When a woman comes over to your place

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Icebat, Jan 25, 2013.

  1. Icebat

    Icebat Member

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    Hello everyone. I need some advice.
    I'm a late bloomer and I am very inexperienced. It's not that I'm ugly or anything, it's just that, to make a long story short, I barely have any experience with women which makes me insecure around them.

    Anyway, I met a girl who is my age (30). She's pretty and nice to be around with. At first, we just saw each other to do casual stuff like having a drink, going to the theaters, go to a restaurant together, etc.
    I started feeling more for her after a few dates and just told her how I felt: I told her I started to get more feelings for her.
    She said she didn't feel that way. At least not yet. She told me she had the feeling we were too different to each other and wasn't sure of it yet herself. She did say she was picky about what man would become her boyfriend but she didn't really completely rejected me neither. It's hard to describe but it left me with a feeling of "she said no, but she didn't totally close the door neither"

    Anyway, we continued seeing each other. Just last week, I asked if she would like to spend an afternoon wandering in another city. You know, just some local city-sighting. She said ye and we planned it on last Saturday, but since the weather was really terrible last week she asked if it was ok we would simply go drink a hot chocolate milk together in our hometown.
    We did that and it was fun. We spoke and laughed and chatted.

    We started talking about the movie Skyfall which she wanted to see. We planned to see it in the theaters one night, but it was already fully booked so we ended up watching another movie.
    She said last weekend that she still wanted to see Skyfall.

    So a few days ago, I sent her a message asking her if she'd like to come and see Skyfall over at my place since I was planning to acquire it as soon as it would be released on Bluray.
    She replied "of course! I still haven't seen it! it's a good idea". I told her I'd let her know as soon as I got the movie but that we'd probably see each other before that anyway. We're still planning to go do some local city-sighting.

    Now I'm confused. I'm terrible at interpreting signals from women. A few months ago she kinda said "no" when I told her about my feelings, but didn't really completely shut the door.
    And now this... all my friends say she's probably into me and simply wants to get to know me better before eventually starting a relationship. And they say that if she said "no" last time, it's probably because she felt it was too early and we didn't know each other well enough yet.

    You, from an objective point of view, how would you interpret this? Is this totally innocent and nothing's going on, or do you think she might actually be into me or at least try to find out who I really am to see if a relationship is possible?
     
  2. sessuale

    sessuale Member

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    Well, I think if she wasn't into you at all, she wouldn't have said yes of course! When responding to your invitation to come over. It's very possible that she wants to get to know you and spend time with you more prior to committing to a relationship. Everyone is different, but that's what I would go with. spend more time together and wait a little longer before you touch on that subject again. Good luck! :)
     
  3. MrFusion

    MrFusion New Member

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    If she gave you that big of a "Yes" when you invited her over, I think she's into you and probably wants to take the next step. From what it sounds like, you two have been together for a while and she's probably wondering why you haven't before this point.

    I am referring to sex above. Note that just because she may not think you are boyfriend material (or even if she's still deciding), she still may want to have sex with you.

    Now you're probably thinking.. "I'm not even thinking about sex here.." Of course you are! Or at least you should be. Normal people of this age want to have sex. It's a normal function.

    I was a "late bloomer" myself. I never picked up on women's signals very well. Now that I look back, I think of many opportunities I missed with women. I think of how I probably blew it with my first girlfriend because I wasn't seeing her signals and taking the next move. If women put themselves out there and hint they want to move forward, whether that be sexually, a deeper / more exclusive or closer relationship and you don't reciprocate in kind, she may think that you're not interested and she'll break it off - I believe this is what happened to me.

    Fortunately, I found a girl who was crazy about me and I finally sacked up and put myself out there by taking steps I hadn't before - Now we're happily married.

    My advice in a 1 liner: If she's still hanging out with you after this amount of dating - she's into you. Go forward before you lose her!
     
  4. lbushwalker

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    Yes I agree with the above two replies but I would caution you on hitting on her for sex just because she is ok about coming to your home.
    Play it by ear, expect nothing yet if the situation arises do not disappoint her.
    Good luck!
     
  5. Icebat

    Icebat Member

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    Good advice and it gives me more insight.
    To be truthful with you all, I asked this on another forum as well and they came up with rather... bizarre theories.
    For starters and yes they know I'm 30 yrs old) they said I should be dating 18 year olds or 20 year olds max because I'm inexperienced... hmmm...
    After that, they said I friendzoned myself. They said I should have been sexual with her from the very start, and not TELL her how I felt, but start touching her and just kiss her. Because apparently, no man should ever tell a woman about his feelings. He should just DO something.

    They said a woman doesn't want to HEAR what you feel. She just wants to be taken. That sounds a bit... strange to me.
    They said that now I was nothing more but a girlfriend with a dick for her and that I established some sort of familiarity with her that will make it hard or even impossible to proceed to a relationship eventually.

    They adviced I should simply try to f*** her right away and if she refuses, I'd just have to kick her out.

    This... well to be honest I'm not sure this is really good advice. The advice here sounded more... "normal".
    Anyway, I'll see how it goes. She doesn't seem to be the kind of girl that wants just sex, but maybe I'm mistaking.
    I just would find it odd that she'd accept to come to my place, knowing I had feelings for her, if she wasn't at least interested in me too.

    I'm just not sure what I should do. Just spend the night and make another move (which I'm not sure is a good idea) or wait for her to make a move (that she might not make at all)... or just continue doing what we do now: hang out together have good times together, be myself and see where that might lead. I just wonder if she's not trying to get to know me better because she does see me as potential relationship material.
     
  6. Hot Wheels

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    You are correct in your summation of the other forum......they dont seem to offer sound advice at all....:eyes
    My advice......just go with the flow.....the girl obviously enjoys your company and trusts you so dont ruin a good thing by pushing the issue....
    She may have had other issues in her life that explains why she might want to take things easy and just enjoy your company before taking the plunge again?:shrug
    Your spending time together so that means you must be communicating with her.....if she wants things to progress to the next level.....she'll let you know.:)
     
  7. Icebat

    Icebat Member

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    Well she used to be on a dating site and she did say she had some bad experiences with that. Not that she got abused or anything, but all the dates she got, thinking the guy was sincere, were just guys looking for some quick f***.
    Maybe that's one of the reasons why she prefers to take things slowly.
     
  8. rileyjane

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    For some reason she is having apreprehension. However, i think she want to spend time with you.. Take it slow and you will know whne the right time to make a move is...just dont be pushy and dont rush her! Good luck
     
  9. Icebat

    Icebat Member

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    It might be because she told me she was on a dating site and she had some bad experiences with that. Furthermore, she says she's kinda picky about who she wants a relationship with. perhaps that's why she decided to get to know me better...
    The question is... when will I know the time is right? If I wait too long, I might end up getting friendzoned.
     
  10. MrAvg

    MrAvg New Member

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    At one time I was much like you, very shy and I also struggled with PE issues. I think she likes you and wants to get to know you better, this is a good thing. She wants to be sure you 2 are compatible before she wants a emotional relationship. Make sure the place is clean, bathroom for sure and just relax and have a nice evening watching a movie.

    I think you will know if she wants more, and I was very bad at signals much like you have expressed. Do not push but show her you still like her and have feelings without being pushy. One time I was so clueless the lady seduced me. Maybe you may get lucky that way to.

    I got to ask this, are you a virgin?
     
    #10 MrAvg, Jan 30, 2013
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2013
  11. Icebat

    Icebat Member

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    No. I lost it at a very late age though. I was 28.
    And I only had sex a couple of times in my life so far so when it comes to that, I'm 30 and I must have as much knowledge about sex as a 16 years old :)
    Why are you asking?
     
  12. MrAvg

    MrAvg New Member

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    Just curious, guys who are late to bloom often times are virgins, I was later than my peers but that was my fear of PE. I concurred that problem with the help of a mature woman who wanted to be a FWB.

    Good luck with the movie, just relax and have a good time.
    To be honest I am 57 married 29 years and I miss singles ladies are hitting up on me still. My wife sees it, I am often oblivious.
     
  13. sandwich

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    Hi. I'm not sure if we have ever met. I'm Sandwich.

    I read your post a couple times, and it occurred to me that this girl could easily be me with all the ambivalence going on. You mentioned that she said she thought the two of you might be too different. In my opinion, that might have been the most telling thing she said.

    I met a guy when I was close to finishing grad school. We dated a couple of months shy of a year, moved in together, got engaged after a year of living together and broke up two years later. We had nothing in common. In terms of personality, we were polar opposites. So then all of a sudden I was going on 29, and I had no idea why we were ever together except for sex.

    It seems unlikely she would mention the notion of being too different if she was into casual sex. She must be into relationships. So her being cautious makes all the sense in the world to me. Except for my first sexual esperience, it takes a long time for me to hop into bed with someone. I would have waited a lot longer than three months to sleep with my current boyfriend were it not for the fact that we were friends for four years before we started dating. The three months did not involve a once a week date. We have seen each other no fewer than four days a week and usually more like five or six days a week.

    The best thing I ever did in terms of dating has been to not "date" my bf. What I mean by that is that we usually just spend time doing things we would normally do. Sure we've been out to dinner, and sometimes we go to the movies, but most of the time we have just been together finding out about each other's world. Dating is deceiving.

    I like the idea of her coming to your place to watch a movie you both wanted to see. It's good to see the other person in his/her environment instead of staying in la la dating land. It's not possible for two people to have everything in common, but at least a few things are good. The worse thing to do is to pretend to be something you're not.

    If I were you I would find out what she like to do and find out if you are into those things. Maybe you could ask her to do something with you that you like to do. If all you want to do is play chess, take pictures, and make everything in life as efficient as possible, and she wants to throw parties, watch sports, and have great musical and outdoor adventures, then you probably aren't a match. A friend of mine just moved out of the apartment she was sharing with her bf because she realized that he is a homebody, and she likes to mix it up and do different things. They were talking about getting married, but she decided that down the road they would be unhappy.
     
  14. lbushwalker

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    Sandy is spot on of course but all the same the anticipation of hearing back that they have finally had sex is killing me :eek
     
  15. backcheck64

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    You do realize you could be in the "friend" zone and she's really coming over to JUST watch the movie. Play it cool, if you are in the friends zone, you could be out on your ear really quick if you push it. She's already stated she doesn't think of you "that way".
     
  16. Icebat

    Icebat Member

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    The thing is... I don't really know how to react now and when to make a move.
    Making a move too early like I did, wasn't a good idea. I went to have a drink with her tonight and like usual, we talk about all kinds of stuff. But this time we talked a little about relationships and stuff like that.
    She said that what often happened on dating sites, is that men would meet her and after a few dates tell her they want a relationship, while she didn't feel she knew them well enough to do that. It felt too "forced" she says. Like if a "script" tells people that after X messages, you have to meet, after X dates you have to become a couple and if it takes more than X, forget about it.
    She said she more believed into simply hanging out and letting it come naturally.

    And now I don't know what to do. She's more of the shy type.She's not at all the kind of girl to go out in a bar and start chit-chatting with everyone. One part of me wants to give her more time to get to know me and simply see how our friendship evolves, another part of me doesn't want to get put in the friendzone (if I'm not there already...) and that part also simply wants to know if she now really only sees me as "just a friend that will never be more" or "a friend that I'd like to know better because I'm interested in him".
    Back when I told her for the first time about my feelings for her, she said she had already felt that and that she kinda felt like that too, but that she later, after a couple of dates, realized we are kinda different to each other. Yet now, we still continue to see each other and hang out together so it must mean we're not THAT different right? Maybe she had the wrong idea about me back then and we're not so different after all. We do have several interests in common.

    Or maybe I'm overthinking.
    Or maybe I should forget about it because I'm really "friendzoned".
     
    #16 Icebat, Feb 1, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2013
  17. lbushwalker

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    At the next opportunity try introducing sex in the topic of discussion. You will get a sense of the game play from what she is willing to divulge.