concerned with a lack of afterlife lately.
I've also been dancing on the edge of being misanthropic and wanting to be an alturist....
I'm quite the contradiction!!! hat
I've taken into account i'm probably quite depressed- i know im definitely anxious...so i've lost 5 kilograms trying to be healthier. I just need to start excersising and another 5kgs will no doubt disappear.
relationship and sex wise- none of your business really
But i'll say this. Humans can be amazing. Look up buzzfeed on youtube. So awesome. I love tid bits like that! Zephrank...Ana Akana! Also, Game of thrones- OMG awesome. I find in the later seasons the sex scenes have diminished somewhat but that's ok! It's a work of utter brilliance!!!
Who wishes a utopia existed today- like a less corrupt Quarth!?
I think that i wish everyone had their own bit of land, and produced their own food naturally, like the natives. I feel so sorry for ourselves, our chemicals will surely BEE the end of us. Pun very much intended. Way -ta- go at killing all the bees we're going to die.
Whatever. lol. Life is so so soooo pointless. Really we are so insignificant, I wish i become a vegetable or get a disease where the person looses consiousness. THAT is the best way to go. Not a worry in the world!---- and then your world ends. Much greater than knowing what is being ripped away from you!
Sorry to ppl with whome this post is making you feel i'm totally derranged. Truth is i'm quite a moody weirdo by nature. Just picture Tyrion Lanister- i took a personality test and apparently i'm meant to be a clone of him! HA! Maybe one day...
Also voldemort. Why am i the bad guy? HAHA!
I thought I was pregnant for a whole month before taking a test, but turns out I wasn't. MY first post here was WEATHER OR NOT I SHOULD have sex ...and back then I sided with I should try it... So I have, and now I feel since abstinence is the best contraception, that that's what I will practise. Indefinitely.
I decided that 6 months ago. And still, I've kept my word.
So that would explain why I've been MIA here, staying away from this place kills libido. Just ignoring it and steering clear of things of this nature, helps avoid it. And I'm happy with my decision. My boyfriend is being very understanding about it (his libido is lower than mine anyway). I will revisit this in future, though I imagine by the time I have my own house, I will be more inclined to have surgery so that I wont need to worry about getting pregnant (or he will) and we can continue with our old active selves. Though to be honest, that's probably the MINIMUM of a year away, or possibly many many years, and I doubt he would stick around that long, but it's not worth the risk. Not even a little bit.
I'd rather die alone. Infact it would be preferable.
I tend to have really enlightening sexy dreams.
At one point with DBF, i realised i would probably marry him and never be with more than one man. Call me a man, but i wasn't happy with that.
So i dreamt i was making out with a guy and when i pulled down his pants his penis had jagged spikes and blades and barbed wire chomping at me. I was like "WTF!!!" and stood back. Clearly it was saying "No other dick for you".
I dream of doing random things...like trees....and myself...
I dream of other weird things. The latest was Hitler making a house inspection and i spent the entire dream cleaning my house....that was boring...
I have the most fantastic weird awesome dreams...and i love them. I used to write each one down so i could make a zine out of them.
One day i will...
Lets try to recall sexy dreams....
Once i dreamt a blonde ruled the town and she came to my house and fingered me.
Latest dream was of a teacher, who doesn't exhist, flirting with me in school, we got so far as him entering me and i swear i was making sounds so i woke myself up with them, very embarassing as i was sleeping at my parents with the door open with people awake and nice and quiet in the morning, so i think they may have heard my sexy cries. But i swear to you, i felt it, it felt better than any sex i've every had, and he just entered me...
I love sexy dreams, i literally, feel it. And i believe it feels better than real life. Definitely...
*sigh* Dreams, and brains, are awesome things my friends....awesome things.
Infact, i want to live alone forever....
But perhaps the correct word, is, neglected.
I'm not really...but i just feel it. And i feel like my life is ruined. What a downer. It's not bad really...but i just feel that way.
Nuva is known to do this, this is my last ring, wont be getting more after it's out.
Due to...personal reasons my bf and i are taking a break from sex.
We're both messed up and mostly I do not want to risk pregnancy. So until we can both, harden the fuck up....we're just not going to do it. At first it was tricky, but now it is super easy- even preferred. I was going to do him on his birthday, but i didn't even.
I just cannot muster the WANT anymore...
Sex *IS* a chore. I cannot remember what it feels like but the only memories i have are mediocre. The last few times (though i was upset with him at the time) i recall staring over his shoulder, or at the ceiling, thinking "oh just get it over with already" or "When is this going to start to feel good for me?"
A 3 month dry spell. S
Saving my virginity for him, to have 9 months of crappy guilt filled sex...though most times enjoyable I recall, is such a stab in the heart.
But really? Who cares...sex is nothing. This coming from a rampant woman.
I do not want to start it again, i am fully addicted to the stuff. I just quit cold turkey and my short term memory loss is doing me a favour.
Sex to me = a good shower, shaving 90% of my body, plucking here, plucking there, wearing sexy lingerie, trying and failing and trying and failing to light my mans fire.
Being shut down.
Wearing expensive perfume, nicking areas i wish I hadn't, putting on make up, doing the deed and things i'm not 100% comfortable with, risking pregnancy, risking eternal damnation, risking infection, risking love, being left in the wet patch on the bed...
worrying about pregnancy
worrying about my performance
being sweaty after a shower, being sore from extremely long sessions, being tired, missing out on study time, missing out on sleep...
Having sore muscles everywhere the next day from clenching near orgasm, sore neck from positions, sore to walk if it was particularly vigorous.
Making up lies as to why my neck hurts and my homework wasn't done and why i was up till 1am...laundry. yeah they'll believe that.
Lying...to my mother....everyone except a few.
Being so frisky i do myself 15 times to porn before he even gets home just to make sure i don't have to humiliate myself and try to seduce him and fail....then seducing him and winning...the prize is painful.
Sex is stupid.
Life is stupid.
WHY DO IT!?
Sex....What is that again?
I know....people find the fact that venting online when they are mad, ridiculing their SO will make them feel better. Like posting on FB "Some people are selfish" and then having many people just KNOW who you are referring to.
I'm doing this constructively. I learnt a lesson, not today, but close enough, i REALISED a form of action i take to deal with men.
You see, they like short and sweet (like me ), to the point. So this explains that.
I write emails like a snow flake. I write some sentences, read over and find something else to expand on, branching them out further, and etc. Until i have an essay.
I think men do not like to read so much criticism and feelings.
So instead of writing an essay saying how pissed off i am. I force myself to turn everything back into 1 sentence per paragraph again. Which takes time, and cooling down.
It's good because it says what i have to to communicate and form a stronger relationship, as well as not pissing him off in the meanwhile and making him feel under-appreciated and worthless.
Then i send.
(but i always keep a copy of the "journal angry" one, because it's good to vent.)