What are your thoughts/views on cheating/infidelity?

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by Texas_Red, Dec 1, 2010.

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What is your view on cheating/infidelity?

  1. Cheating is acceptable.

    1.8%
  2. It depends on the reasoning.

    32.1%
  3. Cheating is unacceptable.

    66.1%
  1. Texas_Red

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    For those who may not be familiar, this topic is rooted in another recent topic titled do women look for sexual encounters with married men. The thread got somewhat derailed at the end with debate and point/counter-point in regards to the ethics of cheating, some people arguing that it is okay, others that it isn't.

    I'd like to ask for everyone's opinion on the subject, and welcome debate and point/counterpoint.

    I think I made my views pretty clear in the other thread, but for the sake of not forcing people to go there to read, I am of the mind that there is never a good excuse to cheat on your partner. Only you are in control of your life and the choices you make, and unless someone is holding a gun to your head, it's ultimately up to you whether you cheat or not.

    I do not necessarily think that everyone who cheats is a bad person. People do make bad choices in moments of weakness, and I do think there can be extenuating circumstances which might lead to such behavior, even if it does not justify it. But in the end, the act itself is selfish, and a huge betrayal of trust. There are always other alternatives, and things that one can do. It pretty much doesn't matter how you slice it, cheating is cheating. There is not excusing it or justifying it. If you want sex with someone else, then you need to either discuss it, or break things off, or seek an open relationship, or something else. But if you make the choice to be with one person, that's it. Regardless of religion or anything else, you yourself make a commitment to the other person to be true. You don't get to decide when that commitment applies and does not apply.
     
    #1 Texas_Red, Dec 1, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2010
  2. loveit247

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    Thank you for starting this. Now lets hope we can continue an adult, civil discussion airing all points of view.

    I think cheating is totally unacceptable. It is abusive to your partner and a complete selfish act. I think that cheaters are people who have very little moral standing and only care about themselves. It degrades people and shows no respect for the sanctity of human relationships.

    Someone has placed their trust in you, you go and fuck someone else. Nothing much is more hurtful then that.

    I would pity a cheater for being such a weak and immoral human being, but they don't deserve it.

    Some people seem to think that culture plays a role. I call BS on that. Here in Africa, like anywhere else, many men cheat, it cuts the women of those communities to the quick. The reason they often don't say anything or do anything is because those women are stuck in that situation. The man being the primary bread winner holds control. So while it happens, it is most certainly not accepted.

    Cheating is not only morally unacceptable, it is also dangerous. Think culpable homicide. You knowing run around screwing everything with a pulse you have a high chance of bringing HIV into bed. It is irresponsible and selfish.
     
  3. Jonger84

    Jonger84 New Member

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    Cheating can be justified but can never be accepted
     
  4. SWGirl

    SWGirl New Member

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    I think that it would take some pretty extenuating circumstances in order for cheating to ever be Justified; (but the acceptance of what I've just said still makes it "possible" so you're right).

    First, let's clarify what we mean by cheating. I mean cheating as having sex or being inappropriate with someone who is not your spouse, OUTSIDE of the agreed-upon terms of your relationship.


    I hate cheating. I hate it. I know women who's lives have been destroyed by it. Cheating is selfish and stupid in my opinion. Example time...

    Look at Tiger Woods. Douche bag. Screwed like 400 cocktail waitresses while he was married to his wife. Then she kicked his ass with a golf club, which was her right, as it's in the unwritten book of wife conduct. We would have also accepted rolling pins, his signed Barry Bonds Louisville, or any other sharp implement. If he wanted to screw 400 waitresses and send them pictures of his junk, then he should have stayed single. If he didn't know until after he was married, then he should have talked to her about it and asked for a divorce. If he thought divorce wasn't the answer and he still had those feelings, he should have kept it in his pants (tough shit; you can't have it both ways).

    Now look at Alexander Rodriguez. Bazillionaire. Playboy. He dates different girls every night. He's probably fucked girls 5 and 6 at a time. They're probably lining up outside his door at night stretching their mouths out and doing warm ups. And what do we say about him?
    "Oh A. Rod... you playboy, you..."
    And it's okay! He didn't GET married. He didn't TAKE vows in front of God and family to be faithful to one woman. VOWS. They're fucking VOWS! If you don't mean them, don't SAY them and deal with the consequences that that brings upon your relationships. But for crying out loud be an adult about it. Cheating is ridiculously low.
     
  5. luvbug

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    I totally agree with everyone. Cheating is unacceptable.....IMO there is NO REASON that would justify cheating. If you arent happy at home..if you arent being satisfied......whatever......talk to your SO.....if things dont get better and you just have to have some sex then you owe it to your SO to tell them and either hope they are ok with it or leave. They dont deserve to be cheated on.
     
  6. HayleyB

    HayleyB New Member

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    I'm lucky in that I am in a loving, but completely open relationship. I love my partner (Simon) and he loves me and we both accept that we have needs outside our own relationship. There is no jealousy or bad feeling involved. We put each other first and foremost and we have a wonderful relationship. I love Simon more than I can say and he feels exactly the same. We both feel that we are in a committed long term relationship and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with Simon. He has supported me through tough times and tough decisions and I have supported him too. Out relationship is one of equality and honesty. We are completely and totally open with each other about our sex lives, there are no secrets or lies and we talk everything through, so there is never any sense of betrayal or any need for jealousy.

    I know that life style isn’t for everyone, but for us it feels perfectly natural. Of could “cheat” on Simon, as he could on me – but the concept of lying to each other is quite alien to both of us. There simply is no need.

    I may have a bit of a limited view of relationships – as I have Aspergers Syndrome and find the more subtle complexities of human behaviour a bit more than a little confusing, but as I understand it – to cheat is to betray and betrayal is a breach of trust by lying. For me the betrayal wouldn’t be the act of sex – but the lie itself: As the great Friedrich Nietzsche once put it: “I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you”. So for me the lie is unacceptable – any lie is a betrayal.
     
  7. backcheck64

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    I agree, if you aren't happy, break up, then you're free to fuck whomever you like. If you cheat on me, don't even come home, much safer taht way, I'll ship whats left of your crap.
     
  8. Jonger84

    Jonger84 New Member

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    Well as I guy .. what I mean by a cheating to be justified or not .. is that I know some guys who are happy with their partners, yet always looking for another girl, like being addicted to cheating

    Other guys who are also happy with their girls do not look for other girls but they simply can not resist a seduction of another girl.

    In both cases cheating is unjustified .. and I think painful more than anything else you can imagine.


    Other reasons for cheating always end to the lack of communication between the partners , a guy can have a reason for cheating , yet it is not acceptable.

    Open conversation is always the ideal solution.. exposing feelings to each other frankly and hiding nothing .. to figure out weather they have a future together or not.
     
  9. Texas_Red

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    Oh extenuating circumstances or not, it is not justified. I merely believe that there could be extenuating circumstances that lead to infidelity that might allow one to look less harshly upon the person committing said infidelity.

    To use one of your examples in a hypothetical: Would you judge Tiger Woods ex-wife if she'd cheated on him in retaliation after finding out what he'd been doing? Sure, it's scummy and not at all justified because cheating is wrong, period. But you'd not judge her nearly as harshly for it would you? She's still wrong for doing it, and technically there should be punishment, but at the least you can see her reasons for doing such a thing.

    That is what I mean when I speak of extenuating circumstances. I admit it is a bit of a slippery slope, but I don't think it's all that out of line.
     
  10. Barbwire

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    I can't answer the question until I know what the OP's definiton of cheating is.
     
  11. Texas_Red

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    For the most part I'm looking at cheating as any kind of romantic or sexual involvement with another person outside of your partner who you are committed to. If you are seeing someone exclusively, engaged to be married, or are married and have no agreement for things to be sexually/romantically open and choose to engage in sexual congress or any other act of romance with someone who is not that partner, that is cheating.

    So in a nutshell, assuming you do not have your partners consent: Having sex or performing sex acts with someone who is not your partner would be cheating. Cybering would be cheating. Open mouthed/French kissing someone not your partner would be cheating. Sending/receiving nude photos to/from someone not your partner would be cheating, etc.
     
  12. SWGirl

    SWGirl New Member

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    Well as a guy .. what I mean by a cheating to be justified or not .. is that I know some guys who are happy with their partners, yet always looking for another girl, like being more than averagely inclined to cheating, but still responsible for the choices they make.

    Other guys who are also happy with their girls do not look for other girls but they simply succumb, in their weakness, to the temptation of another girl.

    *There, I fixed them for you. To say one is addicted to cheating is like saying I'm addicted to punching you in the face; ridiculous. You can't be addicted to cheating. You can be addicted to the compulsory actions and the specific neurotransmitter releases involved in sexual gratification, but that hardly gives you an excuse for sex let alone cheating.

    And no one is "Unable to resist the temptation of a woman". Otherwise women would rule the Earth. Period. Weak people are weak because it's easier than being strong and doing what's right. End of story.
     
  13. Jonger84

    Jonger84 New Member

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    Well cheating in general is when someone gives you his trust , and you perform an action against this trust and behind his back , when you know that this action will hurt him , and when you can not do it infront of him.
     
  14. Jonger84

    Jonger84 New Member

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    Addiction is when you keep doing an action that you know everytime that you will regret later, and yea .. some guys can not stop searching for girls and never get satisfied, and they regret it afterwords , they simply cant stop

    yea .. there are some weak guys in this world .. not everyone is the same

    but come on .. you are already ruling the earth ;)
     
  15. SWGirl

    SWGirl New Member

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    Yes. Yes I would judge her just as harshly. I've had friends who've done that exact thing. The, "He screwed someone else, so I'm going to too!" mentality. I've always said that, "When someone does something as incredibly low as cheating; do you really want to put yourself THAT far down, just so you'll be Even? There's a reason they call it The High Road."

    If my boyfriend murdered someone in cold blood, and in retaliation for him breaking my trust that he's a decent human being, I decide to murder someone else in cold blood, would the jury say, "Let's give her a break. After all, her boyfriend murdered someone first"? Hell no.

    When I speak of extenuating circumstances, I mean my friend Jasmine when we were 18. She was with a guy for a year and as soon as he proposed to her and she accepted, he turned into a nightmare. He turned incredibly possessive and beat her regularly. She'd always come around with bruises on her arms and legs.

    About 4 months after that started, she started talking with a guy we'd both been friends with our whole lives named Cory. They began talking, and she started seeing him out whenever they could. I know for a fact they never had sex, but they were definitely kissing and meeting each other for dates before she showed up with a big black eye. Cory and a big group of our guy friends found out about what was going on, went over to their house in the middle of the night, pinned him up against his living room wall and moved every bit of her stuff out of that house, + the living room television, - one engagement ring.

    They've been together now for 4 years and she has never been happier or felt safer and more loved in her life.

    Cheating? Technically yes. Extenuating circumstance? You bet your ass.
     
  16. SWGirl

    SWGirl New Member

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    This is completely false. If you have ANY doubts about it, I'll tell Steve when I get home and he'll give like a 5 page rundown on what an addiction REALLY constitutes and how what these womanizers do is in NO WAY considered a clinical addiction. It's just cheating.
     
  17. Jonger84

    Jonger84 New Member

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    its like addiction I mean
     
  18. htoad

    htoad Active Member

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    In my view cheating is never justified - perhaps understandable on why it would have occurred, but that still would not make it okay.

    I am defining cheating as doing something you know your spouse/partner/SO would not like and hiding it from them. If you spouse feels it is alright for you to kiss others, do webcam sex, dirty talk, and/or screw around with others, then you are not cheating on them because they accept your behavior in advance. If they are opposed to something and you do these things, then you are. If they refuse to give you sex and you go elsewhere, it is still cheating - perhaps justifiable if you warned them that this may happen. But the nobler thing would have been to end the relationship.

    I also think the issue an equal issue with "is it ever okay to cheat?", is "what should be the consequences of cheating?" There are those who feel there should not be any consequences, and I think that is more the problem. I am always amused when watching the program "Cheaters" on how many times, when the cheater is caught, they turn and blame the partner they cheated on, and do not expect any consequences as the result of their actions.

    I have just found that in my life - which may not apply to everyone - when I keep myself open and hold myself to a higher standard of trust with my wife, I get a lot more freedom and returned trust from her. That is a very comfortable way for me to live.
     
  19. SWGirl

    SWGirl New Member

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    I think the word you're searching for is Compulsion. It's like a compulsion. Something inside them TELLS them that they should go sleep with other women. Once they do this, they realize that it's wrong and feel badly for it, but that doesn't stop them from feeling the compulsion to do it.

    The problem with this comes when people try and use it as an EXCUSE. It is Not an excuse. It's a feeling that you have. Just because it's "ever-present" doesn't mean you get to act on it. Example time:

    Every SINGLE time Steve takes me to a nice uppity restaurant in town (the kind with white table cloths and well-dressed waiters) I want SO BADLY to rip his pants down, suck his dick, and make him fuck me on top of our table in front of all of the rich, snobby people. Every. Single. Time.

    I have never been arrested (for real), and I'm not a sex offender because I've never ACTED on this compusory fantasy. But low and behold, every time I go to the Eagle's Nest, I'm dreaming the whole time that he'll rip my boobs right out of my dress and fuck me stupid right there on the spot.

    Compulsory thought = difficult to resist.
    Compulsory thoughts do not equal addiction or excused action. If I'm in a courtroom defending my sexual display to a judge, I'm not going to say, "Well Your Honor, I think about it like, all the time; and felt compelled to do it."
     
  20. Texas_Red

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    I'm thinking there is a breakdown somewhere. In no way in my hypothetical am I saying that it would be okay for retaliatory cheating. I am merely stating that while it is just as bad, at the least you might understand and maybe have some compassion for her. Not that you would let her get off easier for it.

    This is exactly what I mean by extenuating circumstance(s). Technically, she was cheating. She didn't go all the way, but it was cheating. However, I think most people (myself included) would actually feel incredibly bad about having to punish that, considering the rest of the story. In fact, this would be one of those rare situations in which I think it would be fine to overlook what happened. Slippery slope for sure, but I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.