Wife Left

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Logger, May 12, 2005.

  1. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    Since I have been so freely giving others advice on how to improve their relationships, I feel a duty to report my personal setback, so that everyone might fairly evaluate my advice.

    I expect that my wife and I will get back together, so this title might be overstated and a little overly-dramatic. My wife's mother is out of town for a month, and my wife has to feed her mother's fish anyway, so I guess she is staying at her mom's apartment. When her mom gets back, my wife will have to decide whether to move back home, or actually go ahead and get her own apartment.

    But the questions still come to mind:

    1. Should I telphone W? If she does not answer, should I leave a message?

    2. Should I ask W out to lunch from her work?

    3. Should I feel bad, or should I try to just go on with what has to be done for the family?

    4, Should I continue with my exercise running/jogging program? I jogged on Sunday and Tuesday. I am due to jog tomorrow.

    5. Should I start calling up other women who are friends, or should I wait a while longer?

    6. Should I tell people that she left, or should I delay telling anyone?

    7. Should I tell my close relatives, or just keep them in the dark for a while?

    8. Should I make more demands for things I really want, or should I trim back my desires in the marrage, and just try to get back together?

    9. How do I handle my feelings of resentment and betrayal?

    10. If I feel embarrassed when someone asks about W, should I admit that I feel embarrassed, or should I just guffaw my way out of it?

    11. Am I a real man, if my wife left me?

    12. Should I tell others to call my wife if they want to know what happened, or should I make up a good story to make myself look good?

    13. How about, "Well, the marriage was really just on a trial basis anyway, and it happened that our interests grew in different directions, so I guess it just didn't work out."

    It is probably too early to really know anything, as she only left a few hours ago, for this first night.

    Ideas?
     
    #1 Logger, May 12, 2005
    Last edited: May 12, 2005
  2. longnstrong

    longnstrong New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2005
    Messages:
    567
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    in a female on earth
    sorry to hear bout your probelm. since i dont know why u 2 broke up i will just give you a general theory on what i think you should do. i think you should keep your distance because if you try to talking to her too soon then you might get into another fight. but you need to also show her that you still care and miss her. i suggest having a friend contact her to see how she's doing and maybe arrange a meeting, that does not last very long and make sure the conversation veers away from what ever happen last night. that is if you can arrange a meeting that would happen with in the next couple of days. i think it would help if you two got together a number of times without fighting and just hang out. if fighting is what cause her to leave in the first place.

    tell her that you will talk about what ever it was that happen that night on a given date. you dont want her to think that every time you guys get together you are going to talk about last night. that would put alot of presure on her to resolve the issue soon or avoid talking to you until she decides.

    then tell one of your lady friends exactly what happened during the meeting. dont ask her to take sides just try to get her to grade you and suggest what you should do next. dont say you are sorry for anything too quickly.

    everyone gets into fights with their lovers, friends and or family (i often get in aguements with my self) it shouldnt be that big of a deal. i think you are stressed out because it just happen, once some time rolls past you will realize how silly the whole thing probably is.

    and dont tell your family until everything is decided. good luck.
     
    #2 longnstrong, May 12, 2005
    Last edited: May 12, 2005
  3. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    Dear Long and Strong,

    Thanks for the suggestions. I am just keeping a low profile for right now.

    Blessings
     
  4. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    Update:

    Wife came back, seems OK. I am still working on making things better. I am working on better compliments and rations to complaints. I am also asserting some solutions to her complaints.

    Continuing on.
     
  5. kbate

    kbate New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2004
    Messages:
    571
    Likes Received:
    1
    1. Should I telphone W? If she does not answer, should I leave a message?
    Yes, you should phone to either tell her "I hope you are alright" or leave a message to that effect. Do not under any circumstances engage in a long discussion on the telephone or on an answering machine. Do not plan out a conservation in advance and try to script it.

    2. Should I ask W out to lunch from her work?
    No. You should allow her space, but leave a message to let her know you are open to talk.

    3. Should I feel bad, or should I try to just go on with what has to be done for the family?
    Take care of your business. I can't tell you or anyone how to feel, you should feel whatever feelings you are experiencing, own the feeling and accept it. Whatever you feel it is right.


    4, Should I continue with my exercise running/jogging program? I jogged on Sunday and Tuesday. I am due to jog tomorrow.
    Yes. You should continue all normal activities.

    5. Should I start calling up other women who are friends, or should I wait a while longer?
    If you expect to ever get back with your wife, you should not call other women.

    6. Should I tell people that she left, or should I delay telling anyone?
    You should tell your closest family and friends but noone else.

    7. Should I tell my close relatives, or just keep them in the dark for a while?
    see 6.

    8. Should I make more demands for things I really want, or should I trim back my desires in the marrage, and just try to get back together?
    I cannot tell you what you should do, nobody can. You know already what you want as concerns your wife and you should work toward that end. It is perhaps time for you to visit a therapist with your wife and put the self-help aside. Knowledge is great but outside opinion is of more value at times like this.

    9. How do I handle my feelings of resentment and betrayal?
    Resentment is the worst offender in marriage and love. You need to look at the resentment and analyze it completely. Look to your failings in each instance where you have resentments. Assume that she has the same resentments and look for your own wrongs before holding yourself blameless. You will find resentment easier to let go if you know that the problem actually stems from within, that if you are bothered it is because there is something wrong in you.

    10. If I feel embarrassed when someone asks about W, should I admit that I feel embarrassed, or should I just guffaw my way out of it?
    It is always best to own your feelings, and to lie is to add to your shame and embarassment. You do not need to elaborate with every person but you should be honest. Nobody ever regrets honesty later, while lies are always regretted.

    11. Am I a real man, if my wife left me?
    Your wifes actions do not reflect upon your own worth. It reflect only on her assessment of the value of your relationship, not on you.

    12. Should I tell others to call my wife if they want to know what happened, or should I make up a good story to make myself look good?
    Honesty is the best policy. If they are her friends then tell them "she left and you can talk to her at 666-6666." If they are your friends tell them anything you want, but the truth is always best.

    13. How about, "Well, the marriage was really just on a trial basis anyway, and it happened that our interests grew in different directions, so I guess it just didn't work out."
    If that is the truth then fine. If you are trying to be nonchalant and macho then you will end up regretting the words.


    Only posting this now because I thought the questions should have at least some answer. Glad she came back.
     
  6. Logger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2003
    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    45
    Gender:
    Male
    Dear Kbate,

    Thanks for the insights. Many of the issues in the questions still need further resolution. Wife seems willing to discuss issues in a planning, cooperative manner, for now. Some of the questions will be faced by many other readers, when a partner leaves.

    Blessings
     
  7. Cotton_Candy

    Cotton_Candy New Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2005
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Logger
    glad your wife came back and hope you two are working everything out. Best wishes to you both..