Confused, hurt, and overcome with guilt...

Published by RideNaked2 in the blog RideNaked2's blog. Views: 130

Random thoughts-

Son 18, drug overdose last week that landed him in the hospital once again. This is the 6th time that he has been hospitalized. Docs decided that he was not trying to kill himself, he was just trying to "get high". We have been dealing with these issues with son on and off for almost 10 years, either drugs, alcohol or suicide or all three. He has gotten to the point that he will take just about whatever happens to be "handy" and available, in pill form. I have not known him to any other type, IE: shooting or snorting. He has been surprisingly open and somewhat honest (after he gets sober, of course) about what he was using.

The confusion. Why is he doing this? I know he has many issues. He has been hospitalized in mental facilities several times over the years. He carries a DX of bi-polar, ADHD, ODD to name a few. We have tried to help him so many times, through counseling and other programs. He has had issues with law enforcement as well as the public schools. Why can't he see what he is doing to himself and everyone around him that loves him. I'm get so frightened when the phone rings and he is out or I don't know where he is/what he is doing.

The hurt. Pretty self explanatory. I'm devastated that this is happening to my child and there doesn't seem to be a thing that I can do to help him.

The guilt. This is a big one. I'm feeling guilty for a number of reasons then feel guilty for feeling guilty. We had made a verbal contract with son a few weeks ago that there would be ZERO tolerance for drugs/alcohol. We also told him that he would NOT be allowed to stay in our home if this was broken. We feel that he has broken this contract. The drugs were consumed outside of our home. This is his argument, he feels that we didn't specifically tell him that he couldn't do drugs AT ALL so he would like to come back home. When I got the call he was being taken to hospital by ambulance, he was asking for me. I was told (by people that we have known for quite sometime), he was pretty bad. I went to the hospital. Was told by the ER doctor that he was stable. Was talked to by the local police department, they told me what they were told had happened. I had already knew all of what they were telling me from the person that had called me, so was not new info. I just sat there, I'm sure with a blank stare, not knowing what to say. The doctor asked me what my son may have ingested, crist, how the hell am I suppose to know. I wasn't with him, nor did I have any knowledge of him having anything. I had been doing secret searches of his room, afraid that he may be lying to us about his using. I knew that what ever he had taken had not come from our home! The drug he took was his own prescription. It was something that he has not taken for several months and he had stashed it at his real Father's house. I had NO idea that he even had any left. Anyway, they took me to see him. His blood pressure was 250/125, pulse was racing. He was getting fluids and had gotten 1mg a medication through the IV. He really didn't have much to say to me, but gave me a blank stare. There was no "I love you Mom", not "I'm sorry" NOTHING! This was very different. I left the room so he could use the bathroom, when I came back, his GF was there with him. They were laughing and carrying on, I asked my son if he had given the doctor permission to speak to me. He told me "no", I asked him if he planned to, again I got a "no". So, I decided that if he was man enough to get himself into this, it was high time that he take care of this himself. I told him I was going to go home, as he didn't really need me there as there was nothing that I could do. We have told him up to this point that he can not come back into this house. He is 18, no job and not really any place to live. I know in my heart that we will only continue to enable him if we let him back in the house...but can I with the GUILT if I do get that call one day that he has died and I didn't try this one last time to help him? If we let him come back, will this be the last time he will do this, he says it will, we have heard this so many times before.

Sorry, just a ramble of thoughts as I typed.
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