As I mentioned in my previous blog entry, I have been pretty much stuck with the same guy since I was 17 years old, and I recently turned 20. We don't see a lot of each other due to my going here and there and to his work. Regardless, we always keep in touch, and even though we are not together (we feel it wouldnt be fair.) And speak to other people, we just 'prefer' each others company a million times more than anyone else. It just feels way better, and the sex is amazing. However, I am not a very "smushy" person that is not very open about her feelings. I've very strong emotions, but i'd rather not express them. I'm very private as well, and anyone that doesnt know me well can say I come off as cold, distant and uninterested. Sadly, he is the same, x10. We have a horrible time getting our feelings across. Lately, I try (when he actually has the oportunity to speak) to be more open, warmer, etc... But he's always horribly distant. It's frustrating, this BS has been going on for years, and I'd like to hear from his mouth, straight up, what he wants from me. I'm truly making an effort to have him open up and it seems to be in vain.
I really have tried to meet new men since him, and I have. Never have I fallen in love with anyone but him. I meet people regularly, and the only thing i'll feel, if anything (besides friendship) is sexual attraction, and even that is rare, because I dont often meet attractive people. I've had very good men offer me things and be wonderful to me, and yet, I feel nothing and eventually they become repulsive.
My best friend, a man i've known since we were children of about 12 years old, has recently taken a strong liking to me. It pains me, because he is everything I like in men: hard working, affectionate,caring, honest, intelligent, etc... We like the same things, he knows me well, and is very handsome. To top it off, he, like AJ (my 4 year on/off lover) is in the military. I see him once or twice a year. I do love my best friend, but not like that. I care for him deeply, but as a person, not as a parter... Which is odd, considering he's all I like in a man.
It is odd... And frightening to never feel no emotional attachment. My family is convinced I will be alone forever and never marry or have children and all that, all because i've never brought home a guy and said "this is my boyfriend". It makes me wonder: is there something wrong with me? Am I too picky? Even for sexual partners i'm horribly selective, which is why I go "dry" for such long periods of time.
I don't want to be alone forever, but I also rather be alone than in bad company...
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