Wife has no desire... help!

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by unwanted, Sep 29, 2007.

  1. unwanted

    unwanted New Member

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    Hello everyone,

    I am brand new to the forum and desperately seeking some guidance.
    My wife and I have been together for 5 years. She is 7 years younger than me (she is 24) She was a virgin when we met, but it wasn't long and we were having sex. At first the sex was good, but about 4 months after we became sexually active she became pregnant. But after MUCH discussion we decided to terminate the pregnancy because we hadn't been together long and she was only 19 and was scared. Everything seemed to go back to normal for a few months after the termination, our sex life was still good, we ended up getting married about 6 months later, about 3 months after we got married, her desire for sex completely went away, like turning off a switch. She want's nothing to do with sex in any way shape or form, I can do anything to try to exite her and nothing works, she does not get wet, she never gets aroused, and never initiates sex. I can run my hands all over her body and play with her when we are in bed and she gives me no response at all. It has been like this now for 3 years. We have had sex maybe 5 times in 3 years and that is only because I practically had to beg for it. We have seen a doctor and had tests done on her hormone levels and everything seems normal, the doctor had her go off the birth control pill thinking that may be the cause of her low libido, and that did not help. I have tried everything and am just about out of ideas. She is extremely shy and trying to talk to her about these problems results in her getting mad and refusing to talk about it. She does not want to see another doctor, and she doesn't want to go to counselling when I suggest that. I know for a fact that she is not cheating on me, and she says she still wants me when I ask her.. however there is never any sex. I have been very patient but am starting to get very frustrated. We are very happy in the rest of our relationship, other than the lack of sex everything is fine. Sorry for being so long winded.... Can someone point me in the right direction? Willing to try almost anything at this point.
    Thanks!
     
  2. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    I'm not really sure what to suggest, other than that maybe she's had some psychological problems since the termination.

    Other than that, there's not really much that will change until you're ready to do something to get her attention. Since she's refusing to go to counseling or a doctor, maybe you should tell her you're going to move out for a while. Otherwise, this will continue for years.
     
  3. evman

    evman New Member

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    I think the problem is out of our league unless someone on here is a therapist. It could be something physical or psychological as Halogen suggested. She really needs to see someone. I know you said she is unwilling to do that. You really need to sit her down and talk to her. Reassure her that you love her and that you are concerned about her. You need to let her know how it is effecting you also. She is way to young to have no interest in sex and you are too young to have to go without. She must know that it's not normal behavior for her to have no interest in sex. There is definitely something bothering her so try to be supportive and let her know that.

    Good luck and hang in there.
     
  4. Animularisen

    Animularisen New Member

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    It might be something about the child... Is he pregnant? She may not of told you... Could you discuss with her the first pregnancy? I went off sex a few years after I lost my child at the age of 17... I'm now just turning 19 (in December ^__^) and have only just got back into sex...

    Sometimes even tho she may have accepted it on the surface but have problems dealing with inside...
     
  5. Gunnther

    Gunnther New Member

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    I absolutely feel your pain unwanted.

    I have been with my Girlfriend for about 6 years, and yes, I know its not quite marriage ( to all those people pointing that out to me), but we have been living together for most of the past year.

    Our relationship started off really well, with a fair amount of sex, b.ut, like yourself we had a pregnancy situation. We had literally been dating for about a year, and having a baby was not something either of us wanted. We just felt it was way too early in our relationship to state that we were ready to have a child, neither of us wanted a child ( she, waaaay more than me ) and we certainly wasnt ready financially. Scary and stressful though this situation was, it really had no bearing on our sex life...
    I say this because sex was not something my girlfriend was really into. She would never (and still doesnt ever) initiate, discuss or express a desire, passion or interest in any area of sex. This is the way it has been since shortly after we started dating, way before our pregnancy situation.

    I have tried being completely gentle, open and understanding. She knows if I could do anything for her that would help her, or flick her switch to get her interested in sex I would do anything that it requires. I would be lying if I said all that matters to me, is her happiness, her pleasure. Its been nearly a month again now since our last time, and right now im wound up and tense from all the sexual tension i have built up but cannot do anything about. I am telling the truth when I say i would do aything to gain her interest in a healthy sexlife - but after all these years i just cannot see it happening. I thought that giving her time would win her trust, but sadly the reverse is happening...

    Im slowly appearing to her, to becoming a sex pest, as i cant help desire it more and more,.. while it destroys what stock in our relationship i have.
    And the more time i have given to her, with no pressure or discussions about sex (in the vain hope the abscence of sex might ignite any existing passions) has become more and more the norm. Its almost heresy to actually mention it as of late.

    I would like us to go to counselling - but as we all know that requires two people wanting it, and so far im alone on that.

    Do any girls have any advice out there. Im sure there are many more blokes out there like unwanted and I.
     
  6. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    I don't know what to say, But am inclined to agree with
    halogen, 3 years is way to long to go without sex.
    I think I would give her a choice of getting profesional help
    or hit the road.

    Hiker
     
  7. Squint

    Squint Member

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    Wow.

    There was a time when I though love could ‘fix’ all things. I still long for that to be true, but sadly experience has at the very least tempered that notion.

    Try and fix it. Only you can decide when you have failed and then take the next step.

    I can tell you that people are all different. There are women that crave contact and closeness. Messages, caressing and cuddling. My wife (current) is this way. Fulfill them & normally they will gladly fulfill your needs.

    As there are some that crave it, some people just don’t (closeness, contact) or have a big libido. While it’s easy to say it’s not ‘normal’ I have found that ‘normal’ has a big range or distribution. I know married people that sleep separately because one doesn’t ‘like to touch anyone’. Hurts my head to envision it. You wife may not be like that, although she sounds comfortable like this.

    Such people need to be paired with similar people. When they are not you will have similar problems of fulfillment.

    Just some things I have figures out.

    It’s ‘out of my league’ to say the nature of your predicament. Try and fix it.

    Truly whish you the best and feel for your loss.
     
  8. unwanted

    unwanted New Member

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    wow.. I want to thank everyone for all the responses. I really appreciate it.
    I have thought of most of the things you all suggest, however, being married, we have a mortgage... cars... blah..blah, you all know how it is. And the fact is, I just can't afford to move out, nor do I want to throw everything away just yet. The strange thing is that she DOES crave closeness such as holding hands, cuddling.. She will not ever go a day without giving me a hug and a kiss when I get home from work, she even watches me through the window as I drive away while leaving for work. But to try and take it any further than this results in absolutely nothing. IF things were like this from the beginning, I would say there is no hope, but there was a time when she wanted sex all the time, she would give me a blowjob or a handjob without me even asking for it. Then it all stopped. This is where my problem is, We get along so good in every way, and the sex used to be there. I just want to find out what has happened and get things back to as they once were. I have ordered a book for her to read, I hope she will have a good look at it. And I HOPE it can help. here is the title:
    Perfectly Normal: Living and Loving with Low Libido, From Sandra Pertot, Ph.D.
    if this doesn't help, I am not sure where else to turn!!
    thanks again for all the replies. I think it is helping a lot just being able to discuss this with people.
     
  9. evman

    evman New Member

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    My wife went through a phase when she didn't really want sex hardly at all. Part of it was having four kids 5 and under. It was very demanding and she was tired mentally and physically at the end of the day. The rest of our relationship was solid it was just the sex that was lacking.

    We finally have all the kids in school all day now and my wife is not as worn out. It helps too that sometimes I get home during the day before the kids get home from school allowing us to have some sex during the day while we are both wide awake. She still doesn't want sex as much as she did before the kids but it's still early in the school year and I'm hoping she will be more relaxed as the school year progresses. My wife was actually pretty wild before we had kids and I don't know if she will ever return to that form but I'm hoping. But of the reason she tells me is that she's a mom and mom's shouldn't do certain things. I try to remind her that she is still a woman, mom or not.

    Good luck with your situation. I may try to pick up that book for my wife too. It can't hurt.
     
  10. Bluesy

    Gold Member

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