When To Cut Ties?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by 10_3XL, May 1, 2014.

  1. 10_3XL

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2014
    Messages:
    8,236
    Likes Received:
    9,546
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Idaho, USA
    For the last few months my doubts and insecurities over my relationship have been increasing. I’m not sure what steps to take next. Correction: I do know what needs to be done next (she and I need to sit down and TALK), but I am hesitating and procrastinating. I wanted to get some objective thoughts and advice on the following. I figured the other members on here would be good for this - since I can’t really get objectivity from anybody in my “real” life. Let me lay out what all is/has been going on - we’ll go from there...

    First there was the long-running (and still somewhat prevalent) issue of sex being more like a chore or test rather than being an enjoyable experience. It wasn’t until quite recently that the proverbial lightbulb finally mutually went on and things started working out. In spite of this, the mentality going into sexual situations is still more like troops preparing for battle rather than two people revving up for a fun time. The Lady and I have sex, we both “get ours” from it, but it’s strictly been physical - there (for me at least) is little mental or emotional satisfaction. If anything after “successful” sex (translation: we both reach climax), then I feel more like a student who just got ace marks on a test rather than a man who has satisfied his partner's wants/needs.

    Second there is the time factor. Plain and simple: We don’t have it. Between my erratic schedule and her erratic schedule the time we spend with one another is very limited. What time we do have is usually even further limited because one or both of us is too exhausted to do anything other than fall asleep. This is going to get strained even further in just a few short months - I am starting school again and will be in class 5 out of 7 evenings a week for several hours before having to go into work. What time I will have will need to be dedicated to rest and recuperation.

    Third is what I think of as the Loyalty Debacle. I question how much of our relationship’s longevity and both of our commitments to it boils down to a misguided sense of loyalty and commitment. It was brought up in the Casual Sex thread on here about falling for whoever shows the slightest interest in you. I feel that is pretty applicable to my current situation. I feel a lot more strongly about being and staying committed and loyal to The Lady largely due to the fact that she is My First (took my virginity, first “serious” relationship, etc). I worry that she has been sticking around with me because of these same factors; that she feels a responsibility and duty to stay with this relationship because of the fact that she was My First.

    Fourth is the point that I am rather ashamed of. It is the fact that I am wanting more and more to be free to openly and uninhibitedly explore my sexual identity. I grew up with a very skewed and limited perspective on sex/sexuality; it has only been within the last couple of years that any sort of true learning and experience have taken place. That fact, as well as now knowing a small part of my sexual self, have increased my desire to get myself out there and see what there is. The Lady has been very accommodating and understanding with this when it has stayed as online “play” and meaningless/”typical male” looking around. However if I took any real actions I know that understandably it would NOT go over well. That doesn’t remove the desire/temptation/whatever-you-want-to-call-it for me, though.

    When I step back and look at it as objectively as I can, I don’t feel that either of us is all too happy or fulfilled by our relationship. It feels like such a farce at times! While I do care greatly for her, as time passes it feels less and less like a romantic/intimate care and more and more a platonic one. I do not like to think that we are both martyring ourselves and allowing ourselves to be trapped in something simply because we feel it is our obligation; that it is The Right Thing To Do.

    Again, I’d like to get some thoughts and advice on this! Thanks, all! If it seems like I've got a problem a day you wouldn't be far from right. Lots of stuff coming to a head (no pun intended), so lots of thoughts/questions/etc from me.
     
  2. AGFUNK

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2010
    Messages:
    3,974
    Likes Received:
    3,237
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    IL
    Sounds like you need to just take a break from relationships not necessarily sexual ones. Of course explain all of this to her. I'm curious how long have you been together and how has your relationship evolved/devolved from then. I'll give more advice after that has been answered.
     
    10_3XL and AtkCCC like this.
  3. HotForHoney

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2013
    Messages:
    16,945
    Likes Received:
    17,218
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    North East USA
    Have you tried working on the issues stated? Sounds like you just identified them.
     
    10_3XL likes this.
  4. backcheck64

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2010
    Messages:
    3,433
    Likes Received:
    1,040
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Missouri
    It's rare that your first is your last. You can get caught up with the first and think it's the end all be all. But feelings like you're having will undermine most relationships in the long run. You're new the the whole relationship thing. I'm a car guy so no comments, but do you buy the first car you drive? Not if you're smart, you'll test drive a half dozen to, well, our last purchase, we drove 14. You need to sleep with and have a relationship with a few people before you really know what you want. With all of the issues you've brought up, I'd say take a break and get a bit more experience.
     
    10_3XL likes this.
  5. lbushwalker

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2006
    Messages:
    6,964
    Likes Received:
    5,077
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    'Stralia Mate!
    Go ahead and pull the pin. You don't know what have until it is gone anyway!
    From the stuff you have been telling us it would appear that you have bisexual tendencies and have yet to discover your true identity and desires. Now that you do have some sexual experience you are feeling qualified and confident in progressing but a sense of chivalrous loyalty is hemming you.
    BC64 advice makes a lot of sense. The Lady will be fine and will soon enough find another big dick ;)
     
    10_3XL likes this.
  6. 10_3XL

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2014
    Messages:
    8,236
    Likes Received:
    9,546
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Idaho, USA
    AGFUNK: We've been together going on two years now. Started as friends through a mutual acquaintance and things evolved from there.
    H4H: The sex we've worked on, but the other factors are rather difficult to remedy as they are intangible. We can't change our schedules short of quitting our jobs (and good luck finding new ones!). I can attempt to rein in and regulate my feelings in regards to the Loyalty Debacle and desire for exploration, but that strikes me as unhealthy and unfair (for both The Lady and I).
    BC64: You present a very good point - all the various stuff going on in my head will probably undermine any attempt to make this relationship last (healthily) for the long run. And the car analogy really helped me out - being a car guy myself.
    lbushwalker: It's that not knowing what I've got 'til it's gone that has been holding me back so much. It's double-edged. The fear of living in regret over missed chances lies in either direction I could take.
     
  7. sandwich

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2012
    Messages:
    2,614
    Likes Received:
    2,411
    Gender:
    Female
    This is a hard one. Didn't you just the other day say you realized you are in love with her or some such thing? I could be remembering that incorrectly. Do your feelings change by the day or couple of days? If they keep changing maybe it would help to take a break to gain some clarity.

    I think sex and love get all mixed up sometimes. That is one of the reasons I wish I had waited. I am not saying you should have waited for sex. It's just that attraction and sex can blind a person as to whether or not the match is a good one. My ex and I were together for three years and ten months, and we had nothing in common but it was the sex and the accompanying attachment that blinded me.

    How long were you friends before you started having sex?

    My husband and I broke up for a month this past fall (long story....we were not yet married), and it wasn't until then that I knew he was the one I couldn't live without. You stay with the one you can't live without as opposed to the one you can live with.

    My final thought is that if you know for sure she is not the one you want to marry, then maybe it is time to end it.
     
    10_3XL likes this.
  8. 10_3XL

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2014
    Messages:
    8,236
    Likes Received:
    9,546
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Idaho, USA
    Oh, the post you're thinking of was me being a goofball. I do feel very strongly for her, but I don't know that I'd count it as Love. My feelings don't really waiver around that much, but there are definitely "high and low tides."
    We were friends for about half a year before we started seeing each other romantically. Then it was still another 3 months before we started having sex.
    I'm not sure on being with her or being without. And as for marriage... perish the thought! I'm not considering that option with ANYone at this point.
     
  9. Ra1nb0wUnderwear

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2012
    Messages:
    486
    Likes Received:
    1,047
    Gender:
    Female
    I think you gave yourself the advice you need already. Talk to her. Not necessarily a break up talk, but an honest candid discussion of the things you've told us.

    The time issue-- I get it. I was in a long distance relationship for the better part of the last few years. We were only two hours apart and only managed to physically be together maybe 6 times, some of which were only for a few hours. My current man thing works 6-4 at one job, and then 5-9 at the other Monday through Friday. I work a whole mess of varying shifts (second and third shift mostly, but they line up goofy), and my only day off is Saturday. It's a mess, but for the past two months we've found a way to at least see each other a few hours a week. The one thing I've learned is that the relationship needs to continue even when you cannot physically be together. The way I explained it to my friends with my ex, was that the emotional part of the relationship was daily whereas the physical part was once every few months. We did partake in sexting, phone sex, skype calls, and the like (but obviously it's not the same as being physically close).

    As far as sex, I understand the frustration of sex not working the way you want it to. It's frustrating, makes you question yourself, makes you wonder if it can ever be satisfying. But it's something that both of you need to believe is worth working through in order for either to be fully satisfied. If getting her off feels like a chore, it's probably not a relationship you need to be in. Same goes for her.

    The one thing I wish to add is that if you do end things with her, don't expect the platonic part of your relationship to survive.
     
    10_3XL likes this.