Wife's changing behavior

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by yorkiesmurf, Oct 13, 2010.

  1. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    Hi All,

    Introduction

    First thank you to all of you have responded to my previous question. I am revising this question regarding a cuckold situation because I want to see if I get more replies because it is not in the general section. So, I am going to summarize my previous post, include a minor update, and re-ask the question in order to get the need opinions. Finally I am not looking replies regarding risks due to the fact we have had previous experiences with this and understand them. Instead the type of opinions that are being sought includes insight, direction from those who may have been in a similar situation, and other helpful insight.

    Summary

    My wife and I have been married almost 20 years. Prior to us meeting, she did a one-off fmf with a friend of hers and her boyfriend. However she has never expressed in any interest in having another two woman threesome and tells me the idea of being with another woman is a complete turn-off for her. Nonetheless, during our marriage time we have had a few cuckold experiences and mfm threesomes. All of the threesomes and cuckold experiences have been done as an one-off situation and were done several years ago. Plus they have not had any adverse impact on our relationship.

    Our last experience was a two male threesome and after it, I think, it met our need to experiment with exploration. After our last experience we settled in married life which has included going several changes which has included moving and career changes.

    However it was a few years ago that I thought I would "test the water" about having another threesome, cuckold experience, and with our move we are less than a half hour from a swingers club which I also suggested. The initial "testing" of the water created allot of "mixed messages." The mixed-message would include showing some interest in the idea, taking some preliminary steps to plan and then she would pull-back. This went on for a while and I began resigning myself to the fact that the last experience was it.

    Now, in the last six months she has began to show some thawing towards the idea. By this I mean for example the stark contrast with talking about the idea and then pulling back has ended. She has started to take more of the lead on the topic. Examples includes she is talking about guys, primarily celebrities she finds "hot" and would not mind sleeping with. Another example includes when she stays up late on the weekend watching television I will say something like, "you came to bed late," to which she sometimes will reply, "I was out late with my boyfriend." Final example she will ask me to text her cuckold or threesome descriptions to which we have a bit of fantasy play with.

    Minor update

    Recently she has started verbally teasing me that wants "to do" someone at work (though she does not mention anyone specific) and she likes bringing up the subject because according to her she likes to tease me. I know some may think that she has someone in mind. However her behavior does not indicate that to me and I think it is the idea that is interesting to her.

    Questions

    From the last question it appears there was a consensus that she was warming up to the idea. For me the challenge that I expect that I will face will be resistance. The resistance comes from her having a modern view of relationships, knowing a few people that have had "open relationships" that went bad, believing that "good girls" just do not have threesomes / cuckold even though she has, and worrying because her job involves contact with the public that she will be found out. For me one question that I have is how to do I continue to encourage this and begin taking small steps towards having either another threesome or cuckold experience while helping her to overcome her resistance? Final question that I have, I believe on an intellectual level she is comfortable with the idea but is there a way to assist her with getting comfort, once again, with it on an emotional level?
     
    #1 yorkiesmurf, Oct 13, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2010
  2. Mittimer

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    If she's not comfortable in doing this, don't try to take "baby steps" in forcing her to do so. Also, keep sex and work separate. No exceptions.

    Have you spoken to her about whether or not, flat out, she's willing to actually do this?

    Believing she's comfortable and KNOWING she's comfortable are two totally different things.

    For the record, I talk about wanting to fuck celebrities all the time. I talk about wanting to fuck hundreds of hot guys, all time. It doesn't mean I or my Fiancee will actually go through with it.

    You need to just sit down and talk to her point blank on whether or not this is something she truly wants to do. Coming to us for advice on how to talk her into it is pointless if in the end, you're just invading her comfort space.
     
  3. FlirtyChick

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    My answer only changes a little with your added descriptors.

    I think she is doing all this because she knows you want it, but she is not open to it and is trying to give you some semblance of fantasy of the whole scenario. The only thing you can do is ask her if she is considering it. We don't know her, or you, and cannot provide a definitive answer to what is going on here.

    Again, per your posts you have stated that you have done this successfully in the past, but you also say you have "settled" into married life and gave it up. Some who live "the lifestyle", or regularly engage in sex of this nature will negate the "risk", as you term it, and as you have here, but having gone through a very similar situation to please my husband and having it go bad as hell, i.e. divorce after 13 years, makes me jaded and cautious. There is always a risk associated with unconventional behavior. Think: Just because you blasted the speed limit yesterday and didn't get caught doesn't mean an officer won't pull you and ticket you today. The results of calculated rRsks change over time. The more times you expose yourself to a repeated risk, the more you chance having a bad result. Your wife is only speeding 5 miles above. Seems as if you are 15 or more miles above right now, which is ok, you just need to communicate.

    The entire reason behind my above rant is this: Marriage is sacred, as is the sex within that marriage. If both of you agree, and you can do this without repercussions, good for you, and I mean that. Satisfying sexual desires, including swinging, mfm, fmf, etc. and so on is absolutely healthy if both partners are open-minded and if your discussions are more like this:

    "Honey, I want another threesome, do you?"
    *OMG, yes, let's work it out*

    not this:

    "Honey, I want another threesome, do you?"
    *Oh, I don't know. I will if you want to*

    There was one couple here with a fantastic marriage, according to the both of them, who went the MFM route, after much communication and advice. He stopped the circus in the middle because of one intimate thing his wife spoke aloud during sex. She simply said "Make me cum, baby." That is all it took for him to say "Whoa, that line is reserved for me when I am fucking my wife." They survived because they discussed this all beforehand, and had a code word to stop...

    I am rambling, but examine YOUR feelings about the actuality versus the fantasy aspect and determine what you really want and what she wants. Marriage and the sex within is between both of you, and is reserved for the both of you only. If your marriage has matured to the "settled" point it may be time to leave well enough alone and just play with it between the two of you.

    Last time: Ask her, and make sure your communication is strong......

    I wish you the best.

    -FC
     
    #3 FlirtyChick, Oct 13, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2010
  4. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    Thanks for your reply. For starters I should have mentioned the experiences that we had a while back ago were her suggestion, not mine. Plus I probably should have been clearer regarding the example about wanting to fuck celebrities. The reason why I included that was to partially demonstrate her becoming more comfortable with the subject and being able to talk about wanting "to do" someone else in front of me. To me it shows a progression of becoming once again comfortable with the subject, an opening up of communication and I realize it is not an actual desire in which she would actually act on it. Furthermore, we have spoken about this and the issue for her is not an opposition to the idea. However the issue for her revolves around being found out due to her contact with the public but she becomes more comfortable with the idea when we are on holiday, vacation, and it has almost happened a few times, especially when we go to Amsterdam. Finally we have been married for nearly 20 years and I do know how to how to gage her level of comfort. From our discussions regarding the topic I do know she has an actual level of comfort with the idea and getting another perspective on this.
     
  5. FlirtyChick

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    Ok, so you have your answer. Thanks, however, for asking a question that allowed me to vent and exercise some personal therapy without having to pay the $80 this week. I hope this works out, and let us know. A story after it's executed would be great. Thanks!

    I don't mean to be sarcastic, and I apologize if I offend you, but it still sounds to me like you are trying to justify what you want. I mean, if she is ok with this, then why are you repeatedly asking us????
     
  6. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    Because of the risks involved we have only done this a few times and have seen couples who have had "open relationship" have their marriage fail. We both believe because of these experiences our communication is quite solid and neither of us would do anything that would intentionally put our relationship at risk. There is nothing that we cannot discuss with each other, openly and honestly. We are not passive-aggressive people nor do we "take one for the team." If we do go through with it, again, it will be an egalitarian decision based on trust, communication, agreed boundaries, and respect for each other. The only purpose for this question was to elicit some constructive insights.
     
  7. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    I am not trying to justify all I have done is re-asked a question due to the fact I have had a low number of replies and I wanted some more opinions. However I did not want to repost the identical question.
     
  8. Martin_Baker

    Martin_Baker New Member

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    Is being involved in a threesome with your wife really so important to you that you are prepared to have your marriage suffer irreversible damage if it goes badly?

    If the answer is yes it is so important to you, does that mean that if it does go badly and your marriage of 20 years ends, you would consider it worth it because you had that one last threesome?

    If the answer is no then does this need to be pursued?

    My opinion is the fantasy (and in your case occasional reality) of being involved in threesomes only makes up a tiny part of what occurs in a marriage. I'm not sure if you are searching here for a wide variety of opinions, or if you are only searching for one or two opinions that support and reinforce your desires. To me it sounds to me like she does not want this as much as you do. She may still fantisise about it, but maybe she no longer really desires being involved in threesomes.

    I would leave this one alone. From the way you describe your wife, if this is something she desires then she will tell you. And if she never tells you, then maybe it is best to live on in the marriage with the memories of what you have done.
     
  9. Barbwire

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    Martin, how'd ya get to be so wise? Another simply perfect reply, couldn't have said it better myself.