Why do I get turned on by the thought

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by TheLubricator, May 5, 2007.

  1. TheLubricator

    TheLubricator New Member

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    Of my gf having sex with her ex-boyfriends. At the same time being turned on by this.... it also pisses me off to think of her having sex with anyone else. I am thinking of seeing a therapist, but thought I could get some free help here. I respect many of the posters on this forum. Any other men experienced these conflicting emotions.
     
  2. MikeDog

    MikeDog New Member

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    That is fairly normal thing so I would not seek professional help. There are swingers who like to see their gf or wife with someone else.
     
  3. Bluesy

    Gold Member

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    One of my greatest turn-ons is envisioning a partner going at it with someone else. However, it isn't something I'd ever want to have happen. I'm a devoted fan of monogamy :) It's perfectly normal to have fantasies you would never consider enacting in real life.
     
  4. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    yeah ...i certainly have had fantasies of females that were in my life having sex with other people....fantasies are ok to have as Bluesy and Mike say, just because you have them doesnt mean you would want them to happen...

    Nothing wrong with the thought your having..
     
  5. equinox

    equinox New Member

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    It's called cognitive dissonance. The problem isn't the nature of your thought, it's that you feel two completely contradictory feelings associated with it. In my opinion, the notion that we should get upset at the thought of our significant other being with another person is completely societal. You have to figure out for yourself -- does the thought truly upset you, or do you simply feel obligated to get upset because it's a response that society has taught you you should feel? It takes a lot of self-honesty to determine that answer. Based on the fact that you've admittedly reported the thought turns you on, I'm inclined to believe that your secondary thoughts of anger are simply a conditioned response. I was the same way at one point -- I would feel upset with my girlfriend when I heard about her past sexual experiences. Then I realized that I wasn't truly upset; it was a learned response that I had acquired without realizing it.
     
  6. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance

    Or for a more in depth look at the idea equinox is saying check the site above. theres lots and lots and lots and lots of stuff on this all over the internet...reems of it infact...its amazing what some people put up on the internet... :)
     
  7. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    Don't waste your time or money on a therapist.

    What you are experiencing is quite normal and many guys have that type of fantasy. If it is making you upset then it is a good indication that it needs to be left as a fantasy.

    Speaking from personal experience my wife had a fantasy about having a threesome with a former bf of hers. We talked about it, agreed to boundaries, and she arranged it. The threesome was a one - off and it was great. However this type of situation is quite risky from an emotional perspective and it is the reason why we agreed to do it as a one off.

    My advice is simple leave it as a fantasy and don't pursue it any further.
     
  8. TheLubricator

    TheLubricator New Member

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    Sometimes I think of myself as one of her lovers when I'm behind her pumping her hard. It get's me going and brings me to orgasm. I have never mentioned this to her and never intend to either.
     
  9. equinox

    equinox New Member

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    My advice is just don't tear yourself up over it. Accept who you are, and be honest with yourself about what turns you on.
     
  10. TheLubricator

    TheLubricator New Member

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    I intend to follow the advise given. It is a fantasy and rarely used. I am in love with my gf and intend to marry her. She said I am the man she has waited all her life for. I know this to be true.

    My fear when we first met is that I could not compete for her. This has proved to be unfounded.

    The reason this is in my head to begin with is we got a phone call in the middle of the night at the beginning of our relationship. She explained he was her "maintenance man" and hadn't seen him for six months. She refered to him as young Jason. Months later I asked her how young young Jason was. He was 27 when they began a 5 year casual sex relationship, she was 42 at the time. I am 59, thus my apprehension.

    The business about imaging I am another lover is something, I've not before. And it turns me up and pisses me off at the same time. I intend to stop this thinking as I control it and use it to excite myself when I feel under self imposed pressure to perform. This is nonsense as I consisitent knock her socks off. I am a great lover and have never been better with her. Again, thank for the help. I am using this forum to take the sting out of this fantasy as I believe it could ruin our relationship over time.
     
  11. miss mary

    miss mary New Member

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    hi - don't beat yourself up about your fantasies!! they are just fantasies. and why are you worried that it will ruin your relationship over time?? i think if you try so hard to get rid of them and can't, you'll start feeling bad. why not embrace them?? can you share them with your gf?? you could try acting them out with role-playing, that way you could fulfill part of your fantasy and stop feeling guilty about imagining yourself as one of her former lovers. and set the boundary that it is JUST A FANTASY and you don't actually want her to be with someone else. that's what a fantasy is, something that is unlikely to happen.

    and ps: if you're gf was with such a younger man she must be one hot lady!!! you should be proud to have her, not intimidated by her past
     
  12. TheLubricator

    TheLubricator New Member

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    She is hot and I am very proud to have her.
     
  13. sexaholic

    sexaholic New Member

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    Fascinating! The idea of my gf being with anyone else fills me with sadness and rage, it doesn't do anything to turn me on... I actually know of a few people personally that took this from fantasy into reality, with (unsurprisingly) bad results. But as a fantasy, it can't hurt. Sometimes weird stuff turns us on, and you've probably had dream fantasies where you thought 'what the?...'
     
    #13 sexaholic, May 10, 2007
    Last edited: May 10, 2007
  14. Head Jones IV

    Head Jones IV New Member

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    That's funny hearing it from the other side. I am all about seeing my lady with another man. It's a good thing she was a whore before she met me. She doesn't remember all the incidents where she fucked someone but when she does remember she tells me and it turns me on. We usually have sex afterwards...
     
  15. nightrider1964

    nightrider1964 New Member

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    Personally I see nothing wrong with the fantasies you have or the way you react to them. Like some one else said I think a LOT of people fantasize about see ing the SO's with other people.

    When I say this everybody here will probably think I am totally off my rocker but one of main fantasies when masturbating is thinking about another guy really giving it to my wife good. This is the part I would never admit to anyone except people here.....the main person I fantasize about seeing her with is a very well built, very hung, dark black man who is really putting it to her with a lot talent. Would I want to see it happen in reality? NO WAY!
     
  16. ranger12

    ranger12 New Member

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    I don't really imagine my wife with other strange men,,but I do imagine her with her ex,,I do like watching her with a dildo or vib
     
  17. austincode97

    austincode97 New Member

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    Very common and very normal. I told my current girlfriend about it and we sometimes have sex talk about it. But wouldn't ever do it.
     
  18. couple4couplehd

    couple4couplehd New Member

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    I would love to see my wife getting it good from another guy. I have told her this but she thinks I would use it as an excuse for me then wanting to shag another women which is not true. She really gets off when we are in the throws of sex and I put a rubber cock in her mouth and ask her to imagine sucking another guy off, we have had some really good sex.