Sometimes you just cannot win. I watched Arsenal beat Barcelona during the week which cheered me up but my mrs. came back from shopping yesterday morning, eventually coming into the room and standing in front of me. After a few moments silence she said the inevitable "well"
I hate it when she does that and I have to guess what's new. I really tried.
"Nice hair do" silence
"Lovely dress" silence
"Love the shoes" more silence
"Mmmmm, love the perfume" Waves of hatred wafting towards me.
I had no chance of winning so I gave in.
"Look I'm sorry" I said "but I hate it when you put me on the spot"
"You bastard" she shrieked at me "I'm wearing a gas mask"
When I got to bed last night the mrs was standing in her undies waiting for me. Most unusual in this day and age but I wasn't complaining.
In her most dominatrix voice she asked me to undress. I was truly taken aback and genuinely felt a little embarrassed. Even at my age you can be taken out of your comfort zone when someone does something completely out of character. Not being one to look a gift horse in the eye, fucking daft saying is that. Has a horse ever come up to you with a gift? No, me neither and why would I look it in the eye if it did?
Anyhoo I got my top layer of clothes off before she lost the mood. She gave me one of those looks that only a woman can, something between hatred and contempt. I just can't do it. Bud will demonstrate if you ask nicely.
"Now" she said. "Take off my bra". I am absolutely useless with clasps and with the added pressure of the situation I fumbled hopelessly. There was no help from her and eventually I managed and the lovely red lacy number fell to the floor.
"Now the knickers". I was sooooooo embarrassed. I admit I am a control freak and not comfortable when being told what to do but the sheer excitement got a hold of me and the inevitable happened as I actually started to rise to the occasion. The knickers fell silently to the bedroom floor and I quivered as I awaitied the next command.
"If I catch you wearing my underwear again" she bellowed "You are out o.k?"
O.k. lame joke but there may be someone out there who hasn't heard it.
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