What advice would you give.

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by pool_shark, Jan 30, 2012.

  1. pool_shark

    pool_shark Active Member

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    What advice would you give, if any, to your friend in this situation?
    She has been with her new boyfriend for a year, but she still has feelings for her ex and fantasizes about him when she masturbates.
     
  2. 12barblues

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    we need to know which one of the 3 is your friend....??
     
  3. pool_shark

    pool_shark Active Member

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    What difference does that make?
    The object is to offer an unbiased opinion.
     
  4. 12barblues

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    if its the woman....i dont know what advice you can give to her.i know plenty of women that "fantasize" about men other than thier bf.the fact that she isnt with him anymore says she doesnt love him anymore so its just sexual fantasy....no biggie..
     
  5. pool_shark

    pool_shark Active Member

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    But she does have feelings for him, beyond the sexual fantasies.
    I guess you missed that part of my OP.

    She said she's confused because she doesn't want to hurt her bf, but she has feelings for her ex and often wonders how things would be if they had stayed together.
     
    #5 pool_shark, Jan 30, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2012
  6. 12barblues

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    if my friend were the present bf. i would would be talking to him about his sex life , because maybe there is a reason why his gf thinks about another man...maybe he needs to spice up their love life a bit and i would try to help with that.(without letting him know that i know what she's thinking about)
     
  7. 12barblues

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    and if my friend were the ex...i would tell him "nice job, dude....youre ex still fantasizes about you. ya big stud".....
     
  8. 12barblues

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    sorry. was typing when i should have been reading
     
  9. 12barblues

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    why did they split? was it mutual? or did he leave her?
     
  10. pool_shark

    pool_shark Active Member

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    Your opinion is biased based on who you're friends with, and you also left no room for her being the friend.

    I told her she owes it to herself to find out why she still has those feelings and thoughts, though I could not tell her how she's supposed to do that since she has a bf.

    I also told her if she is happy with her bf then she should stay put, but if the feelings and thoughts for her ex continue, she knows how to reach him.
     
  11. 12barblues

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    i guess the bottom line here is i probably dont know enough about her whole situation to say much about it...except i would just try to be there for her, so you can try to help her to get wherever it is that she needs to be . whether its with the ex, or with the present boyfriend.....i feel sorry for the present bf though, i'm sure he has no idea...
     
  12. Alwayslearningsex

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    I suspect there is something unresloved with her ex, no matter the reason she's not with him anymore. The other possibility her current BF leaves her unsatisfied in some ways, not necessarily the sex itself.
    Questions:
    Does she want to be back with her ex? (Why did it end?)
    Did she try to talk with her current BF about things? (Maybe not soon enough)

    I'd tell her to search her feelings, needs and wants. It's normal to fantacize though but when it invades and creates a longing there is a problem, not a fantasy.
     
  13. Wildwoman59

    Wildwoman59 New Member

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    I agree that your friend needs to figure out why she still has feelings for and fantasizes about her ex. After being together for a year, maybe the current relationship has become less exciting and more routine. She might be remembering only the good parts of her former relationship. It would be easier to give advice if we knew why she and the ex are no longer together. (Who decided to end the relationship, how long was she with the ex, how much time between boyfriends, etc) Obviously there some issues she needs to resolve.
     
  14. pool_shark

    pool_shark Active Member

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    She left him because he wouldn't commit to her the way she wanted him to do.

    Then she seemed to only care about, getting high, drinking and looking good.
    He wanted her to want more out of life. He wanted her to get her ged, control her temper, back off of the weed and alcohol.

    She left him shortly after she entered therapy for the new bf.
    Since therapy and her meds she has gotten her ged and wants to go to college.
    She tried to go back to the ex but since she left him for another man, he didn't want to talk to her.

    She has recently been in contact with her ex.
    She credits the new bf for her transition and says he was there for her and her kids and says she's a new person and doesn't want to leave him because he doesn't deserve it, but she still has the feelings and fantasies of the ex and she's confused.

    BTW, the ex she has feelings for is not the father of her kids, the ex that beat the shit out of her for 7 years and crushed her self esteem is the father.
     
    #14 pool_shark, Jan 30, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2012
  15. MILF_Rider

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    She needs to seperate the image of this first boyfriend from the actual person, because she is clinging to a fantasy not a real person. Until this is done, she will have attachments that will interfere with relationships.

    Ya know... You mention "her kids". With all due respect, if you think she's confused, how do you suppose they are. It may be too late, but kids shouldn't be an afterthought. The right thing for the kids kind of overrules the right thing for her ability to form a relationship, because unless there is some danger to the kids, the right thing for the kids might be with a relationship she already has while if there weren't kids, she'd probably be better leaving the past behind once she gets her head straight.
     
  16. 12barblues

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    well, i'l try and make a little more sense this time...
    i think that a good relationship has a lot of smaller qualities, that make up the whole...love, respect, communication, honesty, lust...and more.
    And it sounds to me like each of these men are filling SOME of those aspects, but not all, or enough to make a strong relationship. sounds like the present bf is a great friend to her and she has respect for him but something is lacking for her heart or maybe no "lust" for him...
    And maybe the ex didnt earn her respect? (the fact that the bf could get her to find help and he couldnt , makes me think that she didnt respect his opinion ??) But her rang her bell sexually....
    so i guess maybe she needs to find the RIGHT guy, and not feel that she only has to choose between these two? Maybe youre the right guy? you've stayed with her thru all this and cared enough to try and help her....

    also, i'm assuming the kids belong to neither of these two men? or no?
     
    #16 12barblues, Jan 30, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2012
  17. pool_shark

    pool_shark Active Member

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    I don't understand what you mean that the ex is not a real person.
     
  18. pool_shark

    pool_shark Active Member

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    I already stated that she was with her ex when she started therapy.
    The new bf didn't get her to seek help, she met him sometime after she started therapy and medication.
    I also already stated who the father was. I agree it sounds more like the bf is a good friend and she appreciates him for being there, and I told her that I understand her emotional attachment to him, but there must be something missing or something unfinished with her ex and she needs to somehow figure out what it is.
     
    #18 pool_shark, Jan 31, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2012
  19. 12barblues

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    yeah, i keep misreading your posts for some reason. my apologies.
    Seems like youre doing all you can for her though, i hope things work out for her and the children.