Just these last couple days I posted a few pix of myself in some of my most prized lingerie and high heels. I didn't post them looking for compliments because I'm realistic, I know I don't look all that great, and that I'm obviously not the girl I have dreamed of being since I was only like 7 years old. Don't get me wrong, I love compliments and the occasional kind words about those photos makes my whole day. So hey, if you happen to check out my album and think they're not all that bad, I would love to hear about it. But the real reason I posted them is that for many years now like I said before, I have wished that I had been born a girl, more than anything I have ever wanted. They are just the outward manifestation in colors and fabrics of the the feelings that have colored my heart for so many years. My way to let the woman I want to be breathe.
They are also all that is left of a long past relationship. They are not new pictures although I still have the lingerie and heels and still fit everything. They are from a homemade solo porn video I made hoping to excite a guy. A guy who was in my mind, my boyfriend. A guy to whom I played the role of devoted girlfriend.
When he started to see a girl when we were in our early twenties I was crushed. I had been a faithful and extremely devoted "girlfriend". I got to know his new girl and loved her like a sister. She knew about me as Lisa and understood; she treated me like the girl I wanted to be. Though many people knew, they were at best apathetic at worst totally abusive and cruel. She could often be heard standing up for me when she saw me harassed. It turned out that she knew more about my "relationship" with her boyfriend than I had thought; she had learned all about our nearly ten year history from a mutual acquaintance. He and I had been sexually active together after they started dating but it stopped soon after. It pissed her off and she let me know it.
To my surprise though, it wasn't me she was pissed at, it was him. And not for the reasons I'd figured. It wasn't because she felt that he'd cheated on her, even though she knew everything. See, the three of us used to hang out together early on. She told me that she had seen me looking at him differently, and started to wonder when she saw me crying when I thought no one was around. She confronted me after hearing more and put an abrupt stop to my attempt to apologize. She told me it was bullshit; bullshit that he knew how I felt but seemed to drop me without a second thought when she came along, and just expected me to be cool with everything. She said it made her think differently about him. She wondered aloud what kind of person he could be if without even a second thought he could just drop someone who was so obviously hopelessly in love with him after nearly ten years. I cried and cried; I felt I had ruined things for her, who I considered a wonderful friend. She broke up with him shortly after that. When she told me about it she said I'd be wise not to bother with him either.
The porn video I had made was the result of my hope that the way to a man's heart was by his cock. I had hoped to show him the video and make him find me exciting again, to maybe get him back from this girl who had caught his eye. After I got to know her though, I couldn't do it, I felt I'd found a friend and didn't want to do anything to hurt her. Little did I realize at the time how right I was and how she would eventually stand up for me yet again. I retired the video permanently but found that I had missed about five minutes of tape. So that's the long story of those pix in my album.
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