What do you do?

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by cbrmale, May 21, 2014.

  1. cbrmale

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    This is more an opportunity to get this off my chest than anything else. Background: I have partial erectile dysfunction from spinal column nerve damage, so I need to take medications to get an erection. I take Cialis three times a week and get very strong morning erections.
    I have been married for 28 years to a woman who was a virgin when we married, and she is happy to have sex with me at anytime and she enjoys it in her own way. However she is sexually passive beyond belief and, over the years, has become less and less physically attractive to me. For example when we have sex even though she is happy to have it, she basically just lies there like a lump. If I don't do all the work then we would get nowhere. My erectile dysfunction gets worse and I rely on trimix injection therapy which is as strong as it gets. Sadly, even that doesn't work anymore.
    I have two relationships which she doesn't know about, with married women who, ironically, have husbands who are unable to physically have sex with them. Both women are sexual normal in that they give, receive and openly demonstrate that they are having a good time. I get hard straight away with both women and have no difficulties.
    So I have this wife who's a lovely woman and who I don't want to leave, but she won't extend herself sexually, she refuses to expand her repertoire beyond just laying and waiting and I don't know what to do. What do you do with a person who claims she loves you but behaves this way, sexually? She digs her heels in, refuses to consider other variations to sex the same way every time, refuses to get active beyond half-hearted blow jobs in a vain attempt to get me hard. At our age and divorce would be a financial disaster, and this is the case with the two married women who I see. Divorce would be a financial disaster for them so an affair with me is the one way they can release sexual tension.
    So we have three people in long-term marriages all with the same problem. It can't be just us three and there must be many more similar.
    The thing is I cannot understand why someone would refuse to engage sexually because there is so much pleasure to be had from good sex. You can't discuss or negotiate with her because she just refuses, point blank. The big issue with sex and couples is that it always gets reduced to the lesser: if one refuses sex totally the other misses out, if one refuses to participate actively the other misses out. Very common.
    End of story for me, but I am not looking forward much to the future.
     
  2. AGFUNK

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    Have you ever gone to counseling together? Was she always this way?
     
  3. cbrmale

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    Yes we have done counselling and yes she has always been this way.
     
  4. AGFUNK

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    I understand what you're going through but if she's always been this way you really can't expect for her to change. She probably just doesn't like sex. At least it sounds like that to me. If she won't talk to you then there's nothing you can do besides what you are already doing.
     
  5. cbrmale

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    Don't ever condemn men and women who have affairs! There's always a reason for it. One of my married women said it's a big ask for a single person to be your best friend and soulmate and a great lover too. So you can love someone who's really fantastic but the sex can be dreadful.
     
  6. AGFUNK

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    I wasn't condemning you. All I said is that you can't do anything other than what you already are. She won't change, you wont leave her, so continue to have your affairs. You're happy and she's happy.
     
  7. cbrmale

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    I know there was no condemnation; that was for anyone else reading this. Same situation goes for all those sexless marriages. I do wish I had an answer but when the other party won't budge on something they are missing out on more than anyone else, there is no answer.
     
  8. 10_3XL

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    It's a catch-22. Part of me says, "If it's that bad then leave and find someone who you are happy with and is responsive sexually." Another part says, "Try try try to work it out since you obviously love this woman."

    You seem to have a decent enough solution. HOWEVER sneaking around behind your wife's back is (to me) completely unacceptable. You need to be entirely open and honest with her. The women you are involved with need to do likewise with their partners. I am not condemning your actions, or saying you're a bad person, just that I personally don't approve of the secrecy. I think it sounds like all involved need to be in "open marriages" rather than sneaking around and concealing the truth from the others.
     
  9. lbushwalker

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    Cbrmale; welcome back to SF!
    Tough situation but mirrors mine with same solitons applied in the past. Four years ago I left the scene with the lame reason of a new job 1000 Kms away. She wished me well and said to be happy. I am now happy with a lovely young woman 30 years my junior and with a rampant sexual drive.
    Will it last, of course not but in the interim I am as a happy as a gallah!
    Occasionally I visit the family home to catch up with my grown kids but since they are young adults it is an ok situation. Next year I have plans to do volunteer work in a third world country so again my life will change.
     
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  10. cbrmale

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    lbushwalker, congratulations and well-done. If I were 10 years younger I would do the same as you, but at 56 and with chronic pain limiting my earnings potential, that is not really an option for me although I wish it were. The thing I discovered with my affairs is that women the same age as me can be rampantly sexual and hanging out for good sex, so they don't have to be 30 years younger. Both of my women have looked after themselves better than my wife. One of my problems is that apart from being a lump in bed, I don't find my wife that attractive anymore. But she does have a heart of gold and when they made her they broke the mould. What she really needs to do is be more selfish about sex rather than attempting to comply with what she interprets as my unstated wishes. But she won't talk about sex.

    I make no apologies for secret affairs. My wife is very sensitive to the point where she gets VERY upset about me putting an attractive, female character in my novels (I have two to be published this year and two published a couple of years ago). How would she cope with a more attractive and a sexier lover? Or two of them? Not very well.

    When it comes to writing even dark mysteries, it is still a world of partial-fantasy where the male and female characters and handsome and beautiful and sex is always marvellous, unless you have a specific reason for that not to be so. My wife reads enough to understand what I am on about so it is a reaction about her own appearance that brings on her anger about what I have written.
     
  11. CaramelLady

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    I am not condoning nor condemning what you are doing. It is not my place to do so. I do not live in your shoes. I do not have any words of wisdom. But.... I do wish you well.
     
  12. lbushwalker

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    Cbrmale,
    Well I was not kidding about our stories being very similar including the chronic back issue and the need for ED meds nor for that matter about the two simultaneous FWB of near own age. In fact that was the very scenerio when along came the young woman and even knowing of the other two still chose to not only take me on, offer me her virginity but them proceeded to make me cast the others aside. Hey and I am only 61 yo with a very average appendage.
    My still legal spouse is also exactly like yours in regard to sex and other matters but for me there is now no turning back even if in the end I end up old and alone.
     
  13. cbrmale

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    lbushwalker,
    That's an interesting story, and you don't necessarily have to be left old and alone either. We never know what the future brings and it is tragic to waste the time we have now. My sister-in-law died last year at the age of 53 after a short battle with agressive cancer. At 56 or 61 it's better to look back and think 'I'm glad I did' that rather than think 'I wished I had'! This is why I have my affairs at least. I expect you have a similar philosophy.

    Interesting about us both having chronic pain and resulting ED though. When having sex at least the pain goes away for a while, but for me the pain has made working other than part-time difficult. I do get grumpy at times because it really hurts BAD! So with my wife I am financially set, but to move on would change the balance, especially as her superannuation is worth a lot more than mine. One of my FWBs is in the same situation, except she doesn't love her husband any more (poor woman).

    So what I need is a sexy, 26 year old to sweep me away (she doesn't have to be a virgin), and I might reconsider the financial aspects of my life! And I have a large appendage as you probably know, but I have had it for long enough to know that size doesn't matter when it comes to love and relationships.
     
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  14. minskminx

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    OK, what would I do if I was your wife?

    Well, first of all not once did you say you had any feelings of love for me and you don't find me attractive.
    Secondly, that you've cheated on me with various other women.
    Thirdly, that you'd divorce me if not for financial considerations.

    I think a lot of the problems in this relationship are your wives, not yours.