What, if anything, do I do about this?

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by BingGuy_23, Aug 21, 2007.

  1. BingGuy_23

    BingGuy_23 New Member

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    OK, here's the background on my situation: This girl and I have been "friends" for about 3 years now (we are 24 if that matters). We don't have a BF/GF label, which she knew I didn't want from the beginning. We are very close, do everything as a "couple", and spend lots of time together, we love eachother and say so often. So pretty much dating, just without using the term BF or GF.

    So last night she had left her cell at my house and I was going to be an ass and take some nudie pics and put them on her phone, just for laughs when I gave it back to her. So then I got nosey and was checking out her text messages, in which the INbox was empty, which it never is, because she always says she forgets to empty it and ALWAYS has tons of message in it. So I looked through the OUTbox and saw some weird messages she had sent. One had something along the lines of "I loved you back then, but I'm telling you 3 years too late." Then I found a picture in the OUTbox she had the sent the same guy, which was a pic of her making a puckered lip/kinda pouty/tease pic. She had actually sent me the same pic with the message "I love you". So I type in the number it was sent to, click "send", to see who's name pops up right before it dials the #. It is a guy she had hooked up with right before we started hanging out.

    So to get the obvious out the way: I know I shouldn't have been nosey and went through her phone in the first place. It's wrong, and I know it. But hey, I never claimed to be perfect. But it's done, I DID look through it and saw this. So what do you guys think I should do? Bring it up with the risk of looking like a psycho for looking through her phone, which could quickly turn around and make me the bad guy (which I guess I could be for looking, who knows?) Or let it go?

    I'm not the type of guy who forbids her being friends with other guys, or even talking to ex's every now and then. I'm not controlling in any way. But this has raised my eyebrows and made me think. It affected me enough that when she was over my house after that, I was somewhat stand-off-ish, and not my normal sarcastic/goofy self with her.

    I know this post is LONG, but I wanted to get all the details and background in so you guys know what's going on.
     
  2. Hope80

    Hope80 New Member

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    Its not like you were maliciously snooping around...Imagine you were a married couple and saw suspicious bills coming from a florist when you defnately knew your wife did not ever bring you any flowers lately?? Would you be snooping then? You say you two do not quite have that "couple" term grounded...Mayb she is getting tired of waiting for your formal confirmation? Mayb she is just venting to that other man that if she had taken his offer 3 yrs before, she would perhaps be in a more committed relationship going someplace (marriage perhaps) Because...by the looks of things...your relationship is practically a "friends with benefits" I would definately have a sit down with her and put your cards on the table and be frank...If you cannot stand the idea of her leaving then you come right out about your intentions with her and consider her your significant other...3 yrs is a long time to "do things as a couple" and not be a couple.
     
  3. Barbwire

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    Well, she's not your "g/f" and you aren't her "b/f". If you can't bear the title b/f title, then have no right to care who she's fucking or thinking about fucking.

    I know that's a shoot from the hip kind of answer with no fluff, but I'm not in the mood for fluff, it's late and I'm tired.
     
  4. BingGuy_23

    BingGuy_23 New Member

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    I completely understand that. But at the same time, if that IS the case, I'd like her to tell me that up front. As I did with her about the "couple" term when we first met, ya know? Maybe I'm just being a jerk, I dunno. People make jokes with us saying "she's gonna move on if you don't make it official", but again, I'd like her to tell me that, and be upfront. Maybe I'm asking too much.
     
  5. BingGuy_23

    BingGuy_23 New Member

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    Straight to the point, no sugar-coating, eh? LOL. But, yeah, you're right....kinda. Maybe I shouldn't "want to have my cake and eat it too", but she knew the deal coming into this. I've made no false promises to her. Yes, we don't have the title, but we do have a high level of commitment (I think, lol), which we talked about openly. Sure, this might seem like a weird situation to some, but to say I "have no right to care who she's fucking" is a little off. I know she would shit if I was sleeping with someone else.
     
  6. Hope80

    Hope80 New Member

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    No you know what...Shes probably got the idea that "hey, at the time...I agreed to the circumstances and he might look at me funny if now i ask for something more serious" so she could just be a little scared to even ask for fear of redicule. Really, there is no shame in being the one to bring it up....as much as you feel she should be woman enough to bring up her concerns with you...sometimes certain things are hard to ask...and judging by your post in this forum...Your feelings for her go a little farther beyond the friends with benefits phase? Let her know how you really feel...
     
  7. Bluesy

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    Yep. Assign responsibility where responsibility is due. If a person isn't happy with the type of relationship they're in, they always have the option to leave it. You guys discussed the conditions of your relationship in the beginning, she is a willing participant, "acting out" would be an immature and selfish way to deal with the situation if she isn't happy. I'm not saying that that's what's going on...it's hard to tell what's going through her mind and what her relationship with her ex is like from the little information you've given us here. If I were you, I wouldn't mention the snooping (and I wouldn't do it again), because that was definitely out-of-bounds. What I would do is find a way to initiate an honest and open discussion about your relationship status, if she's happy with it, etc. Find out what's going through her mind, let her know she can tell you anything. And what else can you do? Watch for signs of discontent...Does her behavior match her words?
     
  8. BingGuy_23

    BingGuy_23 New Member

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    She HAS brought up the label thing, many times, in a joking manner (but I know she's serious). I don't know how to respond to her when she does, I just end up looking like an idiot and bringing up how I told her my feelings on it at the beginning. And yes, my feelings for her go past "fuck buddies". I would take a bullet for this girl. I know me saying that may sound weird being that I don't want the term BF, but hey, I'm nutty like that:D. I don't know if I can bring it up to her, I get nervous just thinking about it.
     
  9. BingGuy_23

    BingGuy_23 New Member

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    Thanks for seeing things as I do. Sometimes I feel like an asshole saying "You know this was the deal when it started", but it's true. As for her relationship with her ex, it's not really an ex, they just were friends for a while and hooked up a few times. She's talked about him a few times, but theres not really a relationship there, as far as I know, besides a phone convo every now and then.
     
  10. BingGuy_23

    BingGuy_23 New Member

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    That's what I've said to people who say I need to make it "official", but I just get weird looks and they think I'm cold hearted. Do I want her to leave? Absolutely not. Do I feel I should give in just to make that not happen? I don't think so:(.
     
  11. Hope80

    Hope80 New Member

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    Your in a tough situation....But if you are not willing to just sip a couple drinks to calm your nerves down ..You have to accept what is POSSIBLY going on...If you do not want to escalate your status together as just what it is now...then its totally valid for her to see someone else aswell because you refuse to make it exclusive.
     
  12. Bluesy

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    That's because in our culture you aren't serious about one another unless you're headed for the altar...one necessarily equals the other in most people's minds. There are other countries where people aren't quite as marriage-obsessed, and it's perfectly respectable for two people to be "significant others" and live together (or not) and have a stable, healthy, exclusive relationship, for life, even!

    If you don't want to succumb to cultural trappings such as "marriage", or even want to rebel against having to declare yourselves as each other's property in any way, shape, or form, that's your business and others should respect that. It's how you treat someone, how you feel about them, and the quality of the relationship that really matters. I say be content with your choices and pay no heed to those who want you to join them on the bandwagon. If your lady friend wants more, that could be a problem, but you aren't going to know until you talk it over.

    ETA: Btw, I have nothing whatsoever against marriage, just something against people pressuring other people to get married.
     
    #12 Bluesy, Aug 22, 2007
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2007
  13. Kronnie

    Kronnie Banned

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    so is it that your are scared of the true commitment of a real relationship, which is why you want everything from her that you would get from a relationship but not the title so you feel free from that....well sadly if she loves you and loved you from the start, she may well have agreed to anything you said so that she could be with you....

    Perhaps she is hoping that you may get some backbone and actually ask her out......females or males for that matter no matter how they agreed to something wont make much of a difference in the long run ( as a relationship isn’t a business contract...)

    Take the plunge stop being so shit scared of using the term b/f from a fear of commitment and just ask her out properly .
     
  14. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

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    Bing guy your problem didn't start when you looked at her phone. It started 3 years ago when you picked up on a wounded girl just out of a relationship. Your second mistake is you became her friend and buddy. That almost always ends badly for the guy. You keep her company until some guy comes along that is not near as nice and she falls for the jerk. If she gets pregnant and if he runs she may ask you to marry but then she would resent you until the divorce when she gets half. Once you have become best buddy to a girl the only way out is go find yourself a girl. You can't do that while on the arm of this one. I have been on both sides of this one. The good friend and the jerk that took her away. Being the jerk is more fun.
     
  15. Dreama

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    Wow, Bluesy. I couldn't ever have phrased it better. In a traditional relationship, it can be intimidating, because at the 'boyfriend' level it's much harder to leave the relationship, if you are not compatible together. There is nothing wrong with making sure you know where the exits are. But, perhaps you should talk to this woman if her actions are making you uncomfortable..She may or may not choose to stop or change them, as is her right, in a traditional relationship or not.....But, whatever she chooses, you know you're free to leave at any time. Not to say that you wish to, but if you chose to do so, you at least know you aren't trapped.
     
  16. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    I agree that you going through her phone is not the only issue here..... but to me it is the issue at hand. In my world, you go through my stuff, and all trust is lost. Don't go through my phone, don't check my email, don't read my chat logs. It's not because I have anything to hide. I don't. My husband knows everything I do, with whom, and when. Just respect me enough to stay out of my shit. He doesn't. And it's not a comfortable and reinforcing relationship to be in.
     
  17. cook74

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    My partner loves going through my private shit, even my posts on this forum, I don't mind because I haven't got anything to hide.

    But I've got mates that have dumped their GFs just because they caught them looking through their wallets and phones.:yell

    I've discussed my partners curiosity with my friends recently and they were all "SHOCK HORROR" but I figure if I'm going to spend my life with someone then my life is theirs for the searching.

    All that aside, if it was a transient relationship then I'd be pissed.:tsktsk
     
  18. BingGuy_23

    BingGuy_23 New Member

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    I really appreciate all the advice given and all of you taking the time to read the long ass original post. Bluesy, you hit the nail right on the head in both of your posts. You seem to see things exactly as I do as far as this situation goes. Well, I finally got up the balls today to bring it up. I first started out by telling her HOW I found out what I did, then quickly followed with an apology for doing so. She didn't turn things around on me, thank God. So we talked for a long time, both expressing EXACTLY what we're looking for out of the "relationship", and obviously, our goals differed. So we decided to part ways, which would be better for BOTH of us. I can keep my lifestyle, she can now go ahead and find a guy who's interested in getting married in the next 5 years. That guy is not me, I'm 24, and marriage is not even on my radar. I still can't really believe that we actually went ahead with the split, but I'm sure it will kick in sooner or later:(. I guess everyone has different needs and desires and if they conflict, then things may not work out.

    Like I said, it's all for the better, for her and for me. Things didn't end in a loud fury, but a calm realization of what's going on and where things WERE headed. So again, thanks to all of the advice.

    P.S.
    She said the messages with that guy were the result of them chatting about old times and she says she got caught up in the moment. I still feel shitty for going through her phone though........live and learn.
     
  19. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

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    Now, don't date for a while and don't go back. At this point just lay back for a bit. You have a lot of feelings to sort out right now. Don't confuse things.
     
  20. Maddox

    Maddox New Member

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    I agree to an extent, his GF/F-Buddy obviously had something to hide if they agreed on staying comitted to one another, yet not in a relationship. I personally think flirting with other people is out of bounds in that situation, and by the sound of his post so does he. If not, sorry for the asumption.

    To the OP, it's not good that you went through her phone, but it's good you found what you did. Now you need to make a decision:

    Stay with her and possibly get comitted; she might be sick of "just being friends" (us guys know how lame it is when girls say "let's just be friends")

    Or Sit down with her and let her decide if she wants to keep things the way they were but abide closer to the original "agreement" and not flirt/be with other guys (whichever)

    Or you two could split and go your separate ways.