When is honest too honest?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by elonlyBuster, Nov 13, 2008.

  1. elonlyBuster

    elonlyBuster New Member

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    So I'm constantly told I'm too honest, so what would be considered too honest to say to a sig other. And when should I be "honest" as in what they just want to hear?
     
  2. Dreama

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    Sometimes, someone might tell you you're too honest when you're not being tactful in stating your honesty-I've often told hubby that his words can hurt, if not put tactfully. Say your girlfriend asks you how you like her in a certain article of clothing, and you don't particularly like it. There's a difference in the way it comes across when you say, "It doesn't suit you. Try this on instead" as opposed to, "You look like crap in it-put something else on". When you put things tactfully, it means you're polite and considerate. When you're too blunt, your comments can come off as accusatory, in a way that seems like an attack. If this isn't your problem, sorry I am off base.
     
  3. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Being "honest" sometimes means being thoughtless. :shrug

    Honesty, in and of itself, is a good thing. However, tempering one's honesty with kindness goes a long way in a relationship. Pragmatism, sans tact is like fingernails on a chalkboard.
     
  4. Thorn

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    I've been (TOO) honest most of my married years, and I've been on the other side. I believe my ways are the way to build a lasting relationship.
     
  5. Wckd_Beauty

    Wckd_Beauty New Member

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  6. elonlyBuster

    elonlyBuster New Member

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    I partially understand and yeah sometimes I am tactful, but then later on when the question comes up again, me being a guy just answers it with a different answer, or something not as thoughtful as the first time then I get the "you didn't say that last time". So I just try to be completely honest to avoid that.

    But of course if I don't like something she's wearing I won't say "You look like crap in that" I'll say something like "I can't really see you in that" or "That doesn't really look like your style too much".
     
  7. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Agreed. "Gentle honesty". How you say something is just as important as what you say.

    BD
     
  8. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    And added to that - How you say something can make a difference in how it's received and acted upon. If your honesty is meant to help someone or better someone, then you should also be willing to take the time to say it gently. This way, your advice will more readily be heeded instead of seen as a cut.
     
  9. Dreama

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    It was an example. But if you're not always tactful, that might be why your sweetie says you're too honest.
     
  10. Wckd_Beauty

    Wckd_Beauty New Member

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    Instead of thinking of it in terms of You, think of how your SO will react to the response instead of knowing the question might be asked again and you don't feel like replying the same as before. Why not think first about how they might feel, since their feelings are what's going to get hurt by your honesty if you don't think it through. ...It's not just about you.
     
  11. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Well, I think it's important to be tactful. You should say what needs to be said in a gentle way. However, there's a line here...you can't make someone responsible for your feelings. Ultimately, we are responsible for our own feelings...we own our own emotions. Making someone else responsible for your emotions makes you a helpless victim. Taking responsibility for your own emotions empowers you to control them and change them when necessary.

    BD
     
  12. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Yes, the intention and the motivation is very important!

    BD
     
  13. Boblinho

    Boblinho New Member

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    I, unfortunately, have very little tact at times, but geenrally only when I've got my mind on other things. It has led to arguments in some cases. Just try being nice about the bad things that you have to say.
    Or if you don't actually have an opinion try the line "I'm a man, what the **** do I know?" That normally works for me...
     
  14. HardRocker

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    When is honest too honest?...
    Your new baby is even uglier than you are!
     
  15. Joe

    Joe
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    :lol:lol:lol

    Almost fell outa my chair with that one!
     
  16. Rocket Queen

    Rocket Queen New Member

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    yep, too honest lol
     
  17. djmercer1

    djmercer1 New Member

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    i like you in that i always get ragged on by family and friend alikefor being too brutal. i always been too upfront for my own good, many of our arguments often end with me saying 'listen to what i said and not how i said it', wifey on the other hand often reads too much into how people says things.

    theres got to be a happy medium somewhere....
     
  18. Wckd_Beauty

    Wckd_Beauty New Member

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    I can understand that, but if you honestly care about another person's well being and you understand that your words hurt, wouldn't it be better for the both of you to compromise and monitor HOW you say what you say, instead of tossing words out your mouth without a care for anyone?
     
  19. Puss_in_boots

    Puss_in_boots Adminatrix
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    I teach Business English and one important part of the curriculum is Diplomatic Language.

    "A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip."

    Using diplomatic language means being able to state unpleasant things in a pleasant way. Its an essential skill often used in negotiations between countries and companies and it can easily be applied to "negotiations" between individuals. Stating things in a confrontational, direct, and indeed, too honest kind of way takes the focus off the issue itself and lowers the discourse down to the level of personal attacks.

    Try to shift the focus of the issue to yourself. After all, it's not about them; it's about you and your feelings, right? Instead of saying something like, "You're wrong." say, "I sorry, but I'm not sure I entirely agree." You'll notice that it takes a lot longer to say, but that's the point. The first phrase is too confrontational and guaranteed to incite a defensive emotional response. Making the issue about you and adding the extra words not only pads and softens the language, but it makes it less personal and keeps the focus on the issue.

    By the time you have to say, "Listen to what I said, now how I said it," it's too late. The "negotiations" have already broken down to the level of personal attacks and accusations.

    Flex those google muscles if you want to find many more diplomatic language resources and suggestions for being a more effective negotiator.
     
  20. Dreama

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    That also looks like non-violent communication, which is a very effective tool.