Why Women Don't Initiate Sex More Often

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by pbs, Oct 14, 2011.

  1. pbs

    pbs
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    There have been several threads asking why women don't initiate sex more often, frequently causing their mates some frustration. Having lived a fairly long life, studied evolution in school, and studied female sexuality as a hobby most of my life, I'd like to offer one explanation.

    Most guys will agree that they are pretty much ready to go at the drop of a hat, but women are not - we are hard wired differently. What most women I've known need that most men don't, is foreplay. Without it, they have little interest in sex - it's kind of like a guy wanting to eat even though he's not hungry. Her appetite needs to be stimulated before she even starts to think about sex. So it's not surprising that, without foreplay, most women are not thinking about sex, let alone initiating it. I've also learned that, no matter how close we are or how long we've been together, it's not reasonable to expect our mates to be able to read our minds.

    One man's opinion, FWIW.
     
  2. Trond

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    Sounds about correct to me, for MOST couples at least. There are a lot of different sorts of libidos out there, but yes men are easier to turn on and apparently have less second thoughts about having sex, and this fact hardly surprises any biologists.*





    *To be fair, biology also sometimes falls a bit short: I have yet to hear a good hypothesis on why there are so many homosexuals, and apparently in a rather constant numbers (although biology correctly predicts more heterosexuals, the number of homosexuals is a bit puzzling). Could be some biological trade-off, but I digress.
     
  3. nyxx

    nyxx New Member

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    never heard the man being hungry analogy. i've heard others that are pretty good too. to me, a girl needs foreplay to get into sex but thats not really the reason why she might want it. there are plenty of reasons why a woman might initiate, men just don't know how to trigger them. then theres that one moment where we get lucky and we ponder how to recreate it, lol.
     
  4. pbs

    pbs
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    Not to change the subject, but homosexuality is an anomaly that is not specific to humans - many animals exhibit this behavior, including fish, which was my specialty. One of the things I find curious is why there aren't more same sex human relationships than there are, because, if you think about it, men have much more in common with other men, and the same for women.
     
  5. sarad

    sarad New Member

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    I don't know about other women, but I initiate sex quite frequently. While you have a valid point about women needing foreplay more than men to get into it most of the time, I have trouble with the bit about women not thinking about sex. Maybe it's because I don't live with my partner, but whenever I'm around him I find myself thinking about it quite often. :)

    I like to give him smoldering looks, or touch his leg in a certain way. Sometimes I am much less subtle. All in all, I think we are pretty equal in initiating. More fun that way.
     
  6. hubbywubby

    hubbywubby New Member

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    Sarad stay that way.... Thats every mans dream. Is your boyfriend really hot.. Maybe that has something to do with it... Even if your were not blessed with the best you can certainly clean up smell nice shower shave... Or what ever you thing.. My wife kisses me more with passion right after I shave. So I take my shower at night , shave and am fresh and clean when I get in bed.... It doesn't always work but I'm sure its been the deciding decision on some nights..I get a very rough 5 O'Clock Shadow it hurts her if i don't shave..
     
  7. lbushwalker

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    Perhaps it's the age difference thing but frankly my SO almost always initiates sex and frequently at that, in fact at 5:30 this very morning!
    She has a very high libido and says she is constantly thinking of sex.
    Not bad for a girl who her kept her virginity until and first orgasmed at age 26; maybe she is trying to catch up for all those "lost" years :)
     
  8. sarad

    sarad New Member

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    He's really not what I would think most would consider hot. He is a touch chubby, not too bad. Fairly normal looking. A computer geek. But none of that bugs me. I love him for who he is, and he is attractive to me. :) Really nice blue eyes though. Also he is self confident and funny. I find those to be incredibly sexy attributes. We're going to spend the day together tomorrow, so I'm pretty excited about that.

    Keep shaving in that case. It is nice when a man makes an effort to look nice for his lady. Ever just talk to her about how you feel? My guy and I are very open about sex. We talk about turn ons, how we make each other feel, techniques we especially like. I think openness and the ability to communicate freely is a big factor in our success in that arena.
     
  9. Black_Magic83

    Black_Magic83 Member

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    I rarely initiate, but I am always up for it! LOL
     
  10. Essene

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    Hormonal levels and social inhibitions.

    Testosterone and estrogen are the two enacting sexual hormones produced by, respectively, male and females. Females typically produce more estrogen/progesterone than males, and visa-versa, males produce more testosterone. In most cases- testosterone ranks higher with an increase in libido while estrogen is a limbic secondary catalyst. Both sexual hormones enact within each gender. Obviously though, males have more of a sex drive on a normal basis. There are exceptions to both.

    After the physiological aspect, societal burdens on females also play a role. When shown pornographic images/shows males were both sexually stimulated and physically showed signs of liking it. When shown to groups of females, their mental and physical arousal increased, but their social response was to act appalled. Once again, there were contradictory males or females in each group.

    What Black Magic83 said is true for quite a bit of women.
     
  11. pbs

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    My point exactly. My SO and I have a standing date once a week, but if something comes up, like an anniversary or birthday, she can get in the mood many times a week, via foreplay. IMhO, it's all about making her want to be sexual. Expecting her to be that way out of the blue is just unrealistic.
     
  12. Essene

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    How long do the dates last pbs? I'd hate to stand for more than 20 minutes...
     
  13. igor

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    I think that most women want intimacy first: a desire to be felt they are loved, then if that is satisfied the sex may follow. Can't always rush into it, as much as us guys are almost always ready for sex, women are not.
     
  14. pbs

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    I don't know what you mean by "stand for 20 minutes," but our dates usually last all day. We start with foreplay, wine, relaxing, etc. and enjoy our natural surroundings for an hour or so. Then we go to bed and begin serious caressing, and because we've been together so long, we rarely take too long to get to the "good" stuff. We do a variety of genital touching, kissing, and penetrating, and I always like it when I'm able to get her seriously aroused and close to climax for an hour or so before she cums. Then when it's my turn, I like to peak myself, much like I peaked her, and when I get really close and ready to cum, sometimes I like to have her finish me off with her mouth. When she does that I can usually go back in for a second climax in her vagina, and that takes a good while. Anyone who can squeeze all that into 20 minutes is a better man than I am. I don't even get very hard for the first hour or so. I guess we're just getting old.

    I almost forgot, total time from start to finish is about 6 to 8 hours, depending on how many times we each cum.
     
    #14 pbs, Oct 15, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2011
  15. Essene

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    This is what I meant.
     
  16. hubbywubby

    hubbywubby New Member

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    Sarad like I said that great.... and I even more glad that its more of his good personality and just because you have fun and really like being with him... sounds like you have a great connection no pun intended. You have a luck man. My wife is always open to having fun but I am usually the one that leads or starts it off... If I don't I would be waiting a lot. I think she likes me making the first move. I always start of by kissing her neck. Its her week spot. I can kiss her neck and i look at her arms and i See the goosebumps come. She has told me she loves this. Its funny I always look for those goosebumps. my biggest fear is that she stops getting them . I never take things for granted, It like my barometer of love...... Anyway I think that very cool...
     
  17. CruelTease

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    I initiate sex most of the time but it's getting to be less and less with every rejection. Now that's a turn off.
     
  18. AGFUNK

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    Honestly I'm the one who initiates almost all the time. Very rarely does my husband initiate sex. I think it's just because he is tired and he has a lot to do, which is fine I don't really mind. Plus when he does initiate it gets me really hot since it's such a surprise. I love it.
     
  19. misssunshine760

    misssunshine760 New Member

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    i am Always trying to initiate sex with my man, and he just dont want to. i dont understand. im not bad looking or stinky lol. i offer to give him head to put him in the mood but no. he'll watch porn All the time and masturbate , and im lucky to get it in 3 times a month:( lol i just dont get it. i do everything he wants when we do have sex but idk i guess it aint enough.
     
  20. pbs

    pbs
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    Sadly, if he watches porn and masturbates rather than making love with you, your relationship has more problems than just sex, I think. People usually use porn and self gratification as a substitute for, or compliment to, the real thing, not the other way around.

    How does he treat you otherwise?