Wife playing with toys and it bugs me!-help!

Discussion in 'Member Introductions' started by SDAVIS, Jul 20, 2006.

  1. SDAVIS

    SDAVIS New Member

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    Hello ladies and guys:
    I need some advice/help. My issue is that my wife has a Rabbit that she ordered and she only plays with it alone. I don't have a problem with toys at all. However I think using the Rabbit diminishes her interest in sex with me because she uses it during the day and satisfies herself.
    This is especially of concern because a few months ago, I found out that she was having a 2 yr affair with a single friend of ours and she committed to have no contact AT ALL and to end it, and I'm sure she has. Had it not been for having 18 yrs invested in the marriage and having young kids, I would probably have left due to the dishonesty of it all. The toy concerns me again because I think she should invest that energy and desire in our relationship.
    Am I wrong to be after her for using the toy? Should I just let her get off using it as often as she likes and just accept whatever opportunity I get? She will not play with it with me, saying that would just be a performance/show. I can;t help but believe this is just more replacment of me with another man or machine due to the circumstances. What does everyone else think? BTW, we are mid-40's and she is thin and HOT!
     
  2. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    Okay, it's a little early for me so forgive my randomness of thought. It sounds to me like there are three separate issues.

    1. Trust. Have to completely moved past the issue of the affair? Is she using this toy to "replace you", as you put it? Due to what circumstances would she do this?

    2. Sex. Sometimes part of sex is a performance show. And sometimes us ladies play with toys alone. How often does she utilize this machine? I agree that she should invest energy and desire into your relationship, but ALL of her energy and desire? I personally don't think that her using a toy, in itself, should steal any desire for you. I wonder how often the two of you have sex and what you think of your sex life.

    3. What do YOU look like? What do YOU think of your sex life? Do YOU trust her? Do YOU feel fulfilled by her? Why does her using the toy without you bother YOU?

    I know I know. I ask lots of questions. Answer if you wish. It's my long winded way of saying that I see lots more going on here than just a husband who is uncomfortable with his wife using a toy alone.......
     
  3. SDAVIS

    SDAVIS New Member

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    Answers, more info:
    Thanks for the feedback. Reason she would use it to replace me might be due to some premature-ejac problem I once had and corrected with a presc. drug. Also, possibly, she can just have more orgasms with it than with me.
    2. I thin she uses it about every other day or so.We have sex, say, twice a week. Not enough for me, but she is a full time student too....Our sex life, when we have sex, is very good I woudl say. I make sure she reaches orgasm and I can last a long while now. My only complaints center around her lack of adventure and willingness to try new things. We have the same 3 or 4 step routine because that is what she wants.
    3. I am in decent shap, no hang belly, clean, clean breath, good teeth, professional type guy. I would prefer sex more often and it has come down to only having it when she wants to; I guess I'm not allowed to initiate it......I do feel fulfilled whwn we do have sex, but again, I woudl prefer to branch into some new things but she isn;t really open to much. Again, the reason it bothers me that she uses it is because I believe now that I have closed teh door on her having the affair, it has become her way of substituting something for me and then when I come home, she has gotten off and no longer has the hunger for sex. Do I trust her? I'll never trust her like I did before but I do trust that she now realizes the problems an affair or fling causes and the price she woul pay if it happens again and she would think hard before she ever does it again. As I told her, we ALL have the desire for someone new/exciting and new experience; it's just that most of us realize the damage it can do and never act on the urges. I don;t want it to appear that I am a prude at all. I LOVE sex and can;t get enough of it. Of course, I have a long PAST history of visiting nude joints, JO watching online porn, etc. I'll try anything in bed and would let her do anything as long as I was involved. All that is to say that I am no holier than thou husband, just one trying to understand the wife.
     
  4. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    Oh dear sir, I was not trying to indicate that I thought you were holier than thou; I assure you.

    Is she perhaps punishing you for ending her affair? That is the first thing I think when I hear of her behavior.
     
  5. SDAVIS

    SDAVIS New Member

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    She says sometimes she just needs 'a little more' and wants to use it after sex because if she has 3 orgasms with me, she can have 2 more with it. She also says she doesn;t fantasize about anyone, she just concentrates on herself when she uses it during the day. She says she is glad the affair is no longer a secret burden and is glad it's over. Of course, she had the usual mourning of its end at the beginning but that phase ended I am pretty sure.
    I thin she can just have very powerful orgasms with the toy, just as us guys can sometimes have powerful ones JO without having to worry abotu the other person. Still, it concerns me because it makes me think that she only wants me when she wants something done that the toy can't do, such as licking, which she LOVES!
     
  6. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    So it sounds like you're feeling a little used? And that your sexual needs aren't as important as hers?
     
  7. pussycat69

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    It's normal,for women to want/need more orgasm than they can get from their partner.I know a lot of women who "play" afterwards.They are satisfied by their partner,but but sometimes men wear out before we have completed our orgasms...some of us NEED to have several.Every woman is different.But you should talk to her if you think you two should be "getting it on" more often,or see if you can "help" her achieve the other needed orgasms.See if she'll let you help her play.
     
  8. SDAVIS

    SDAVIS New Member

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    I have asked her to bring it to bed and incorporate a few more O's with it in bed and I would help her and she is too embarrassed to use it in front of me. The thing I still don't like is that, just like the other day, I was out washing/waxing her car, came back in finished and noticed that she had had it out playing with it! Now, on a weekend day when I am on and certainly interested, why would she not round me up for some fun and games instead of using the toy? Wouldn;t the real thing be better, not to mention the closeness and companionship? I mean, if I was out of town for a week, then ok, but when I am home, choosing it over me? Yet, I would be thought of as TERRIBLE if I looked at online porn and JO!
    There just seems to be a double standard that I don't like. Not to mention that when she wants it, I am expected to wake up no matter how long I have been in bed, but if I want it, she is too tired, gotta get up early tomorrow, got a test, been up all day, etc. I'm starting to wonder if there wouldn't be someone out there that would be more appreciative of me and what I bring to the party and whether we have lost the chemistry forever. I just don't want to blow the toy issue out of proportion. I sum it up by saying, not enough sex for me often enough, yet too much toy play and I think they are related. Any more opinions out there?
     
  9. pussycat69

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    You got me there.
    I enjoy toys,but I personally choose not to use them without my other half.If i need a 'quick fix',even though he leaves me greatly satisfied(sometimes we need to relieve ourselves),I will take care of it without toys,but I don't want doing that to take away from our intimacies.
    It does seem that her 'playing' is taking away from your QT together and you both need to have a talk...it would be a different story if she was still ready and rearing to go,but you say otherwise.Could she have intimacy issues?
     
  10. SDAVIS

    SDAVIS New Member

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    I don't think so; I think it's just that she can do it to suit herself totally when she is alone. She said once that it was quicker to do that than to have an event with me. Of course, that totally leaves me out! I guess my concern is that this continues to be indicative of a larger unrevealed issue, or just plain old selfishness. I just don't know.
     
  11. pussycat69

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    Obviously it has to be one or the other.All I can tell you is there is nothing like the 'real' thing.But she is lucky to have someone like you who cares enough to try and solve this issue:) .Some men just don't care or pay attention.
    Good luck.
     
  12. SDAVIS

    SDAVIS New Member

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    I think I am a good guy. We have had our problems as most cpls have when raising kids and working, but she hasn't worked outside the home in 12 years, has $40k in jewelry and a very expensive German convertible, not to mention a home valued at over $500k. I sort of wonder of maybe she has grown tired of me, but needs me for financial reasons and for the kids's sake. You knwo the saying, easier to stay than to leave?
     
  13. loveitrough

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    The joy of toys , Let her play with her toys:dgrin
     
  14. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    Loveit, baby, did you read it all? You are with a woman who gives you pleasure pretty constantly, if all your words are true. His is not the same story. He wants to regain his sex life and his marriage..... as a man who tells of a wonderful sex life and a seemingly happy marriage, do you have any great insight?
     
  15. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    She had a 2+ year affair with someone, and it was revealed and ended about 2 months ago. I'm thinking that perhaps the intimacy between you and your wife is going to have to go through some re-building, and it will take time. Even though she has ended it, is glad about it being over, and is past the "usual mourning of it's end", she may still be harboring unresolved personal conflicts about everything that has happened. She may not be able to "lose herself" in sex with you yet - - but can't admit that or perhaps doesn't even know that's WHY she substitutes.

    I feel for you, SDAVIS, as it seems you've been dealt a Double Whammy through all this. You have obviously lavished her with a very comfortable life. Whether or not you were previously attentive to her sensual side, you obviously want to work at getting the spark back now.

    I'd suggest that, if possible, be patient a bit longer. Let her work through whatever it is that is holding her back from giving herself and her desires to you again.

    Hope things turn around soon. :tup

    -------------- and one more thing.... unless you are both in the presence of a marriage/sex counselor, do not bring up the affair to her, especially during heated discussion. If SHE brings it up, fine. But until she is sure that you have moved on, she may not be able to let herself move on. :shrug just a thought
     
  16. SDAVIS

    SDAVIS New Member

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    Thanks everyone, especially Rose, for the feedback. I think you pegged it exactly. It looks like patience is the key right now. I think you are right about not mentioning the affair again. Everytime I do, just in discussion, not using it against her, I think it causes her to fear that I am undecided about staying with her and still hardoring ill will about it. While the whole thing may still hurt at times, best for her not to see that as it just scares her into shutting off inside.
     
  17. naughtywife

    naughtywife New Member

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    All I can say is, I hope she realizes how lucky she is to have a man who honestly WANTS to be with his wife after something like that. I agree with Rose.. I think she's afraid of trying to get close for fear of you changing your mind - or fear of her changing hers, for that matter. Who knows? Maybe you could even surprise her with a NEW toy.. one that takes both partners (thinking of those vibrating panties, I am).. maybe if she feels like you are actually INVOLVED and not just 'watching', it might make a difference to her.. I don't know... But, I wish you the best!