Why does he bring out the worst in me?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by milesdavisgirl, Aug 3, 2007.

  1. milesdavisgirl

    milesdavisgirl New Member

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    Hi everyone,
    I have been having some ongoing issues with my boyfriend and myself. I hope I can find some honest and friendly advice here. First off, I know that, in general, I am quick to anger and frustration. Secondly, I know that it's not easy for me to discuss my emotions and feelings, especially to the opposite sex. Thirdly, I grew up seeing my parents fight everyday of my life and I know for a fact that they never loved one another, so I've never really known what love can be about between two partners.

    So now that you have that, I will go into my problem with my current boyfriend. He is my first serious boyfriend, and we love each other a lot. I know that he loves me more than anything else in the world (he's told me on several occasions and I know this from his actions as well), and I love him more than I've ever loved anybody else. I care about him a lot and I just want to be there for him when he's going through a hard time. In general, he's one of those "I can handle it myself" kind of guys, and when we first started dating casually, I didn't really mind since I figured it wasn't my business if he didn't want to share. But now that we're taking this relationship seriously, I am more and more frustrated by the fact that he either refuses or doesn't know how to share the good AND bad with me in this relationship. He will keep things to himself or just say he needs to be alone or he will just keep saying "It's fine, I can handle it." For example, in the past few days, he's become more and more ill. In the beginning, I told him to go see a doctor, but he refused for 3-4 days until he finally made an appointment. And today, the illness got so bad that he had to go to the hospital, before his appointment. I just think that if he had listened to me and just gone to the doctor before, maybe it wouldn't have become this bad. But that's not even the main issue. The main issue is that in the moments leading up to his going to the hospital, I was at work and offered to leave work and go with him, but he refused. And usually it's this refusal to let me be a part of his life that really gets me. And what ends up happening is that I become very angry and persistent about being involved to the point of almost being clingy, all while he is feeling sick! (And I have NEVER been a clingy person or even someone who is persistent in becoming a part of someone's life. I can usually hold my own and do my own thing, which what I used to do in these types of situations when we were casually dating, but now I feel that it's different.) And of course it makes me feel terrible to be that bitch girlfriend who won't leave her boyfriend alone when he's sick, but I just get so frustrated that he refuses to let me in!!

    He thinks he can handle everything himself, even though I've told him on several occasions that if we're in this relationship together, we have to be a team and share the good AND bad together. His pushing me away just angers and frustrates me more and more and I become this horrible person that I've never known myself to be! I say terrible things to him and make him feel even worse. This also happens when we're having an argument and he barely responds, so it angers me more and more until I start screaming at him. And of course, he will act like I have a temper problem, etc. etc., but he doesn't understand that his lack of reacting and actively trying to work with me is what brings me to this anger. I've tried telling him this on several occasions, and he just says that I can't blame my anger issues on him. And it's not that I'm blaming him, it's just that for some reason, I'm reacting towards him in a way that I've never reacted towards anybody else, and all of it is coming from total frustration of not being able to get through to him and his life.

    What is wrong with me? What should I do? Are the ways I'm reacting to him because of my own problems, or does he have a hand in them too? I just hope that someone can point in the right direction.
     
  2. Dreama

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    I think that you are having control issues. If you have mostly been an independent person, this can become an issue if you get into a relationship sometimes. I know it had been an issue for me in my relationship for a little while. You just have to let go. Perhaps you have to address the reasons why you're so angry, and why you wish to have control of his actions. If you let go, he'll be more likely to let you in. My fiance is a whole lot like the man you describe. He is an independent person, just as I am, but he does not like help from others, and only takes his own advice. When I decided that I didn't need to try to force someone to let me into their life, he opened up because I was not trying to force it.

    I hope this helps. It may not, but I hope your situations gets better. Best of luck to you.
     
  3. milesdavisgirl

    milesdavisgirl New Member

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    Hi, thanks for replying. You did help put things into perspective for me. I've never had these sort of reactions before, so it's all very new to me. But I guess judging from what has been happening, it does all come down to my having controlling issues. I know that I need to let go and let him handle his own situations, but when I'm put into that situation, I feel very rejected and shut out, like, "Why can't he just let me in and let me help him or at least be there for him?" But perhaps I just need to make a conscious effort to stop myself from being this horrible, controlling person. I hate getting angry at him because I love him so much and I do care for his best interests. It's just so hard when I'm so quick to anger and frustration, and things just slip out of my mouth when I know they shouldn't. I feel terrible about it after and always vow to stop, but when the sitaution arises again, I do it all over again!! Help!!

    Is there anything I say to him to let him know that I'm doing this to put pressure on him or to make him feel like shit? I'm just afraid if this goes on any further, either I'll get frustrated that i'm not being let in and end it, or he'll feel suffocated and end it. I don't want to break up with him.
     
  4. Dreama

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    If I were you, I would just let him know that you love him, and that you get very worried, because you feel left out. As I said, breaking away a bit is really helpful. I know this is way easier said than done. I have recently had to do exactly that, and it almost killed me. My fiance put it to me this way: If you're always there, how can he ask for help? If you always feel forced to do something, you aren't going to want to do it. Stand back a little. I'm sure he will start to open up. Give it a try.
     
  5. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

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    Dear milesdavisgirl , What you have is a young man. That is what a young man is like. Your lifetime job if you wish to take it on is to turn him into a human. I know, it's a hard job but someone has to do it. If you work hard and have a bit of luck by the time he's 50 he may put the toilet seat down. Go see a Dr when he's sick. Cry when a loved one dies and actually remember your birthday. I (I say with pride) ask directions well before the third hour of being lost. Something he will never get over is when all you want from him is to listen he will always try to fix the problem. I at my advanced age know that all a woman wants is someone to listen but my male hormones kick in and I must try to fix things. Good luck.:ugh
     
  6. Bluesy

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    I agree that it sounds like you have control issues, so this could be a wonderful opportunity for you to practice detaching (as they say in codependency recovery circles). People have to be allowed to face the consequences of their behavior...it's the only way real learning can take place. If you try to protect someone from their self-destructive impulses, it creates an unhealthy reliance on you to be the Responsible One, and he gets to be a perpetual man-child who doesn't know how to take care of his own needs (not good!). On the flip side of the coin, there has to be a reason why a person would avoid seeking medical attention...Is he depressed? Is he phobic? Either way, it's an issue that needs to be addressed if he's to function as a healthy adult. Sometimes others' issues create an unfair mental burden for their partners, like this has created for you. You may decide that you're unable to sit back and watch his health deteriorate in the future, in which case you'd be well within your rights to issue an ultimatum: Get help or I'm gone.

    It sounds like he definitely has his issues, too. He's the ultra-independent/withdrawn one, you're the overbearing caretaker...this is a fine codependent dynamic that will cause many headaches and much heartache if the two of you don't do something about your own respective baggage. I guarantee it. You might want to check out CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) and/or get yourself into counseling before the real misery begins. My best to you, hon.
     
  7. cbrmale

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    As for your boyfriend withdrawing or wanting to be alone when he has problems, this is typically what men do. Men are generally problem solvers, so when there is a problem, men want some space to solve it. If you tell a man one of your problems, he'll probably try to solve that too! For various evolutionary reasons, men and women are different, and the best relationships are when both partners know and understand these underlying differences in behaviour.

    Over time, as your boyfriend matures and gets comfortable with women, he should get closer and want to share his issues with his partner. On the other hand, I've seen men my age who still haven't made this step.
     
  8. HP2

    HP2 New Member

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    Cbrmale's on the money.

    Here's something to think about too. If he had come to you in the very begining of your relationship with his problems, would you have been attracted to him? Most men don't think that being needy is an attractive male trait. I'd bet that most women agree. Men can share without being needy. Usually that comes with age & wisdom.
     
  9. quencho092

    quencho092 New Member

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    i have problems with that. But ive learned to vent alot on my best friend, and my 'lover', about things in my life that have been hard (losing my older brother last year, etc...) and ive worked out alot of that habit.

    You cant force him to vent. The more you want to help him and insist, the more he will want to turn away and show his independence and 'manhood'. I am the same way, i make it like as if im proving a point-I CAN do it myself, I WILL do it myself, I will prove to you that i can do this myself and you will think that i am a stronger person for doing so.

    CBRmale, do you ride honda sport bikes? LOL. My bro had a CBR 1000RR.