Wife always accusing me of looking at other women

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by SDAVIS, Apr 23, 2007.

  1. SDAVIS

    SDAVIS New Member

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    Ok, I need some feedback from you guys and ladies. Married over 15 years and we have had some problems, NONE of which involved me cheating. Everywhere we go, I get accused of 'looking' at other attractive women. In past years, I was a looker and was careful, considerate but never much thought twice about it. Since I have been beaten up about it, I have made every concerted effort possible to keep my eyes off of others. I believe I am now no better or worse about it than any other guy. The problem is she watches me constantly. If I look up from the dinner table in a rest., she turns to see what(who) I am looking at. If anyone walks by, it is assumed I am guilty, evening ruined immediatley, end of story. At most, I am a people watcher, studier of the general public. I notice goofy guys or strange dressed people too, as well as little kids that remind me of our kids when they were younger. Doesn't matter, it's assumed I was scoping out a woman.
    What do you all think of this? I have NEVER cheated(she HAS), so what gives? Do I have to leave her to get a peaceful dinner out again? How can she really care about me when she drags us into this all the time and ruins nights, weekends, etc.? Any thoughts?
     
  2. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    just one thought ( no offence intended here ) but perhaps if you are out with her for an evening then maybe just keeping your eyes on your food or on her would be best, especialy if she dislikes you looking at every passing person, you are meant to be out with her not the genral public :)
     
  3. Bella

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    It sounds like she has some insecurity issues! :(
    ~Bella
     
  4. SDAVIS

    SDAVIS New Member

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  5. Brad

    Brad New Member

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    Sdavis

    I think Bella hit the nail on the head.

    Similarly to yourself my wife and I have been married for 15 years.

    I still enjoy looking at other attractive women and my wife is fine with that, as she knows I am for her only.

    I am fine with her noticing a fit looking bloke also and will have a laugh about it with her.

    Neither of us have cheated.

    I do wonder whether your wife, having cheated, hasn’t come to terms with her actions. Whether she feels that you might also cheat if opportunity presented itself.

    I think some serious discussion is needed to get to the heart of her concerns.
     
  6. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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  7. SDAVIS

    SDAVIS New Member

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  8. Brad

    Brad New Member

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    I have to add:

    If your situation is so constrictive that you feel you will get bollocked if you so much as glance around, well that in my mind is a recipe for disaster.

    No way could I handle jealousy of that degree as it is so very destructive.

    How on earth would she react if at a family wedding with hugs & kisses with the guests in a genuine and platonic way?

    Row after Row springs to mind.

    Perhaps as this post develops, you should show her the threads and let that be an opening for further discussion.
     
  9. johnnyangel694u

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    You Are Screwed!!!!!:lol

    Was she like that before she cheated? She maybe holding the guilt of what she did and anticipating you doing it to her. Did you resolve the cheating issue? Communication is the key but if you have anything like I do at home, she doesn't want to listen and life continues in hell.
     
  10. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    Or perhaps counciling for her to help her deal wit hthe guilt or problems she is going through from the cheating and maybe a counciling session for the both of you as well....

    Sadly we all deal wit hthings in different ways, but not always a good way .

    If i was in your place i would try to seek some professional help wit hthe relationship before things get even worse... :)
     
  11. SexyScorp

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    Because she doesnt trust herself...

    She is projecting her trust issues onto you.....have seen
    this happen lots of times before...

    I think its known as double standards.

    She may always be this way...it is perhaps her nature....

    If you tell her you refuse to go out with her if she acts this
    way again, it might force her to look at her behaviour....

    I dont envy you man!!!
     
  12. NaughtyKnickers

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    One night would be a great temporary relief, but the source of the problem seems to be her insecurity and guilt issues. :ugh
    If it's as deep as it sounds she will probably find some detail in your behavior that is sub par regardless of how hard you try. Jealously, guilt and insecurity just don't allow for reasonable compromises. Is counseling a viable option?
    It sounds as though some of this runs pretty deep. :( Best wishes, I hope you can work things out.
     
  13. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    Yep that is why i said about counsiling..
    But it also can not hurt to try and help in small ways as well...if you make her feel like she is the only other person in a crowded resturant or where ever you are for the evening ( imo) it cant hurt
    Another way is to just take her out where it will just be you and her, somewhere romantic....just a candle lit dinner for two.

    I know she is the one that cheated and it does seem she has guilt issues , the counciling and you paying her more attensions together i would think could be a good thing. ( but i have never been married before ) so i am only basing things on how i have been in my relationships)
     
  14. cbrmale

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    Your wife has some problems here. All men flirt, I flirt and women respond and my wife notices and then she jokes about it. I sometimes recommend counselling, in this case not. You should talk it through with your wife, and maybe point out that men often flirt, it is the way we are. Sometimes middle-aged men who flirt find younger (thirty-something) women responding. In my case my wife is proud that she is married to a man who other women find attractive.

    Flirting is harmless, because you don't have sex with the women you share glances with, you have sex with the woman who is the love of your life.
     
  15. loveit247

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    I would actually just kick her arse if I were you. Please! For her to be that jealous is just not on! Just tell her you refuse to go anywhere with her until she pulls herself together!
     
  16. SDAVIS

    SDAVIS New Member

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    All of you have some great input and thanks for sharing it! I'm not ready to give up over something so silly. I don't think she will do couselling because we have discussed it, but that may change. We will soon be taking a long trip, just the 2 of us and we will have a chance to see things get better (or possibly worse). I am comfortable that my behavior is within acceptable boundaries and if she left tomorrow, I would feel like I am currently the best I can be. I still believe this is mostly about trying to bring me to the level of guilt that she has and trying to justify in her head doing what she did because I am so bad.......Hard as it is, I am not ready to give up.
     
  17. Rupture

    Rupture New Member

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    I think naughty hit it on the head...her emotions seem driven by her own ghosts. We, as men, are visual people and when we see something that catches our eye we look...even it we dont want to....not that i dont like to look! :) but non the less...she seems driven by her own indescretions, weaknesses and fears. next time she starts yappin perhaps putting something in her mouth would do the trick!
     
  18. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    In my experience, individuals who cheat and feel bad about it tend to develop guilt complexes/neuroses that manifest themselves as feelings of mistrust. People who have committed breeches of trust begin looking for signs of similar behavior in their loved ones. In a way they almost want their SO to cheat on them out of a desire for both punishment for their wrongdoing, and justification. "He cheated on me too...the bastard. Now I don't feel so bad about cheating on him."

    In a way it's meant to bring the relationship back into balance and it makes it all okay.

    However, you don't have to play her game. Tell her, "Look, I know you feel bad about cheating on me and you think I'm going to do the same thing to you, but I'm not like you. You're just going to learn to live with it and to trust me."

    And if she can't, well that's the end of the relationship.
     
    #18 Puss_in_boots, Apr 24, 2007
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2007
  19. Dreama

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    You need to talk to her, or seek counseling with her. This is not healthy behaviour. You shouldn't have to pay for her insecurities. Let her know that you love her and think that she is beautiful, and that's all you can do.
     
  20. SDAVIS

    SDAVIS New Member

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    I think you nailed it; that is exactly what I have been thinking. I'm not going to allow myself to be pulled into such games. I'll just stay the course and hopefully, it will all fade away. Otherwise, there will be no relationship.
     
    #20 SDAVIS, Apr 24, 2007
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 24, 2007