Why doesnt my Boyfriend not want sex now?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Jessicaj87, Apr 4, 2014.

  1. Jessicaj87

    Jessicaj87 New Member

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    OK so we had a up and down relationship, however it is alot better now..Ill start and say when we started dating, we had sex often and was good, but then I got pregnant , and the sex went down, because He is a drinker , and me being sober, didnt want to as much when he was drunk, who wants to have sex when someone is drunk often lol....so we didnt have sex often, well then we started to have more sex, but before I rejected so many times, cus we were fighting alot , and I just wasnt in the mood or I was too tired..he use to want to have sex with me and tried alot...I declined, but now he doesnt try at all! I try to start it, but he will say he is too tired ( he does work hard and I know he gets tired), then there was an excuse of I wasnt on the pill ( but that didnt stop him before), but I am on it now...we did have sex last night, but I am afraid is he seeing someone? is he not attracted to me? He has said a few times, " Oh I am just not use to getting it anymore"..what does that mean?Should I just keep trying to motivate the sex? What do you guys think? thanks
     
  2. pb_j

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    I am kind of the same way. The more I have sex the more i want sex. If I'm not having sex that often I can go weeks without really wanting it that much. I know it sounds strange but that's how I am. He may be the same way.
     
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  3. AGFUNK

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    He probably got use to masturbating and going without because you kept rejecting him. I'm sure he had some of the same thoughts as you when he wanted sex and you would say no. Talk to him about it.
     
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  4. Amature

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    I went without sex a lot because my wife just didn't want it. A couple times a year became every couple of years and then there at the last it was almost four years (if I remember correctly). Finally, I just quit asking as I was tired of the rejection. Many men, me included, don't handle rejection well and from the sound of things, you don't either. The only advice I can give you is to sit down and have a talk with him about how you feel. If you love him, tell him. If you desire his touch, tell him. Tell him you need him emotionally as well as sexually. But only if you truthfully do. If not, or if he doesn't feel the same way, it is probably time to cut your losses and move on. Love and sex is to important to ones mental and emotional well being to go without it. Too bad I discovered this at 52 years of age. Good luck, I hope things work out for both of you.
     
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  5. Joys

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    I am with pb_j here, I'm feeling kind of like that myself. Not that I'm seeing someone or I'm not attracted to her or I don't handle rejection (she has no rejection).

    You should try to motivate the sex but add some spice to the usual stuff
     
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  6. Anotherday

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    My wife and I went through a rough period in our marriage quite similar to what others are describing. It began with her curtailing desire to have sex. I tried and tried, after a few years of constant rejection and a sex life that consisted of once a week regularly scheduled events that felt more like she was just doing it as a chore my resentment set in fully.

    Porn and masturbation were my only outlet as I'm just not the kind to fool around. It finally got to the point that I quit speaking to her outside of what we had to talk about to run a house hold.

    Probably the biggest thing that bothered me was her excuse of "being tired" while at the same time seemingly to have plenty of energy for other endeavors.

    Things came to a head when she asked if I was seeing someone else. I told her how I longed to have her back, how I didn't understand that she could have plenty of energy for all these other endeavors and not me, how I had never stepped out but subsisted on satisfying my urges through masturbation just to stay faithful. She also vented her frustrations.

    We were both miserable and had been living in a viscous cycle.

    A few weeks later things began to change. I took heed to her frustrations and changed some of my behaviors, I took on more responsibilities, I became more decisive in our lives, we both began exercising and cleaning up our eating.

    She began taking anti depressants, and things began to change. We began talking more and more and then the flood gates opened and would just talk like old friends telling everything.

    The next thing I knew she discovered 50 Shades and our conversations often turned to things Kink. We discovered mutual fantasies and began delving into these things together. We developed a dynamic that fit us.

    It's been about three years since we changed ourselves and life is still great. We communicate well, we share responsibilities well, and the sex is wonderful and often.
     
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  7. JonJo

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    jessiaj87 - talk., talk, talk!!

    There is only so much rejection a man can take before he will stop trying.
    The male ego, despite what might be thought, is sexually a rather 'delicate thing' and it has its mental self protection mechanism.
    When this happens then two thoughts can take over, dependant on the type of man he is; either "it's her fault, I can't be bothered with trying any more", or "its my fault, she doesn't want me any more, so I'd better leave her alone".
    Both these can/will lead to a cessation of trying, with many excuses being given - but not necessarily looking for 'it' somewhere else.
    If he has changed his ways, as seems to be the case with you wanting sex more now, then talk to him and explain honestly but non-accusatory why you rejected him and how you now want your relationship back.
    There is, as I know personally, the case where if a man isn't getting 'it' regularly a kind of self protection mental switch activates that tells him 'if your not getting it then you don't want/need it'; a form of self-denial.
    This doesn't mean that he won't get the natural relief he needs others ways but it will be more a physical thing than a sexual thing.
    Talk, talk, talk.
     
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  8. Joys

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    Now JonJo, those are statements for yourself. It may apply to you. How do you get those thoughts, have you faced this before?? Even so, how do you say this is it? You can just emphasize.

    You say "There is only so much rejection a man can take ", what about the amout of rejection a woman can take??

    "The male ego, despite what might be thought, is sexually a rather 'delicate thing' and it has its mental self protection mechanism." BULLSHIT" give me one scientific finding

    The last paragraph was not worth writing at all, self explanatory...
     
  9. JonJo

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    Of course they are my thoughts on the question asked - I can't give anybody else's can I.
    If we didn't post our thoughts then there would be no posts - and the last line of the original post was "what do you guys think", so I said what I thought.
    I get those thoughts because I have experienced this before, not in the same circumstances but in a 'full' life I think everybody will experience something similar - rejection that hurts and is not understood.
    I did not say "this is it", I said what I thought it might be.
    I also said several times to talk it over to find out what it really is.
    I have no idea what "you can just emphasize" means?

    No need to raise or mention the "amount of rejection a woman can take" because the question was why did we think her man was rejecting her, not about how much rejected she could take.
    Of course a woman can be rejected and wonder how much more she can take - as is obvious from other posts on the Forum BUT that wasn't the question here, the question was "why was it happening and how could she change it".

    There is no need for scientific findings (or capitalised insults) on the 'delicacy' of the male sexual ego - if you haven't experienced it, at least in some degree, in your 'journey into sexuality' then you have either been a very lucky man, have a thick skin, or are too insensitive (no insult intended, maybe just a fact of life) to have noticed it.
    There are so many examples of such a thing in this forum alone that to have asked for proof with such 'emphasis' does make me wonder.

    The last paragraph might have been self explanatory to you with your 'vast experience' but it may not have been to the questioner and was only reiterating what a highly regarded poster had also thought worth mentioning/pointing out.
     
    #9 JonJo, Apr 6, 2014
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2014
  10. JonJo

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    Just thought of a couple of example of the delicacy of the male sexual ego but could not edit.
    Basic one: You take your trousers off for the first time, you are so keen your cock is erect, she laughs, your cock deflates quicker than a popped balloon, your ego is shattered, protection mechanism kicks in, you think "bitch that was your fault". Hasten to add that that isn't from personal experience :)
    Another: You're 'at it', kid walks into bedroom, you lose it, can't get it up again, protection mechanism kicks in, you think "you little sod that was your fault"
    Scientific enough ? :):):):):):):)
     
  11. Joys

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    Nope, not scientific enough:) although I personally have experience both:eek: but never thought "bitch that was your fault" or "you little sod that was your fault"