Why would a man want to masturbate when he can have the real thing?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by whynotme, Sep 27, 2007.

  1. whynotme

    whynotme New Member

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    For the past several months my husband (14 years) has been jacking off. He has always been able to take or leave sex, never seemed important to him. We have sex maybe once a month and usually it is with us on our sides, with my back to him (this is the position he prefers lately), anyway, lately he has been masturbating EVERY time he is home alone. I suspected this and have my ways (yes, I am sneaky and conniving), but I know FOR SURE this has been going on for several months. I knew he had done this Tuesday evening so I wanted to see if he would still have sex so, I just got all sexy for bed and we started fooling around. I was giving him a blowjob in the position that he loves, (he cums very quickly this way), but he suddenly stopped and said it didnt feel right, his knees hurt, blah blah blah. So he decided to just do the "regular" sex and 2 minutes into that, he gave up and went limp. He did finish me, but what puzzles me is he knows that I will do try anything sexual. I take him all the way with a blow job, we have had anal sex, but lately ZIP. He says he is tired or some excuse, but it doesnt stop him from jacking off every chance he has to be alone. The past several months he has also started making comments about women (not to me, but they have gotten back to me), about being hot and the like. I have asked him about it and caught him in a lie. The thing is - he knows it would be a turnon for me to watch him masturbate, I would masturbate for him, etc... but he just denies making the comments and also about jacking off. I have been angry, tried talking nice, even letting him know that this is bothering me, hurting my self-esteem and all he does is lie and say it isnt happening, but I KNOW FOR A FACT IT IS!!! Any thoughts?
     
  2. heelfetish

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    I'm not there with you both, but from what you describe it seems there is an outside influence that is dampening your husband's sexual desires. Just because he's masturbating doesn't mean that he's wanting sex. Accusing him or spying on him isn't going to make things better either. :(

    It seems though that you are trying to talk with him about this, and that's really the advice I'd give. Try to keep the communication open. If it does not improve, perhaps couple's therapy is in order. But IMO there is something going on that's diminishing your husband's sexual appetite. Weather it's self esteem, ED, stress, mid-life crisis, etc. It's important to stay close and not give up. Be as supportive as you can. I know it must be hard, but keep at it. Perhaps a romantic getaway might spice things up a bit. :)

    Good luck to you!
     
  3. Dreama

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    I hope things are alright...I don't want to scare you, but do you think he might be having outside affairs? Or maybe he has a psychological problem that needs to be dealt with. He needs to understand that being honest with you is the only way to go, because it's really hurting you.
     
  4. LPjammin

    LPjammin New Member

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    Ok...

    ...you're pretty darn smart. For a young person. :lol :hug:

    That's a real good point to consider.


    Moving on. whynotme, give what Dreama said some thought. Past that, how the hell do you KNOW he's jacking? Somethings up. I doubt an affair, at least not a sexual one because he'd be saving up for her, not to put too fine a point on it.

    Perhaps the fact that sex was never a big deal with him is just part and parcel?
     
  5. Bluesy

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    The title isn't actually that relevant to the subject...even in the best of relationships, people continue to get themselves off. If one partner prefers masturbation to sex, well, then you've got a problem. I say it's time for a confrontation, and if that doesn't work, marriage counseling.

    Best of luck, and let us know how things go!
     
  6. whynotme

    whynotme New Member

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    Thanks for the advice. I just have ways that I KNOW he is jacking off and he does this EVERY chance he gets when he is home alone. I know he has shown an increased amount of interest in other women or maybe he is just now being more vocal about it. (Mind you, he never says things in front of me).
     
  7. johnnyangel694u

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    There may be some embarrassment involved. His sex drive my be changing and he finds it more convenient to take things in his own hands instead of bothering you. He also may find it more satisfying or maybe I should say different, thinking of someone or something else while masturbating. I may be reading it wrong but I don't confrontation is the way to communicate about it. It is probably embarrassing to him. I think I would probably lie if my wife confronted me about masturbating. May I ask who dictates the once a month sex?
     
  8. whynotme

    whynotme New Member

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    He does the dictating I guess you would say as I would do it every night at least once if he would. He just seems to prefer jacking off to having sex with me. Nothing in our relationship has really changed. In fact, our 2 oldest boys are out of the house now, so we are home alone a lot since our youngest is at that busy "social" stage. Used to, when we could be alone, it would be in the living room, bathroom, where ever we wanted and the mood hit. Now he acts like it is a duty to have sex with me, that he is just humoring me because he knows I want it. What gets me is he knows I will try ANYTHING, but that doesnt matter. He would rather jack off.
     
  9. whynotme

    whynotme New Member

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    Should I mention that he was a virgin when we met and has never had sex with anyone else?
     
  10. dwj21

    dwj21 New Member

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    that could be a problem, every guy needs a certain amount of strange in life.
     
  11. johnnyangel694u

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    DAMN!!!!!!!!!!! Will you marry me???????????:lol
    Usually it is the woman that loses her sex drive and the man suffers.:uhh:
    Fourteens years of marriage. Maybe it is the second round of 7 year itch.:ugh
     
    #11 johnnyangel694u, Sep 27, 2007
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2007
  12. whynotme

    whynotme New Member

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    I wont marry you but maybe we could meet up for some wild sex between the sheets or on the floor or where ever.... Seriously though, that may be it. He just has never felt, touched or experienced anything sexual with anyone else.
     
  13. Bluesy

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    Weeelllllll, I'm going to have to say number of sex partners is immaterial...If you truly connect with someone, you don't need to experience other people to have an amazing sex life. A lousy sex life is more often the result of relationship issues: people drift apart, they fall out of love, they take each other for granted, etc. Besides, Americans have the worst sex lives according to a new survey, and the highest number of sex partners.

    Are you absolutely certain that nothing remarkable happened right before things changed in your sex life?
     
  14. whynotme

    whynotme New Member

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    I cant think of anything other than that.
     
  15. Nettle

    Nettle Member

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    Does he have problems getting an erection? Could he be afraid of failure?
     
  16. Bluesy

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    As Nettle has said, are you sure he isn't having erectile issues? I've heard of guys experiencing so much shame surrounding their ED that they stop having sex with their wives; they feel emasculated and are afraid of disappointing their spouse (how's that for irony?).

    I'm just tossing theories out there...The two of you didn't have any sort of blow-out that might've caused lingering resentment on his part? You haven't gained a lot of weight? (I don't mean to seem tactless, but some people do have a lot of trouble finding their partner attractive if their weight is altered too drastically.)

    He hasn't started acting differently in any other ways?
     
  17. whynotme

    whynotme New Member

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    No problems getting an erection although at one time he had a hard time keeping one. That was probably at the beginning of this year. I know we only had sex like 3 times the first couple months of the new year.
     
  18. Bluesy

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    Well, the person who can best answer this question is your husband. If you sat him down and told him that you wanted to know what was going on, and that it didn't matter what the truth was, you wanted to hear it regardless of how hurtful it may be, he might feel compelled to confide in you. If not, I really would not hesitate to schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor. How much longer can you go on like this? Something's up, and you aren't getting your needs met...I think it's either going to end in heartbreak or a counselor's office, and better to take things in hand before they get out of it. Just MHO, of course.
     
  19. NaughtyKnickers

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    Wow, what a situation. :ugh

    It seems as Bluesy said, the only way to change the course of things is to talk to him about it, but hopefully you can tread lightly,.. because like johnnyangel said, he could really be embarrassed by being confronted with it. (I'd be embarrassed as hell if I were him!)

    Best of luck with this,.. keep us posted.
     
  20. whynotme

    whynotme New Member

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    I am going to give it one more shot before I deem it to be over. I have shaved my legs, taken a bath, then conditioned my hair, then took a shower, lotioned up, smell all pretty and look pretty damn hot if I say so myself, fixed my hair like he likes and have on a little white nightie and have been playing that new Kid Rock song So Hotttt all night, that and Paralyzer by Finger Eleven... hmmm, did I forget anything? I even have on eye makeup and lipstick, I am really tan so I dont use any other makeup. If he doesnt sit up and at least take NOTICE of me tonight, I am done...... He would never agree to counseling so that would be out......