wife, change of life, lack of sex,

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by norton4617, Jul 25, 2012.

?

fiedelity, non fiedelity or something is so wrong

  1. Just the change

    2 vote(s)
    16.7%
  2. loss of attraction

    6 vote(s)
    50.0%
  3. toys vs the real thing

    3 vote(s)
    25.0%
  4. prefer to be freinds

    1 vote(s)
    8.3%
  5. masterbation is quick and easy

    4 vote(s)
    33.3%
  6. sex or masterbating, which do yo prefer

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  7. should I be worried

    3 vote(s)
    25.0%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. norton4617

    norton4617 New Member

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    Since my wife has been in the change of life our sex life has suffered. When we do have sex I sort as feel as if it is a chore. We lack emotion, spontaneity, lust. I am at a loss, I love sex and pleasing her. She tells me it is her hormones and lack of sex drive but I also know she goes for the toys whenever I am going to be gone for a while. Am I blind, seeing something that isn't there or in trouble?
     
  2. AGFUNK

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    Have you tried talking to her?
     
  3. norton4617

    norton4617 New Member

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    Sure, but what I hear is her lack of sex drive due to the change of life she is going thru, but there seems to be enough time for the toys when I am gone, I actually thought we had a good relationship with great communication. But when sex is never iniated on her part and she waits until I am gone makes me wonder. I am extremely sexual and evidently she is also when I am gone
     
  4. AGFUNK

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    Have you told her that it upsets you that she uses toys and doesn't want to have sex with you?
     
  5. norton4617

    norton4617 New Member

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    no, I am not suppose to know that t=she is doing this
     
  6. AGFUNK

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    Well maybe you should mention it to her. It could change things.
     
  7. Barbwire

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    Which begs the question, how do you know she is? Are you snooping through her things? Do you have cams set up? ???

    Please explain.

    This thread is long on speculation, short on details that are vital, for me at least, to try to give advice.
     
  8. MILF_Rider

    MILF_Rider Member

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    Please answer these specific questions:
    How old is your wife?
    When you say change of life, do you mean menopause?
    How long have you been married?
    Who wears the pants?

    I read two very ligitmate issues. If by "change of life" you mean menopause, then it makes perfect sense.

    I also read the way you talk about the issue. It sounds as if you lack the dominant frame of mind that creates attraction in women, and this might be a turn-off to her. This would be an issue for which it would be possible that something can be done.
     
  9. norton4617

    norton4617 New Member

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    She is 57 and has been going thru menopause for 5+ years, it just came out of the blue. It as though someone flipped a switch. We are both very laid back and have great communication on most I guess. We have been married 8 yrs. I have always wore the pants when necessary but really we work and agree before doing anything major. I use to be a dominant person but found I would rather enjoy the person and allow them to grow. I have never tried to change my wife. After all this first started I thought that maybe there was some infidelity but I dont believe in looking for something that isnt there. But I did start to notice that she was using her toys more and we were having sex less. I dont mind the toys and encourage it on her own and together. But I feel a couple should be having intimate relations more often then you would use the toys. Am I wrong?
     
  10. pbs

    pbs
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    Norton,

    Some women get a little bonkers during the change, I know my mom did, but my wife has stayed pretty sane, thank God. Try working with her new preferences, even help her with the toys if she'll let you, and continue to be part of her life if you can. Above all, try to accept who she is while she is going through this difficult time, and try not to make it any more difficult for her than it already is. I think she knows she's a little nuts, and your patience will help a lot. Good luck.
     
  11. boobjob

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    It is impossible for any of us to say. We can only talk about possibilities. It may even be hard for her to know what she is feeling. She may be using toys in an effort to boost her libido. I think you really need to say to her that you know about the toys and were wondering about them. Assure her that it is ok to not have sex if that is what she wants. You must express the fact that you have desires too and possibly needs but remember that she is probly feeling pressure and guilt about not having sex. That can make matters worse. Try suggesting that you spend time holding hands, hugging and being intimate in other non sexual ways. Try suggesting low impact sexual release for you like her giving you handjobs and showering together. If she uses the toys maybe you can use them together. Also examine your relationship. There may be somethibg cause stress in the non sexual aspects between you which is also a contributing factor. Good luck.
     
  12. Barbwire

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    You didn't answer my question.
     
  13. boobjob

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    Don't mess with BW. She gets cranky.
     
  14. mroe

    mroe New Member

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    I feel for you. Am going through the same exact thing with my wife. She's not even into doing herself. Lost all interest. My last appeal went this way, may help you. I said I can sympathize with the lack of desire when you have gone through menopause, but if the situatioin was revesred, and I had no desire due to hormones or injury, because I love you, I would still somehow come up with a way to be sure I was able to satisfy you. I can't understand why you can not do the same for me?
     
  15. norton4617

    norton4617 New Member

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    I dont call it snooping. When you go thru this you start to doubt yourself. Also let me back up a bit all of this started around the time I was going thru prostrate cancer treatment. Even though everything seems to be okay I had my doubts about myself which also lead to me wondering if someone else was involved. This all started at a bad time in my life. I consider myself pretty logical but I did check to see if she was using her toys which satisfied me as to knowing there was no one else. So she says she has lost her libido and they toys may just be a quick relief. I dont know but I want t to be better, we have everything else except for a great sex life. So now you know
     
  16. norton4617

    norton4617 New Member

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    I've tried all that, doesn't seem to work, we always hold hands and hug, We truly love each other and like being together but she has me stifled on the sex part. I think it is one of the most essential parts of a relationship/
     
  17. igor

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    I agree with this. How do you know what she is doing when you are not around?
     
  18. AGFUNK

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    Did this all change after your cancer treatments? Or did it start before? It probably has something to do with that.
     
  19. Benni

    Benni Member

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    I went through years of peri-menopause and menopause. I am post-menopausal now. For 12 years, I did not want to be touched - not sexually, not hugging, nothing. However, I did still get the urges occasionally and I would use my vibrator. It was fast, provided release, and no touching or emotions involved.
    A year and a half ago, my libido returned full tilt - higher than ever in my whole adult life - and sometimes seems like I can't get enough!

    You have to understand that this is due to hormonal changes and not anything she has consciously planned for. She can go to a doctor and have her hormones tested and be put on hormone replacement therapy.

    Good luck to her.
     
  20. Trond

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    Sorry to hear about your problems, and good luck!

    Not sure about that poll though......I think it would have made sense if I had seen it after having that special cake in Amsterdam.