The Infamous Zombie Muppet Script (unfinished)
[exterior on the roof]
[shoots his sniper rifle through the leg of the target]
[camera shot: view through the sniper scope]
Rosie O’Donnell: [weakly] Clang clang went the trollly....
[dr. teeth shoots her again in the head]
Kermit [who had just watched through bionoculars]: that was Rosie O’Donnell and she wasn’t a zombie
Dr. Teeth: i know, i’ve just always wanted to kill that cunt
the ammo load up scene:
Fozzie: whoppie cushions?
Kermit: What the fuck are you talking about?
Fozzie: Naw Just fuckin with ya...Machete?
Zombie onslaugh scene:
[yeah...muppet limbs and gore!] and
[miss piggy flies at kermit]
Kermit: Take that you old swine! [impales miss piggy]
Scooter: She wasn’t a zombie
Kermit: I know, just wanted to get rid of the bitch
Kermit: Oh hiddie ho there! theres Neil The Necophiliac!
Neil: Hello! sorry you caught me with the missus!
Kermit: I’ll let you finish up [turns around]
Neil: Oh nothing much....OH FUCK! [is bitten by the missus!]
Neil: mommy you’re alive!
["mommy" bites his head off]
[Gonzo arrives in his zombie mobile]
Gonzo: get in!
Kermit: waht the fuck is going on!
Gonzo: Ever since i saw that movie on late night tv..i knew this day was coming...ever since i saw Night Of The Living Bread
so you know i am, it’s the opening)
[exterior shot of Gonzo racing across town with CHICKS RULE! as a roof sticker]
[dawn of the dead theme by goblin playing]
Gonzo: I had seen this before....on TV.....so i had to race out and save all my freinds!
Kermit: awww that’s sweet! so i was first?
Gonzo: no i just happened past the cemetery
[Gonzo turns down the Dawn of the Dead theme from his stereo]
Gonzo: Never mind but we need to pick up everyone who isn’t already a zombie! Even Miss Piggy!
Kermit: Why the fuck didn’t you just let her die!
Gonzo: I’d just kill her later and bite into her than have her bite into me
Gonzo: First Stop! Fozzies House!
Bernice: [clucks in ackknowledgement of readyment and cocks her mini-shotgun]
Gonzo: Bernice no you stay here
Bernice: [clucks in disappointment]
[Gonzo pulls over but keeps the engine running and Bernice opens the sliding van door]
Gonzo: Kermit! you’ll need this! run and get fozzie! Be quick! I’ll stay here! GO!
[kermit jolts out of the van as fast as his lil frog legs can go!]
Kermit: Fozzie! Fozzie!
Fozzie: HELP! these zombies lack a sense of humor my jokes aren’t working!
Kermit: they dont’ work on anyone! [blows the zombies head off splattering brain over them and the wall from the blast]
Fozzie: Kermit! if i had known you were coming out i would have baked you a cake!
Kermit: No Time Fozzie! [grabs his hand and starts to run] Move your unfunny ass!
Fozzie: AGH! my arm!
[Kermit shoves fozzie into the van after Bernice opens it]
Fozzie: what the fuck are those things they’re impervious to my jokes!
Kermit: Gonzo seems to think that a shot to thehead kills them, and my experiment seemed to prove him right, so from now on, head-shots baby! STEP ON IT BLUE BITCH!
[the van sceeches into the speed, just barley avoiding the cars both parked with doors opened and blood near by and hte ones doing the just hte say, needless to say this suprrises and impresses his crew]
Fozzie [looking at the arsenal] : Holy rubber chickens! waht did you do rob a gun store?
Gonzo: in a way, the prices were a fucking steal!
Fozzie: tha’ts my line ya bastard!
Gonzo: Next up is Miss Piggy!
[gonzo swings into the drive way]
[offers Fozzie and kermit a black hood]
Gonzo: this is so i don’t look at the hog as you bring her in, bernice will show you in
[Kermit and Fozzie exist and burst into the door guns drawn hoping to mistake miss piggy for a zombie]
[MIss piggy comes into frame and is wearing too much make up to be mistaken for one]
Miss Piggy: what took you fuckers so long! i may wanna look good when i die but i dont’ wanna die yet!
Fozzie: they’d proabbly choke on you but i don’t wanna see you come back as a zombie
[Kermit and fozzie cover her face with the hood which seems to be an Abu Ghraib replica]
MIss PIggy: don’t censor moi! i’m beautiful!
they quite roughly shove her intot he van after bernice opens the door for htem but fozzie only closes it partually wiht a barrell of a rifle sticking out]
Kermit: WE NEED TO PICK UP ROBIN!
Gonzo: he’s on my last stop don’t worry! [tosses kermit his cell phone]
[kermit knowing exactly what to do calls Robin]
Robin: Uncle Kermit! i’m so scared!
Kermit: I"m coming to get ya! hang tight! Me and the gang are coming to pick you up! Stay safe with the sitter before we can get there and barricade the doors! i cna’t stress it enough my tadling!
Robin: we’re already doing it uncle kermit!
Kermit: good boy! we’ll be there soon we’re working as fast as we can to save everyone
Robin: i love you uncle kermit!
Kermit: *sniff* i’ll be there soon hang tight!
[Fozzie discharges his weapon]
Fozzie: got ya!
Kermit: Having fun over there?
Fozzie: hells yea! Remember that time i wanted to do my William Tell act and you said no?
Kermit: i was afriad you’d miss your mark even more with bullets than jokes]
Fozzie: OVER HERE MISTER ZOMBIE! [blasts it’s head off]
[kermit sits back and lights up a smoke while Fozzie plays gun, Gonzo drives, and miss piggy sleeps after they kncoked her pork ass out*
Gonzo: Next stop Janice! [pulls over]
[Kermit and Fozzie step out and rush and burst open the door]
Dr. Teeth’s Voice: dont’ you fuckers know how to knock!
[they go into the bed room and find Janice riding Dr. Teeth]
Janice: yeah knock we might be rockin!
[janice gets off Dr. Teeth...revealing a huge glistening 10 incher]
Dr. Teeth: waht’d you expect to be in there? my spare change?
[both of them are now getting dressed and and are both shirtless running out putting on their shirts as they run entering back into the van ]
[K and F jump back in!]
[Fozzie cocks his weapon as Gonzo pulls out of teh drive way]
[Fozzie fires three rounds in sucession hitting 2 of the three targets]
Dr. Teeth: Not bad!
Kermit: Gonzo, Scooter is with robin, next up is Rolf, he’s usualy playing at his bar at this point
Gonzo: Considering the morning we’ve had i’m not so sure he’ll still be there
Kermit: Fuck ’im if he’s not there, we can’t spend our time running around looking for people, just pick them up where we think they are
Dr. Teeth: Jesus, you’re got enough to take down the Peoples Republic Of China over here!
Gonzo: Yes it was all on sale!
[Fozzie continues and fires]
Gonzo: We’re here get out!
Fozzie: I’ll do it!
Dr. Teeth: I’m coming with you!
[the armed pair exit the van and rush towards the opening]
[the electricity is out so it’s dark and rolf is barely visable]
Dr. Teeth: where are you dog!
Rolf: Over here!
[Fozzie Blindly Fires Into The Dark]
[the bullet whizzes past Rolf]
Rolf: watch where your’e pointing that thing!
[Rolf hidding behind the bar pours the liquor over the counter and armed with a match and a fire estinguisher]
Rolf: Behind the flames! Yell for me!
[the pair rush over and stop]
Dr. Teeth: we’re here lil doggie!
[Rolf estinguishes the flames armed and hops over the counter armed with a couple Molatov cocktails as torches]
Rolf: THIS WAY!
[the now trio rushes out til two zombies find their way in front of them]
Rolf: Waste those Yuppies!
[the armed pair do as instructed before he even said anything]
[they both rush out the door heading to the van but Rolf turns]
[Rolf chucks teh malotov cocktails inside unexpectedly in just the right place for the building to burn]
[Rolf heads to the van, thankful the boys wiated for him and watches the place go up into flames and a tear come down his eye.....]
Dr. Teeth: you didn’t have to burn it down
Rolf: I did...not sure if i’ll understand why but i had to, i will never regret it
Gonzo: Hang on fuzzy monkeys!
[Exterior Shot: Gonzo goes off a hill in teh air a lil and lands with a few sparks around the van!)
Dr. Teeth: Damn!
Gonzo: Fuck you! i’m trying to save your fucking lives and you bitch!
Dr. Teeth: dont’ get me wrong i’m grateful, but i’d rather you not put our lives in greater risk than they already are, blueberry muffin.
[Kermit continues to smoke his cigareete tapping the ash onto Gonzos floor looking intently at the fucked up world passing by literrally in the windows of Gonzo’s band]
Janice: Hey dude! wheres you’re stash!
Kermit: I don’t have a stash [never turning from his glance form the window]
Janice: i should have known, you’re not giggling, i alwasy figured you were a pothead kermit guess i was wrong
Kermit: I’m sick of peoples jokes...i’m not a part of a Green Party, fuck Ralph Nader, i’m a libertarian, i don’t smoke pot, it makes me freak out but i don’t care if hippie bitches like you smoke it [still staring out at the window]
Janice: For a green due you sound pretty blue
Kermit: i’m not a mood frog dammit
Gonzo: we’re almost there, everyone reload all he weaponry, everything you can get our hands on...we need to have it all ready, casue we don’t know whats here.
[Kermit reloads the handguns ]
[miss piggy sleeps]
[fozzie loads all the shotguns]
[Dr. Teeth loads the rifles]
[Janice Sets Up The Flame Throwers]
[Rolf sets up the assualt weapons]
[gonzo pulls over the van and opens the door to find Scooter standing there with a torch]
Kermit: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WHERES ROBIN!
Scooter: I’m glad yo ufound you guys can we hitch a ride with y’all?
Kermit: answer my mother fucking question first, you son of a bitch!
Scooter: he’s with my Uncle as his guard we had to go to his Cafe!
Kermit: we better get a move on it he’s not safe there!
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