why are relationships so difficult?
I sometimes (often, lately) feel like we aren't on the same page. We go days with no intimate touching (not just sex, but kisses that are more than quick pecks, a casual brush of a hand, anything that signyfies "hey, I'm here and I love you"). He tells me its in my head, but I really feel that its not. We clash on stupid things lately, or rather, things I feel are important to be together on, but he believes otherwise. I feel like a second fiddle in a solo. I feel insignificant, and like my opinions, desires and thoughts don't matter. I hoped that it was the just the stress of the last few weeks of class, and finals, and papers, and that once I was done, things would be better. But they're not. I feel as though I'm sinking again, as if the darkness is coming to claim me again. I tell him I'm fine, I promise I'm not depressed, that its not coming back, but it is. It makes me angry because he sees it, and that makes me feel guilty. It makes me angry, because I thought I had it beat, and now its laughing at me again. It makes me angry, because its painful, and its indescribable. It steals parts of me every day, and getting the pieces back is hard. It makes me angry because I don't want to admit that its back again, even though I know it to be true. It makes me angry, because the last time I got this way, he cheated on me. It makes me angry, because it was about this time last year where things started changing for much worse between us. It makes me angry. Everything makes me angry lately. Or indifferent. Or furious. Or instantly upset. Or ready to cry at the drop of a hat. I pick fights. I say things that I know will rile him up just so we can hash out some non-existent problem to avoid the real problem. It makes me angry, because it seems like its always just me. Its always MY depression. Its always MY mood swings. Its always what I say. Its always something that I did. What ever I am upset about, whatever I am hurt by, angry over, saddened by- it always has its roots in me. I feel as though he just won't ever get it. He won't ever understand the things I go through. How upset things that he does/doesn't do makes me. He sees it as insignificant. does that mean he sees me as insignificant too?
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