I seem to be making the same mistake time and again. I would really love a girl friend but I’m not hot enough. Every time I am hot enough I end up watching fetish porn and end up creepy again. I think I have more trouble getting a girl friend than some because I’m half cast and I think some people see the black and won’t bother. But it really gets me down. I will go months or years being really clean. I wont watch any porn or masturbate and the girls will be looking and smiling and I can feel my sexual integrity growing but no one ever makes gosh darned freaking move on me or excepts any advances and I just go home really horny and masturbate to some awful shit. That makes me creepy and less attractive. I know because after this people start to treat me like shit again but the truth is...I never really wanted that. I wanted a girl friend who I could have normal sex with. I just end up watching my fetish because its more fulfilling and intense....although actually the fetish orgasm is not any where near as nice as the love orgasm. It just frustrates me I can go 364 days controlling myself but if I mess up on a few I’m just a creep again. Why Lord, why And I must stress what I'm into really isn't as bad as what some people are into but still its not right from the P.O.V. that the fetish degrades so I shouldn't encourage/appreciate others doing these things.