This is me trying to be funny. It is long and stupid and barely relates to sex, but I hope you enjoy it.
The internet is a strange place. You may find love while raiding a dungeon with your guild, or you may form an enlightened political opinion from countless of sources. The internet has an equivalent for just about everything in real life, because the people who made the internet thought to themselves; “Everything is just a little bit too hard to hide from my wife.”
Enter Omegle; for any of you unfamiliar, omegle is the internet equivalent of going to an Arby's bathroom and knocking on a stall and asking a person their gender and location. Omegle lets you connect with one person entirely anonymously and speak to them. However, I don't just want to speak to these people.
No, I want to diddle these people. I want to get all up in their privates and such. If omegle is the equivalent of going to an Arby's bathroom and looking for a friend in there, then what I'll be doing tonight is the equivalent of soliciting sex at the same Arby's bathroom.
Omegle is simple enough to use; you just type in the address and choose between simply communicating through text or adding video to the mix. There's no real security or TSA to rub you down on the way in, which in this case is very unfortunate for me, because of my aforementioned mission to diddle somebody. I chose text chat because I felt it would be more sensual than just watching men masturbate.
My first conversation went nowhere, naturally, but the embers of hope were lit nonetheless.
You (Myself): Hey stranger, hoping for a diddling?
Stranger: hi... wat?
You: Oh don't worry about it. Lets just see where this goes, sexy thang.
You: I am female, yourself?
I lied about my gender because I assumed it would be the easiest way to get sex on omegle. I am not cruising for a fuck I'd enjoy, but any sort of fuck. Honestly, if you're soliciting sex in the bathroom, you have to make sure you keep your odds of succeeding at the highest they could possibly be, and my reasoning was that there are much more males looking to place their penis in something than females desiring to have penis placed within themselves. Unfortunately, my cunning and slightly sexist plan backfired.
You: I'm from Canada, yourself?
You: Do you mind if I ask if you're into the ladies or boy toys? Who do you like to get all up on?
I tried to play it cool, but hiding the fact that I was nervous was proving difficult; I had gotten myself into this mess, and now I had to feign femininity. I can't just lie and then tell her I am actually a male, then she would think I'm dishonest. I am not dishonest. Just lonely. Unfortunately, the young lady didn't fall for my charms, and disconnected. This gave me time to learn from this mistake and grow as a lover on the internet. On to greener internet love pastures I marched, finding nothing, until five or six conversations later.
You: Hey stranger, what are you wearing?
You: Woo, you're excited, that's good, me too!
I noticed a recurring trend on omegle; Occasionally people would enter the conversation with way too many vowels. It's as if vowels were a symbol of good will on the internet, while too many exclamation points were a gesture of deep, burning, smouldering, festering hatred.
You: My name's Mitchell, I'm from Canada.
Stranger: how r u sexy
You: A lot better now, hot stuff.
Stranger: i m ankita
Stranger: from india
You: Oh whoa, that's really awesome, I've never met anybody from India. That's a really beautiful name, I may name my first born after you.
This woman was impersonal and uncaring of what I told her. I could have said literally anything to her and the conversation would have stayed on the exact same track. It was this disconnection that made me rethink my approach and attempt to accelerate our relationship.
Stranger: how r u
You: I am well, I'm looking for loving, however.
This didn't work; She left me. I offered her my shivering hand and she cast it aside, as if I meant nothing to her. How could she do this? She had just called me sexy! I felt used and cheap, like a step mother would after she found out her step son's friend was hiding a camera during the entire sexual encounter.
I wiped the tears off my face and kept looking for somebody's virtual touch. Perhaps it was all in vain, perhaps I didn't know how to find somebody to love in this great Arby's bathroom that is the internet. Either way, I had to find somebody, even if I was just there to find myself.
Of course, if you sit in a bathroom stall, knocking on the neighbouring stall and asking to diddle the person therein, the police may eventually show up to arrest you for being a pervert.
You: Hey stranger danger
Stranger: We are the Internet-Police like us on facebook and help us get fags and trolls off omegle!
You: Oh God are you serious? I've done nothing wrong!
You know how embarrassing it would be to get caught being loose and promiscuous on the internet? Imagine how ashamed my mother would be. She would tell me I'm just like that pervert from Wham.
Stranger: im just asking u to like us on facebook to get faggots off omegle.
I was appalled. Flabbergasted, if you will, that the police would be so outwardly bigoted in public. There was no shame or irony in their already horrid statement; I felt I had to defend the gay community.
You: But what if I am a fag? What then you, monstrous, insensitive piece of fuck? Your head is so far up your ass that your shit has tooth marks. Your doctor gets violent flashbacks about your ass when he looks at roadkill on the highway, you miserable ass wipe.
Stranger:get the fuck off omegle u fag
You: You can't do this! This is unlawful and wrong! You are abusing your power! Police brutality. Police brutality!
I escaped before the Man could track my IP address, and turned off my router for a while. Even if the police tracked me down and decided to punish me for disrespecting an officer, I had the first amendment and documentation of his or her malpractice on my side. One thing was for sure; I hadn't found sex on omegle, at least, not yet. My search shall continue when the coast is clear.
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