Rant

Published by Victus in the blog Victus's blog. Views: 43

Feeling kind of down about myself today. For each day I feel wonderful about how great I am, I seem to have a week of just feeling completely miserable.

I know part of it is that I'm tired of being alone, and knowing that I have someone who's willing to wait. I'll wait a long time for the lady I'm after, but the wait really does hurt.

I wish that she'd be ready for a relationship sooner rather than later. Though I can understand where she's coming from, and I'm not trying to rush with her. I care about her on every level, and want her to be happy.

In the mean-time, I've been trying to find someone to share my bed with me, even if for just a night. So far, 99% of those attempts have fallen through.

I've still got a potential person lined up, but I he's not on too often because of work, which means I don't get to talk to him much. Again, I understand, but after all the people who have lead me on or rejected me, it still stabs that little part of me that's hurting so badly.

I want to be confident. I want people to think they need to have sex with me, and not the other way around. I just don't know how to actually accomplish this.

I want sex so bad. I'm going insane with the lack of physical, intimate contact. I need someone to hold me, to comfort me, to be dirty with me.

So yes, I guess I'm being needy right now. It's honestly so difficult to not be when my sex-drive is nearly as insanely high as it is. Are there just no more sex-deprived, desperate folk left anymore? Or do I need to take a trip around the world to find them? Not that I can afford that, nor do I have a vehicle.

Medical discharge means not much hope at a job, small town, not much hope for a job, no car, again a hit to getting a job. No car and no unspoken for funds (all my money goes to tuition, from my GI Bill) means that it's difficult for me to even relocate to where the jobs are at. If I'm lucky, I can move after my Pell Grant hits in October, and I can save a few paychecks. Even then, what if I can't find a job where I move? How will I continue to pay rent after what I pay up is gone? How will I move should I need to leave and hole up with someone until I can find a job? A job means money, which means some kind of independence.

All I've got going for me is that I'm working towards my degree on my GI Bill. I just feel so trapped in my circumstances that it terrifies me. I feel like I'm just having a full blown panic attack and don't know what to do anymore T.T
  • lbushwalker
  • Victus
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