Why hello there. My life as of recently...

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Jayce, Jul 6, 2007.

  1. Jayce

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    I'd like to share a bit of what's been going on with me lately. I think everything is figured out, however I'd just like to talk about it and get some opinions and such. BTW, this will be a very long story.

    So it all started when I met this wonderful girl. We've been dating for several months, and so far things are great. Her ex was a dick, mine was a bitch, so we're coming from two similar backgrounds where we both put everything we had into our previous relationship and it failed. Anyways, so things are great. Well, then she lost her job because they closed down. She lives at home, however she has bills like anybody else. So she frantically started looking for a new job. But to both of our surprise, she's having an insanely difficult time finding a job. She's seriously applied at at LEAST 50 places. She's sent resumes on monster.com, emailed resumes to places in the newspaper, she's done all kinds of stuff she could think of. So anyway, I started to notice that she became more distant from me. The hugs grew cold, the kisses were less and less often, and sure enough the I love you's stopped. I was concerned, no doubt, but I also know she's been depressed due to her lack of job lately... her bills keep stacking up and her parents are pissed at her and on the verge of kicking her out of the house.

    So anyway, I've done everything I could to support her. I've been there for her, said everything I could think of, done everything in my power to make her feel good and make her feel loved, yet when it comes down to it, when I'm on her porch saying good night, I barely get a kiss. BARELY. I barely get a hug too. So anyway, then one day she talks to me and says she ran into her ex... not the recent one, but one from about 2 years ago. They only dated for 2 months, but nonetheless she ran into him and they started talking again. I asked her about it once, and she said that she just likes rehashing all of the dirt that they have on people. You know, who broke up with who, who's dating who, who's married already, stuff like that. She said he was just a buddy and I was like, okay fine. Whatever. After all, they dated for 2 months back when she was 17. So I just excused it.

    We'll come back to that ex in a few minutes... Moving along, 4th of July rolls around. She was in a bad mood all day. ALL day. I tried hugging her a few times and got nothing back. I kissed her a few times on the cheek and she just sat there with a cold stare into the distance. So I was like okay fine, and ignored it. I tried enjoying myself anyway. Later that night, I went home kind of disgusted. So I didn't really talk to her when I got online. Well, she started talking to me soon enough. After a few short words were exchanged, she began to realize something was bothering me. Before I knew it, we were arguing again. I said whoa whoa, I'm not arguing tonight sweetie. I said I've had enough of this shit, and I'm going to enjoy this evening. Then we started talking about our relationship, because I flat out told her it feels like we're friends. She agreed. I said well what's up with it? I said I try all the time to hug you, to kiss you, I tell you I love you all the time, yet you have no interest in it whatsoever. She's like well I don't know, I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know how to change it, if I knew I'd change it.

    Then her best friend gets on, who's also talking to her about the same shit. This helped me out, because her friend and I both told her that she's just fallen into a minor depression due to her unemployment. She said yeah, I bet that's it. She said I just feel awful, I have bills due, no money, no job, I'm trying my hardest yet I'm not getting anywhere. She said I just feel pathetic, like I'm worthless. She said all I want to do is get a job and get these bills paid and move on. As we continued talking, her best friend told me that at the mall the other day that her ex was texting my gf. She said it wasn't every 10 seconds a text was received, however there seemed to be more texting going on than should of typically been. I took this chance to confront her, and I said so, is this about your ex? She said oh hell no. I said well, it seems like you enjoy talking to him, and it seems like you're bored of me. What am I supposed to think?

    She said I really don't even enjoy talking to him. She said we just haven't talked in two years and it's interesting to hear what everybody else has been up to. (aka, she likes getting the "dirt" from him). She said ya know, fuck it, I won't even talk to him anymore. I certainly didn't object, and said okay fine, whatever. To my knowledge up until now, she hasn't talked to him. She knows how I feel about him, so I hope she respects that. I mean, after all he's an ex boyfriend, and both me and her best friend both think that there's just a line you don't cross, and my girlfriend realizes that. I know she's not stupid. But it's still something I brought up with her.

    Anyway, I mentioned to her that maybe we need to split. I said you no doubt need some time to yourself to get your shit together. I said and I want your opinion. Do you think we should part ways and do our own thing, or do you think you just want a few days to yourself, you want us to stay together, and see what happens? It was now that she got really emotional, cause she realized I wasn't playing around. She said I'd hate myself if I lost you. I'm just putting everything I've got into finding a job. It's all I need right now, is some sort of income. She said I don't want to lose you, but I think I need a bit of time to focus on getting a job. I said that's fine. But do you want to part ways, or do you want to stick it out and see what happens? She said well I feel so bad I put you through this.

    It turns out, she tried preventing this. How? By bottling it up, keeping it out of our relationship. She figured by her bottling it up it wouldn't be a problem in our relationship. Here's the kicker... it brought her down SO MUCH by her keeping it to herself, that it brought her down, which in turn brought me down, brought her friends down, etc. So when her friend and I confronted her at the same time (though, separately) she realized that she had been hurting those around her who love her. She apologized, said she was sorry, said she loves me, and said that she'd hate herself if she lost me.

    So I said okay fine, take a few days to yourself and see where we end up. Then she said it. I love you. First time in a while I heard that. I think this falls back on the "don't know what you got till it's gone" thing... where she realized how close I was to moving on without her, that she realized exactly how meaningful I was. I expected her to be completely distant from me, however she's been trying to find little excuses to talk to me. I obviously talk to her, I'm nice to her, I support her, I mean geez... I love her! But I try my best to be somewhat firm on where I stand, by making sure she gets the space and time she needs (at least what I think she needs).

    So anyway, what do you guys think? I guess it sounds like we got it ironed out, but at the same time I'm not sure. I'm not putting all of my hope into this, but I am somewhat convinced that she realized that there was a problem, took responsibility for her actions, apologized, and is moving forward to fix it. Just give me some thoughts, questions, opinions, concerns, etc. I just love this girl and I hope and pray everything pulls through.


    P.S. - she has an interview monday. :)
     
  2. liquidshells

    liquidshells New Member

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    Sounds like a classic case of you losing your individual value when you became a couple.

    There's a reason "nice guys" don't get the women. It's because you'll conform to what a woman wants EVEN IF it means sacrificing what you want. GIRLS DONT WANT THINGS THAT BECOME ROUTINE. If you don't tell her "no" every once in awhile, she's not going to appreciate the "yes"s and "i love you"s.

    You should ONLY... I repeat... ONLY!! ever do what someone else wants you to do under TWO conditions to retain value and stay happy with yourself.

    1) If you TRULY feel that THIS PERSON is worth the extra effort they are asking of you. If doing something FOR THIS PERSON will MAKE YOU HAPPY because they are WORTH your time.

    2) It gives YOU satisfaction. Be selfish. If it MAKES YOU HAPPY, then DO it.


    Otherwise, you should NOT go out of your way to help other people. Why do I help people? Because it gives me satisfaction. And you know what? Both parties leave the exchange feeling fullfilled and my girls stay excited in the relationship. Thats why women love badboys, theyre unpredictable.

    Good luck with your situation my man. I hope I helped.
     
  3. Jayce

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    That's kind of who I am. I'm one of those guys who, in my opinion, is a blend of both worlds. Sure, I like to party. I like to be fuckin insane and do crazy shit. In fact that's how she introduces me, as her crazy boyfriend. However, I also like to treat my significant other like a queen at the same time. When she's upset, I'm there with her. When she's happy, then I'm just insane. See what I mean?

    I guess I just need some insight on how I handled things I guess. Maybe some of the ladies of the board could tune in and speak on her part too. I think most of it is ironed out, however I just want some insight...
     
  4. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Hi, Jayce. Nice to see you around again. :)

    This happened around July 4th - - it's now July 7th. I'm not sure you can gauge the results after such a short time. I know it probably feels like it's been FOREVER since you made this resolve, and since she 'realized she may be losing you'. But from what I can see, you need to give it more time.

    In reference to liquidshell's advice, I agree to a certain point. I believe you need to stay focused on what you need in a relationship. If not, you will begin to feel trapped in someone else's life. Losing your individualism in any situation causes you to lose your appeal.

    The reason she was attracted to you in the first place was because of who you are/were. If you lose sight of that, and conform to her likeness.... you become boring, to put it bluntly.

    Probably the best way for you to remain "Jayce", is to keep up with your outside interests - separate from your love life. Make sure you hang with your other friends. Talk about & do things that have nothing to do with the girlfriend. This will strengthen your character and personality, and also give you an emotional break from thoughts that keep popping up in your head.

    You DO NOT have to turn into a "bad boy". That's a rather immature way of dealing with the situation. If you did that, you would still be taking on a false identity, then trying to keep up with it. Be true to yourself, recognize areas that you want to better youself, and spend emotional energies working on these things. Not for the girlfriend - but for YOU! :)
     
  5. liquidshells

    liquidshells New Member

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    Great post Rose; but I think you misunderstood me. I dont think he SHOULD turn into a ''badboy'', I was merely outlining the reasons women tend to stray towards the classic "badboy" persona, and how it relates to his situation.
     
  6. Jayce

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    Rose, I understand. You're right, it is only the 7th and it's not enough time to firmly say yes, everything is okay. But the point I was trying to get across is when her and I talked, she sounded different this time around, like she realized "oh... shit..." You know what I mean? Which made me to believe, okay cool, she gets the hint now, and she's taking it seriously.

    And I do hang out with my other friends, pretty often in fact. Once a week me and a bunch of guys get together. Eat pizza, drink beer, play video games. Every week, same day, never fails. On top of that, I normally see other buddies off and on throughout the week too. So me having a love life + social life certainly isn't a problem. I can handle both. ;)

    I just wanted some insight from others as to whether or not it sounds like we're on the right path and/or any suggestions to what I can do to help move this along.
     
  7. jaguar

    jaguar New Member

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    It sounds like you are heading down the right path and talking talking talking with each other is the key! I find the other post mentioning the "bad boy" thing reminds me of my own little story i will share. I am very giving person and just one of those "nice guys" funny to be around bla bla bla! I text several people I work with during work, mainly 3 women (3 office girls) that text back also all in joking/harrasing each other! One girl is down right dirty that I treat nicely never crossing the line. Another girl texts nice things and I'm the dirty one never crossing the line, haha. Then the 3rd girl I just started texting I have treated like shit. Now get this! This girl I treat like shit putting her down, making fun of her abilities, etc. texts me. If you bring me something to drink (dieing here) I will kiss you. hummm, so I took her something to drink and she planted a huge kiss like 5 sec. on the lips! What is up with that! I must be a "Bad Boy"! LOL! I really don't get why women are drawn to this abuse? haha
     
  8. bi-girl-london

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    hey jayce.

    sounds like you did the right thing. i agree with both what rose and liquidshells have said. it's not the 'bad' that girls are attracted to. it's knowing that after weeks, months and years your partner can still surprise you, make you feels nervous/shy around them, flirt like you've just met and so on.

    my boy is going through the same shit looking for jobs at the moment and somedays will be feeling real low because of it. the best thing is to talk about it and be supportive but you don't need to sacrifice your individuality for it. sometimes grand gestures will work. sometimes a cup of tea at the right time and a little joke will open everything up.

    hope things work out for you.
    x
     
  9. goofball123

    goofball123 New Member

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    Well just by seeing the last line, (P.S she has an interview on monday) Im pretty sure things will start getting better. I know first hand that whole depression thing, i was in nearly the exact same situation she was in about a year ago. The thing is, once you get something good going again (for her the interview), it helps soooo much trying to dig yourself out of the hole your in. So just continue to support her in every way you can, the best thing you can do is what you were describing, hug her, help her with the small things (they may be small things but sometimes they can add up and really get at you if you let them), and most importantly, do not expect anything in return. I don't mean this in a heartless way, i just mean that when your going through a hard time it can be difficult to see the effect you have on other people.

    And don't you worry, if she's half the girl you describe she'll realize how much you've helped her and return the favour some day. And if she doesn't, you can at least have the satisfaction of helping someone you really care about.
     
  10. Jayce

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    goofball - well, maybe I'm guilty of this, but maybe not. I do expect something in return. All I expect in return is that when I hug her, she doesn't just give me a cold shoulder. When I kiss her good night, that she puts a little oomphf into it. Ya know? The hugs and kisses were just so sparce and so cold that it seemed like we were friends, which is where I hit my breaking point.

    On top of that, a very wise woman once told me that no matter how upset you are, no matter how mad you are, no matter how enraged you are, always tell the people you love that you indeed love them. Why? Because the one day you don't is the one day it creates a scar that'll remain for a very, very long time. And being that I agree with this 100%, and judging from the fact that the I love you's in the relationship came to a grinding halt, that was another thing that just kicked me in the nuts to say something. Which... is when we got into a minor argument, I spoke my side, she kinda woke up, we talked, she said she loved me, and here we are.

    *shrug*
     
  11. msduncan

    msduncan Active Member

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    Unfortunately I've seen this before, and sometimes it comes right down to you leaving and letting her stew in it for a few days.

    If her behavior falls back into patter after a couple days as I suspect. Very professionally but firmly break up with her and don't call her or return her calls for 48 hours. Then take one of her calls and I guarantee there will be no other ex in the way, and she'll shape up. If the shape up is THEN even temporary.... then you have your answer.

    Life is too short to waste on a relationship where you don't get loved in return. F that noise if you know what I mean. Move on and enjoy the short number of years we have on this planet by finding someone that loves you back and rocks your world.

    To me no physical contact is a big freakin deal breaker, and worse yet if she talks to ex's. Screw that.
     
  12. Jayce

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    Yeah, I agree. It wasn't so much that the guy was an ex... because when you think about it, they dated for 2 months over 2 years ago, and since then they haven't spoken at all. She said their conversations only consisted of talk about people that they used to hang out with back in high school with their little group of friends. It didn't bother me that she talked to him. It just bothered me that I tried so hard to make her happy and she seemed blah, whereas she seemed to have fun rehashing old times with him. THATS what got me. But she hasn't talked to him for quite a while to my knowledge.

    But yeah, the no physical contact is just a big crock of shit. But I'm just giving her space and time. Granted, we still send a few text messages back and forth, a few IMs here and there, but we haven't talked for 2 days now, and I don't see us talking anymore than this until at least tuesday-ish. But we'll see what happens... I know the girl loves me. I think she just had a poor way of showing me while she was dealing with the 'minor depression' of being unemployed. *shrug*
     
  13. Joe

    Joe
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    When people are having a tough time at work or, even worse, when they can't find a job, they do get depressed, and when that happens it affects their whole life and all their relationships.

    My wife seems to have a 2-year-span on jobs. She gets pissed at management and quits on the spur of the moment, then gets depressed because she's out of work for awhile. And she HATES job hunting. Her self-esteem is never real high anyway, and if she's not getting job offers, it plummets. Soon, I think, she feels like she's got nothing to give. I've been through it enough now to know that it's depression and will change shortly. And I know that, even though she's not the best partner at these times, it's when she needs my support the most.

    Give her all the support you can muster right now. Having your little discussion was probably a good thing -- she should know that her depression is affecting others -- but you need to understand that she's not in control of it and how it affects her. Try to make it easier for her, and don't add to the pressure that she's already feeling.

    She'll find a new job soon, and if things don't change then, that's the time for questions. I know you'll do the right thing. Good luck to both of you.
     
  14. goofball123

    goofball123 New Member

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    Jayce, i know what ya mean, and i didn't mean to imply that your some selfish bastard or anything like that lol, its human nature to want something in return eventually. I just meant to say that, when people go through tough times it can be hard to do anything but think of your own problems and how bad things are going. So, not intentionally, whilst trying to pull herself together, she can sometimes forget how little things like that (hugging, kissing goodnight, helping with around the house stuff, etc) can make her feel much better if she just allows herself to put the oomphf into it and enjoy the moment.

    So all im saying basically is to comfort her, support her, help her in any way you can, and ill bet a million dollars that once she gets a job, she'll realize how much you've helped and you'll get that something in return that you've been patiently waiting for. And i can't speak for anyone but myself here, but to me, when i help someone through a tough time, waited it out, been through hell to do it, and when they finally realize what I and/or others have done to help, i feel like superman when they return the favor, even if its just a simple thanks.

    Hope that made sense lol, im generally not that good at expressing myself through words, at least it seems that way :p
     
  15. Bluesy

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    Seconding what Joe and Goofball have said :tup Depression can completely alter someone's personality, make them self-absorbed and withdrawn. Don't take it personally, babe, but do let her know when her behavior hurts you. It's Ok to express these things, but it's also important to lower your expectations when someone's going through such a hard time. If you can be supportive and loving through it, it will help her (and, consequently, your relationship) tremendously.
     
  16. Jayce

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    Thanks for all of the advice. Now I'm a little unsure of what to do next, so maybe you folks can help me out. I figured I'd let her go for a couple days, ya know, till the middle of the week or so. I'm thinking maybe a nice semi-dressed-up dinner out to her favorite restaurant would be a nice touch.

    Until then, I'm trying my hardest not to do too much. After all, we both thought we should take a few days to ourselves so even though I'm getting some text messages from her from time to time, I'm trying my best to refrain from getting lovey dovey and telling her how much I miss her, etc.... but in a few moments I may send a text her way telling her I love her. Hmm... Thoughts?
     
  17. Joe

    Joe
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    IMHO, honesty is almost always the best policy. I don't like the "playing it cool" games.

    On the other hand, if you both agreed you should cool it for a few days, maybe just setting up a date for mid-week would be a good compromise. If you called her, rather than text messaging, you might get a better feel for how she's thinking and run with it.
     
  18. Barbwire

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    Listen to Joe, he's almost god-like. :D
     
  19. Joe

    Joe
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    Almost???????????????????????!!!!


    Naw, saintly maybe, not godly.;)
     
  20. Jayce

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    No more advice needed, although I thank those who took the time to respond to this thread.

    Reason: I'm currently single.