Wife Has Got So Fat

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Bassai, Oct 17, 2013.

  1. Bassai

    Bassai New Member

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    We have been married 31 years. I love my wife very much. For the most part we have had a good sex life and always honest and open with each other.

    But in the last few years, for reasons I can't really ascertain, my wife has ploughed into the junk food and sweets and has gotten really fat. She just doesnt seem to care about how she looks any more.

    She has gotten so fat that when we try and have sex I just get plain turned off. Sexually I find her revolting. Thats sounds awful but thats how I feel. I think she knows it because where possible she would rather jerk me off than give me the full monty, which would mean taking her clothes off.

    How on earth does one tell your wife that having sex with her is revolting?

    We have always communicated well but to tell her something like this is so hard.

    I have always looked after myself. I am 56 and run 4 miles every morning and often workout with weights etc and keep myself in good shape.

    I have tried to encourage to exercise etc but there is always an excuse. She has an eating problem and wont admit it.

    The problem is now that I have started looking at other women. I have started looking at porn and when my wife decides I need "milking" those pictures are the focus of my fantasies. I feel guilty about it after but at the time I just cant hold back my lust.

    I just cant bring myself to say "You are ruining our sex life by being over weight". I know her. It would devastate her.

    I dont want to hurt her but I fear that I may end up having an affair or going to a prostitute.

    What should I do? I cant ignore my sex drive!!

    Bassia
     
  2. Meee

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    Welcome to the site.

    This is completely your choice. It isn't something you "end up" doing. It's action that you decide to take. You can't ignore your sex drive, but you can choose what you do about it. You can talk to your wife, or divorce her, or cheat on her. These are choices. They are your responsibility. Her weight doesn't cause any of your actions, it doesn't justify any of your actions.
     
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  3. WS4

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    Dude my wife is 5ft 6in when i met her she was 110lbs. 33 years later she is about 190. Most of it in the belly and tits. 2 kids work stress and she likes junk food. Me I'm 6ft 180lbs. I had some issues with it mabey 10 years ago but I love her and I did agree to for better or worse. Rejecting her IMHO is the worst thing you can do for her if you love her. Mine for years would only have sex in dark we got over that. Weight and all I will bend her over and pound the shit out of her we both love it. She has new confidence now that we have renewed our sex life and she has started to loose some weight. 30 years is a lot to toss away. I don't know if any of this helps but we are men and if its breathing we will f it. Good luck.
     
  4. backcheck64

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    My wife was 5'5" and about 120lbs up until our second child, after that she ballooned up to about 185. I never said anything, but it bugged the hell out of me. Then one day she looked in the mirror and said "God I'm my mother". She dropped 76 lbs and went from a size 14 to a 0/2, then she put on some lean muscle mass. She's settled in at about 114 of solid cut muscle and looks better than ever. She's the only one that can drop the weight and something has to trigger it.
     
  5. Plate

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    Bring up the health issues involved with obesity. Tell her that type II diabetes kills more people than violent crimes and accidents COMBINED! Don't lie to her, you don't want an affair, you want your wife to loose weight and be healthy. Don't hit her with sex about it, hit her with love and concern about her well being.
     
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  6. esorb

    esorb Member

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    Hay Buddy,

    Why don't you try to encourage her maybe it's not her fault ever thought about that ? You married her right ? so why don't you step up to the plate be a real husband and be positive about it and giver some real love and talk to her about it in a delicate way be a man and do your duty has a husband. Fantasy is only online. The reality of it buddy is that you wanna run when it getting to hot on the stove.Help her out buddy she's your wife don’t let her down !!!

    Regards
    Dabonz
     
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  7. ISOParadiseCity

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    One thing I will add, the above posters gave really excellent advise, is NOT to tell her she is 'getting fat' or any derivation of that. She will resent you for saying that.

    It sounds like she has rejected your attempts to excersise, etc. Honestly, I think it is possible she is depressed, and the eating is the only satisfaction she gets. Problem is, then people gain weight, and then they get depressed because they add to their low self worth due to their own perceived image issues.

    I don't know what to tell you, other than to ask her, "Are you happy?" Maybe tell her she seems unhappy lately, and you are concerned about it. She may not even realize the downward spiral she is on.

    For for the sake of anything, do not tell her, "You are/getting big/fat/overweight."
     
  8. outofmymind

    outofmymind Member

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    I think you have to be honest and tell her how you feel. This is your wife, how are you going to hide something from her for the rest of your life? You can approach her however you want, be playful about it if you want to, but you have to be honest. To ease the tension a bit, have you talked to her about BJ's? A BJ should feel the same regardless of her weight.
     
  9. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    This is key. Her getting fat is likely a symptom of a much bigger problem that is causing her to overeat. You need to try to find that "root cause" issue and see what can be done to address it. For example, maybe after 31 years of marriage she is disappointed about something. Maybe seeing how fit you are might be a reminder to her how she is not, and she may feel too depressed to try. That is your source of attack - not "you're fat", but "Are you happy? I'm concerned about you". Not having sex with her might be taking away of of the few enjoyable things she has left. Been there, done that - don't want to bore everyone with the details but during our marriage my Bunnie's two major weight gains where due to family relationship issues, once those were addressed the weight came off and she is at a healthy weight today after may years of marriage.
     
  10. Silverfox

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    I agree with several of the posters above about this being a deeper issue than that she's "just getting fat". I'm bipolar and when I go into a depression, my physical activity drops, I start eating, and up goes the weight. When I have an adjustment in my medications, and I reach equilibrium, I become more outgoing, physical activity goes up, and my appetite goes down. The weight comes off. I'm not saying your wife is depressed, but I will say this. I used to work for an insurance company that sold life and disability coverage. One of the first questions on the medical questionnaire is "Have you lost or gained ten pounds or more in the last five years". The idea is that change in weight is an indicator of health. If you'd lost or gained they took a much closer look at you before they would sell you coverage. It could be emotional, mental or physical.

    Whatever you do, I think honesty is always best in the long term. Don't decide to have an affair or go to a prostitute. Thirty one years is a lot to throw away. Not only will you devastate her, but your conscience will start eating away at you, pretty soon you'll start rationalizing your behavior, and you two will start to drift apart because you'll be driving a wedge between you. You'll wind up divorced or in a stale marriage, unhappy because of what you've done in an irrational moment.
     
  11. WorriedCatherine

    WorriedCatherine New Member

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    I agree with everyone that your wife needs help and you can support her through that, but I did also want to say, you sound like a really lovely man. You have been faithful to her for 31 years - you've just started looking at porn because she has given up on herself, and you feel guilty about it. Wow. With you by her side, I am sure she recover from her weight problem. You clearly love her and would rather work through this with her than go elsewhere. I think you're great.
     
  12. oldkid

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    I, too, had a wonderful wife who ballooned up to 5' 3", 250 lbs. We will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary in March of next year. Part of our plans include me between her legs, if I can get it up. My wife hated herself for 20some years, 'cause she couldn't lose more than 20 lbs or so, for me. I never suggested in all that time that she should lose the weight for me. We finally stopped having sex entirely about 8 years ago, not because of her, but because of my problem with ED. Her doctor referred her to a psychologist, a woman known to the doctor as being good with overweight women. My wife grew to trust her. After about six months, she realized her eating problem was caused primarily from low self esteem, and her weight made the problem worse. Two and a half years ago, my wife met a gastric modification surgeon who was performing four procedures per day. She signed up for a irreversible procedure, that took less than a year to shed 100 lbs. She did it for her, not for me. Today, she weighs 160 lbs and we're having some of the most fun sex of our lives.
    Your wife may have similar problems. Try talking to a psychologist first. Consider Gastric bypass surgery. Make the decision jointly. Make sure it's for her or it won't work.
     
  13. backcheck64

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    Until she changes her eating habits, gastric bypass is only a temporary fix and most balloon up larger than they were, not to mention the thousands of complications that can and do occur.
     
  14. 12barblues

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    True...A friend of mine almost died. Was in the hospital 6 months . However he did change his eating / exercise habits and has kept all the weight off...I don't think it's worth the gamble..
     
  15. 12barblues

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    But none of it matters since the op hasn't been back since he started the thread. Lol
     
  16. rileyjane

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    You need to talk to her about this, it sounds to me like she is depressed, find out what has changed with her. You will have to be careful how you word this and reassure her how much you love her, tell her you are concerned for her, her well being and her health, tell her you miss the sexual relationship that you used to have.. Encourage her to take walks, and eat healthier, and if necessary a support group may help..