[Ask a Guy] Yup another porn question.

Discussion in 'Ask a Guy/Girl' started by Slm, Feb 19, 2016.

  1. Slm

    Slm New Member

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    Okay here's the deal. I have been with my boyfriend for 12 years, we have two young children. I have always been open with him about what I watch and look at and have always encouraged him to do the same. He's a closed book who up until a year ago to my knowledge didn't have a normal sex drive. I feel like I'm always begging for it. A year ago I accidentally discovered a nude picture website on his phone. I confronted him, he was embarrassed but answered my questions. He said that he uses these photos to jumpstart his sexdrive for later. He said he never masturbates while looking. The thing is I know how often he's using these sites. I know that his preferences are mostly teens, milfs and always crotch shots. He sometimes watched solo videos or webcam stuff as well. This drives me crazy because I'm still begging for it. And I've investigated, he's not jerking off either. I sometimes think I'd be more OK with it if he were watching videos/pictures of people actually having sex. Or if maybe he was obsessed with my lady bits. But he's not. So of course I feel like it's an issue with me. All Internet advice States
    This is normal. <-you're right
    You're insecure. <- you're right
    Watch with him. <- he's too secretive to share
    Don't make him stop. <-wouldn't try, I'd have to stop too.

    It's so innocent but it still bothers the hell out of me. Why??!?
     
  2. afunk13

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    He's doing it to have a sex drive for you. Why would you confront him and make him feel bad for doing something that benefits you. Begging for sex is not going to make him want it more it's going to make him want it less. Don't pressure him and let the porn thing go. You watch porn too so it's not fair for you to want to control what he watches.
     
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  3. teamster145

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    I think he is embarrassed about it. I would try and get him to watch it with you.
     
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  4. Slm

    Slm New Member

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    We've watched together. He's OK with that when we're naked and the blood is flowing. He mostly looks when he's alone at night or in the bathroom. I feel like he does it out of boredom sometimes. And the thing is the sex drive isn't being boosted because I'm still tapping my fingers a week later while his internet history tells me that he's spent 2 hours in the last week looking. If the link was direct for sure I'd be encouraging it. But it's not and it's frustrating. And any time I mention the lack of sex in our relationship he acts as if he understands, that he's sympathetic and always apologetic but still nothing changes.
     
  5. afunk13

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    Everyonr has a different sex drive. He's allowed to masturbate. Masturbation is different than sex. At some point after being together for twelve years you are going to have to decide what you can live with. How often do you guys actually have sex?
     
  6. Slm

    Slm New Member

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    I don't want him to stop. I just don't want to be turned down because he's tired but 3 hours ago instead of nailing me he was googling images on his phone, ya know?
     
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  7. Hypersexual11

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    Like you said, his sex drive isn't normal, if there is such a thing. His desire to look at what you consider tame is probably close to the edge of his comfort zone. He may be kinda grossed out watching people have sex. As far as problems go, I think for him, this helps solve a problem. Keeping up with your sex drive. Also, he is very uncomfortable about this. I'd suggest just not talking about it with him.
     
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  8. Slm

    Slm New Member

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    He doesn't masturbate though just spends 10 minutes looking and then goes about his day. We have sex about once a week but only if I make it known that thats something that's going to happen. He'd probably go longer if I'd let him.
     
  9. afunk13

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    Like I said masturbation is different than sex and everyone is entitled to it.
     
  10. fbbg

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    Porn is addictive, although this is more true when you actually become reliant on it to orgasm as opposed to just using it for getting "in the mood". At the end of the day its about both being happy. Sit down and talk about it. Both commit to making a potential sacrifice and make a deal, 4 weeks of him without the porn or any masturbation, you do the same and see where your natural sex drives go, see if he gets more turned on by you than the porn.

    This might well drive you mad in the short term, but if you've been together for 12 years, what is 4 weeks to try and improve the next 12 years?

    I know from personal experience that going from a long stretch of being single, to being in a sexual relationship, I often found it hard to cum and the less porn I watched the easier it was (over about 3 weeks or so), and it has been proven that porn addiction affects the brain and you need more and more (as well as stronger and stronger mental stimulation - i.e. skipping the boring parts of a porn flim/clip and concentrating on the orgasm etc.) in order to climax. Your other half may have a similar problem regarding getting aroused. It may be that he needs so much stimulation because he has become "numb" to "normal" levels of it (I use quotes as I know they are insensitive terms to describe the situation, but I can't think of a better wording right now).
     
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  11. afunk13

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    Once a week with two kids isn't that bad. Also how do you know for sure that he isn't masturbating? It doesn't take that long to get off with porn.
     
  12. Slm

    Slm New Member

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    I like that suggestion. I think a major part for me is the secrecy. I'm very sexual, he is not. I tell him what turns me on, I show him if I find something online that gets me going. I find myself constantly digging for answers about his habits. And he's so closed off but clearly he had preferences, and clearly he has the libido I'm looking for. So why can't he just use this as a way to be closer to me rather than a way to distance himself for me?
     
  13. Slm

    Slm New Member

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    For starters he said so. Secondly no evidence of clean up.
     
  14. Slm

    Slm New Member

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    You're right once a week isn't that bad. But without sex I find our relationship can become more about the kids and stresses of daily life. The sex keeps us connected, it keeps us a twosome instead of a foursome.
     
  15. afunk13

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    There is shower masturbation and he could cum into the toilet as well. Just because he looks at porn doesn't mean he has the same sex drive you do.
    Do you masturbate? If not it would be a good time to start. It will help you keep a level head.
    Not everyone is comfortable sharing what they look at as far as porn goes. Just let that go. Everyone is entitled to some privacy whether they are in a relationship or not.
    There are also other ways to be initiate without having sex. Have you tried masturbating together without porn? Even just cuddling and such brings you both closer together. You don't need to have sex to be connected.
     
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  16. Slm

    Slm New Member

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    I appreciate your help, I understand your advice and up until a year ago when my bf had no secrets from me I wholeheartedly agreed with what you're saying. Spending 10 years with someone, having conversations about porn talking about and watching it together. And not once was it mentioned that he does it too. Maybe my issue isn't with porn at all maybe my issue is with the lack of honesty that surrounds it. I don't care that he looks, I wouldn't care if he got off to it. Naked people are hot! I think if my needs were being met I'd have no issue. But I always go back to "if you had the spark to look, if you know I'm willing and waiting. How can that be better than this?"
     
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  17. Powerhouse

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    It think this answer may be the key.

    It is not you relatively speaking, but his secrecy could involve you in some way. Emphasis on that word because I'm only speculating for more options. Think of the old teenager movies...boys/men who masturbate are ever derogatory word but never just sexual. So masturbation/porn becomes our dirty little secret, even if someone knows, as they may not know I like "___". So perhaps talk less to him about the situation and more about his relationship with masturbation, porn, etc.. He could be very embarrassed from something as a child (most of us are to a certain degree) and intimidated by your sexuality as well. So if he feels less than adequate in any way, and knows what you like, he may feel he doesn't measure up (no pun intended), so he retreats to his private world where there's no pressure, all smiles, and he can never disappoint.

    As long as you remain sexually open and communicate, I think things will work out well...but it may take time, just don't blame yourself. I've watched porn with my girl decades ago and it was VERY uncomfortable, because I still felt uptight with her.
     
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  18. GuyBme

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    He could be a little bored with sex and also a little embarrassed about what he likes to look at or watch even if it's with you he may not be fully opening up. I understand this stuff can make both parties self concious and this can be hard. The mind is hard to control.
    Maybe try something new in bed? Slowly.
    I know it's pretty generic advice
     
  19. HazHardHat

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    Some great advice above and thanks for being so open and sharing @Slm Hopefully the thread helps out a bit. I would like to add that guys do sometimes just look at porn because they are bored. It happens....Check the sports page, maybe a porn page, and some e-mails. That series of events probably happens more than you know ;-) So I don't think that is particularly abnormal that he is doing that, at least in my mind. But yeah if you want him all the time and he doesn't have nearly the same sex drive, that could lead to a potential BIG problem. As everyone stated above, communication is the key! I'll log on here, look at the beautiful ladies, watch some porn vids, etc but best believe if I know my woman wants/needs it right then, its sign off time ;-) I hope you work through it with him Slm!
     
  20. Slm

    Slm New Member

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    Thanks everyone. We had a talk yesterday about him expressing his desires and needs when the moment strikes. I think letting me know I'm wanted and needed, even if the timing isn't right is helpful in accepting his habits.