Haunting Realities (Posted Jan 16, 2009)
Haunted- I'm haunted by thoughts, dreams, and past. Present and future are to far away to tell, but at this rate, I'll be insane or dead in 4 years. I'm facing the fact that there is no such thing as world peace, social peace, or any fucking peace whatsoever. I, the fix-it-all guy, have put emotion in places I shouldn't have, and got burned by it. In the past 8 months, I bottled up myu emotions, played a game I shouldn't have, and really, am in the same place I was 10 months ago...which wasn't bad, and I'm glad I didn't have any emotional attachments in the past 8 months, else it would have been worse.
See, people don't understand me, and I know, some of the people who read this will say we understand you. No you don't. Exclamation on you don't. Point is, I'm fine being a loner. I like it, really I do. I'm resigned to the fact I may be one the rest of my life, and you know what, I don't care anymore.
There is a lie in this world today, that says you must be happy only if you are with someone special. Hardly. I'm happy being single. I think if people really took the time to just be by themselves, they'd be in shock how much better their lives were. No, we feel pushed to be with someone, that sex is between two, or more people, and that masturbation is evil. Fuck that. A bunch of hypocritical bull shit. A religious bull shit thing to get people to reproduce for monetary purposes. If the world went single, within 100 years, the human race would be halved.....because people are much better suited by themselves. That's it, the truth.
Anyways, no way will I be able to go through life without getting married again, or having kids, or a long relationship...no way possible. However, I'm not in pursuit of it. I want to be, but the one who I truly care for......next paragraph.
So, I vaguely remember sitting at a park talking to this gal last summer, and we had a great chat. Technically, I laid it out how much I cared for her, and she felt the same way. She was "sorta" seeing this guy, but said I still had a chance. Ya fucking right. More like wait around until I see if this guy is gonna work out. (Ok, maybe that isn't true, but that's how I feel).
Within 3 weeks, she was living with him, he started some shit, and she sided with him. The clincher was when he said," Stay away from MY girl and MY daughter." Ok......talk about a heartbreaker. Oh well, move on, get over it. No talking to her for 4 months.
Then, she sends me a text over the holidays. Start talking a bit, and me, being less scared of losing her forever if I said the truth (cuz at one point and time, I could never say what I thought because I was cared she'd just say fuck off asshole and never talk to me again. Ya, pathetic, but I was in love with her.), I told her how I felt. She was receptive and even said she loved me over new years. Cool.
She said she was having issues with her sorta bf, that they weren't really together and shit, and so I started opening up a bit. I'm not the type to do things or move in on a gal behind her bf's back, but this guy is a class a loser, in my opinion. Hey, if he treats her good, I'm glad, but I don't have to like the guy, and I never will (I don't take kindly to people threatening me to get me in legal trouble...I hate fucking cops, and I hate snitches/rats).
So anyways, on my birthday, of all mother fucking days, she tells me her "weird news". She's pregnant with the guys kid.....WOW. Not only had she told me for the past few years she couldn't get pregnant, but she didn't want to if she could until she was married.
Of course, I was also the guy who bought in that when my wife said we'd never get a divorce, that that was set in stone. Oops......
So anyways, I didn't know what to say, exactly, so she asked me what I thought, and I said," I love you. Wish it was mine." She said,"Seriously?" and I said ya.....nothing until today when she asked why I wasn't talking. Geez, you just grabbed my fucking heart, ripped it out of my fucking chest, took a little fucking hammer, beat it to death, threw it in a blender, chopped it up and served it back to me.
So, the way I feel right now, I'd love to have a case of beer, but I'm somehow stronger then that. So, the next step is coming up.....what do I do.
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