Was I out of order.

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by mikeh, Feb 4, 2012.

  1. mikeh

    mikeh New Member

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    I've been married 11 years, with a slight separation about 5-6years ago but we worked it out. Since that separation we have tried to have a good sex life to prevent any further issues. Hence having 2 more children since (both accidents).

    Now we have 3 children one still a baby and one a toddler who doesn't sleep sex is less often and usually rushed. I prefer to take my time on foreplay and make sure she has atleast 3 orgasms before we get down to penetration. But tiredness is killing all that.

    That's the introduction. Last night the mother in law had 2 of the children just leaving the baby who goes to bed early and wakes up for a feed at pretty much a set time. I made it clear to the wife that she was going to get one hell of a session while we had the chance.

    I finished work, collected a Thai takeaway as requested, went home had the meal with some wine and I was ready to give her a treat. I went to the kitchen for a refill, returned to the front room and she was fast asleep on the sofa, ok she'd been up since 5am but come on.

    So I went without and the last chance we will have for some time was lost.

    I decided to have a lay in. Went downtairs in the morning and the baby had gone for a nap. She had to go out in half hour and had just got out of the bath but wanted to make the most of the time. She was waling round in just her knickers and trying to get me turned on. I just ignored her and put Sky Sports on the television. She left with he hump.

    I say it's an eye for an eye as it isn't the first time. But was I wrong to blank her this morning?
     
  2. backcheck64

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    Yes you were out of order....a real douche move. Kids are rough at first. If you're helping around the house and with the kids, you should be exhausted too. Until the kids are a little older, forget regular and planned sex. You take what you can get when you can get it. They aren't little very long so put up with it.

    And how could you have THAT many accidents. Our second one was due to her not wanting to go back on the pill and a failed condom. After that it was taken care of permanently.
     
    #2 backcheck64, Feb 4, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2012
  3. pbs

    pbs
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    YES! Taking revenge and sniping are 2 of the most destructive forces in any relationship. You should be understanding and supportive of your wife. At the first opportunity, tell her that you're sorry for the way things went that morning, and that you appreciate her effort to make up for the night before. Hug her and tell her that you love her, and she will likely respond differently next time.

    Kids usually have a disruptive effect on any relationship, especially the sex part, until they leave the nest. I've heard it said that "couples have the opportunity to salvage what's left of their relationship after the kids leave home." Life as you knew it before the kids is over, and their wants and needs will dominate both of your lives for the foreseeable future.
     
    #3 pbs, Feb 4, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2012
  4. 12barblues

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    i agree with everyone so far....not a good move....but its easily resolved . apologize, and explain to her why you were frustrated. and talk about it. you know how exhausted you feel, i'm sure she's even more exhausted because of the additional duties of being a mother.( like breastfeeding),,,
    this kind of resentment and mind game( if this is how you react to all conflicts) can grow into something that can end a marriage...it sounds like this isnt usually how you react tho, and the fact that youre asking about it says you know it wasnt cool...so just talk it out..
     
  5. litemyfire

    litemyfire Member

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    I don't think you were out of line at all. I felt the same way and have tried the same thing myself in the past but don't get the idea it will change anything. She will act like nothing is wrong and you will just be left hurting and wondering why.

    It happened when our kids were growing up, just as you are going through now and it hasn't changed. From my perspective once the wife get's into that type of trend she may never come out of it. I always though that when the kids were grown and on their own it would be our time.............Boy did I figure wrong!

    Our kids are grown but now our grandchild is always underfoot so in a way nothing has changed........... When is it time for just us?

    The person above said their only little for a short time. Young or otherwise, kids take away from a couples relationship. I have two great kids and a grandchild that I love very much but you only live once, so when is it time for just my wife and I.

    Your wife might be tired and I understand that but I'm sure you had just as long a day as she did and you were still in the mind set that it was finally adult play time and if you are like me your plan was to ensure that she was going to experience a wonderful pleasurable time. I don't think you were being selfish as others may say. Quit the opposite you were looking forward to a very loving, close and giving time between the two of you.

    It gives you the feeling that she takes you and your sex life for granted especially when it's planed and she didn't give you any indication that anything would happen to change that plan. And all the while the anticipation and images of the night to come have been raging through your mind.

    Then that next morning. It's like she is giving you............ well I won't go there. She snubs you and the next morning wants to throw you a little crumb as if to say, here's a little I hope it's enough to smooth things out............got to go, see yah.............and later on she acts like nothing is wrong and can't understand why your in a bad mood.

    And being a man if you are like me you end up giving in and begrudgingly excepting the crumb because a little or lousy sex is better than no sex at all. This just adds to the turmoil going on in your head. It's a lousy feeling.

    I could go on about my opinion of what I believe is a woman’s thought process, and the way they perceive sex different than men but I won't because that would be far to much to explain in this thread.

    You are not alone....................I believe there's allot of us out there.

    Hope you can work thing out better than I have. Oh and before someones says you should talk with her and let her know what you feel or what your thinking. I say give it a try. I use to be a big fan of that philosophy. I talked and listened till I was blue in the face. I have given up on that process. it hasn't worked for me. Now if there is going to be a meaningful conversation between us then she is going to have to start it.

    And something else I have come to hate is always being asked "what's wrong" when she knows perfectly well what has been eating at me for years.

    All the talking and listening has not changed anything. When I say listening that means if she has anything to say. When I try to have a meaningful conversation she rarely will speaks up and I have begged her to talk to me to no end.

    As you can see from my Avatar and other threads I have contributed to I have struck out on my own in some unusual ways to fill the sexual void I feel. Not to say that's for everyone it's just the way I have dealt with it.

    Good luck...................I hope it get better for you.
     
  6. 12barblues

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    i always find myself preaching "communication" as the answer...maybe what i should be preaching is "finding the right woman that you can 'communicate' with" ?? i spent 30 years with someone that i couldnt talk to . Now i have someone that i share perfect communication with. With my ex, that situation would have been identical for us....with my gf, she would have simply said.." i know we planned this for tonight ,but i'm exhausted and wouldnt even enjoy it right now. why dont you go watch a little internet porn and take care of yourself tonight, and i promise i'll wake you up with my lips around your cock in the morning....",
    i dont know, i just wish people could find a way to communicate better. but for 30 years i couldnt, so i understand...
     
  7. litemyfire

    litemyfire Member

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    Yah, communication it comes in allot of different forms not just verbal.

    So you suggest I leave my wife to find someone I can communicate better with?????

    I don't think that's is going to happen. Maybe that was the answer for you and your ex but not for my wife and I.

    I actually have a whole lot more I could say on the original subject but my reply was already long enough. I would love to debate the subject more with you.

    For example, When my wife and I first got together and our relationship was growing I had the foresight at that young age to know the overwhelming feeling of euphoria that both feel and leads to what we call love doesn't last forever and that in a relationship both must work at keeping it fresh, desirable, and alive. I communicated this with her at that time and have reminded her of this over the years. She always indicated that she agreed but her actions speak louder than her words. I have been married for 33 years.

    I don't believe the author of this thread should go begging for his wife's forgiveness as suggested and I did indicate to him to try the communication route. If both are giving in the relationship then maybe she should be the one to apologize and put forth more effort to keeping their relationship strong.

    Oh yah, as for your GF waking you up with a BJ to make it up to you, well that's great but I have had so many of that exact kind of morning instead of a full evening of enjoying each other as I so much desire and she knows it, that I don't even enjoy being woke up that way any more. Just a way for my wife to get sex out of the way so it won't be an issue later or so I guess she thinks.

    I guess I sound harsh towards my wife but I do love her very much in-spite of the absence of what I consider to be a viable sex life.
     
  8. 12barblues

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    maybe you misunderstood my comments.. they werent directed at anyone in particular. And i would never tell someone to leave their wife, unless maybe that person was a very close friend and had confided in me every thing about their situation.....one cant possibly give sound , advice based on a couple of paragraphs. ( yet thats what we do here.) What i was trying to say was , it's too bad that couples cant seem to communicate, or reach a good compromise for all of the situations that arise in a long term relationship. when we enter into it we all believe we can do it but somewhere along the way men and women seem to start speaking two different languages.... after 30 years my marriage failed. and i had to leave her. i didnt want to..i have two children, i gave up my home , and many friends.....she had issues and i had to leave (after leaving she got some help and was diagnosed as bi-polar...) so , i know i sound like "la-di da' if we all just talk , it'll be wonderful!" but reality is , most times , it isnt. i guess i just wish there were a way to know , before you spend 30 years trying...
     
  9. somhairle

    somhairle Well-Known Member

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    Think about it. Do you really want it to escalate into something you will regret? Is it worth that? make up first chance you get.
     
  10. Wildwoman59

    Wildwoman59 New Member

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    I agree with PBS. I think you were wrong to respond that way but do understand your frustration and disappointment. Having children definitely changes things in a relationship and sleep deprivation is a major problem when your kids are little.

    I don't think your wife intentionally sabotaged your planned night of pleasure but your behavior was a conscious payback. You should definitely have a conversation about how you felt and why you didn't respond to her attempts the next morning. It is important for the two of you to work on and come (or should I say cum?) up with ways to nurture your relationship. I don't think having children necessarily kills a couple's sexual relationship, it just gets more complicated and you have to get a little more creative. The word "quickie" comes to mind when I think back on when my daughters were little.(lol)

    Maybe your next date night could begin with a couple hours of relaxing or napping. (I'm not joking when I say that.) After that you could take a sensual shower together, and then be re-energized to enjoy a night of passionate sex.
     
  11. kinda_hung

    kinda_hung New Member

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    About 2.5 yrs ago I was in the same relationship with my wife. She would pay more attention to the children and dogs. I communicated to her several times what I needed from our relationship! Many times over through the yrs! Finally 2.5 yrs ago I told her , its either me or the kids! If you can't pay me one bit of attention I'd either leave or find another woman that would! Our sexual relationship is pretty good and getting better. We have sex 3-4 times a week usually.
     
  12. Black_Magic83

    Black_Magic83 Member

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    This is a major reason why I do not want children, because I would not want to be too tired to please my man. Plus, when you have children sex is no longer spontaneous, unless you have someone look after them for the night. It will seem scheduled like household chores and sometimes rushed in case one of them screams for attention etc.
     
  13. backcheck64

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    If both work to take care of the kids and house it isn't that much of a problem...and really only for the first three or four years. After that, things can pretty well go back to normal if you want them to.
     
  14. pbs

    pbs
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    This is why my wife and I have no children. The most important thing to each of us is the happiness of the other, and it's been that way for 37 years now. We both knew this couldn't happen with kids right from the start.

    I think many people have kids before they realize what impact they can have on their lives.
     
  15. Wildwoman59

    Wildwoman59 New Member

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    Yes, they are a huge responsibility, take up your time, and affect your sexual relationship, at least for a while. But children are also one of the greatest joys in a person's life. I can't imagine my life without my daughters and I would gladly give up my life for them. When you have children you learn and grow as a person and each stage of their life is a different learning experience. I didn't consider myself a particularly maternal person but once my first daughter was born-- it all changed.

    I believe a person can be devoted to, love, and maintain a healthy relationship with both their SO and their children. I won't say it's easy and it does take a strong commitment from both people to make it work. But again, IMHO it is sooooo worth it.

    I believe a person shouldn't have a child or feel pressured to have children unless they want them. I respect the decision of someone who chooses not to have children if they do not want to take on the responsibilities of parenthood. You may change your mind at a later date but you may not. People have to make the choices that are right for them.
     
  16. Wildwoman59

    Wildwoman59 New Member

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    I rerwad your post and saw the "we've been married for 37 years" part. I guess you won't change your mind. (lol) Duhhhhhhh... Time for me to put on my reading glasses.
     
  17. pbs

    pbs
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    :lol I know the feeling.
     
  18. backcheck64

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    I agree too many people have kids before they are ready. We were together 15yrs, married 9 yrs before we decided to have kids. We pretty well knew what we were getting into, the negatives and the huge amount of positives. That's why kids had a minimal impact on our sex lives...and lives in general. We still went skiing, traveled heavily, took them everywhere. My wife has breastfed on a NY subway, I had my son iceskating Rockefeller Center at 22 months old, they are 13 and 15 now and have seen the US and Canada from coast to coast...Europe is next.

    I wouldn't trade my two for anything. The joy you get when you watch them kick ass at A level hockey, rip 70mph goals in HS lacrosse, perform in the orchestra, shred a Mt on a snowboard, boogie board a great wave in the Atlantic, and maintain litterally perfect grades their entire lives of school. Neither of my sisters had kids but they like to spend time with mine...and you can see regret in their eyes. We lived life before kids, lots of parties, concerts, and travel...and the parties and concerts get old after a while...and you can easily travel with kids, well, until they hit middle school and high school, then you can go back to traveling without them....pisses my daughter off when we go to Florida for a week without her LOL.
     
  19. xeniadraven

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    We went through a rough patch after our first son was born where i felt more mother than lover. With communication, lots of patience on my OH's part and understanding on mine, we made it through and have a wonderful relationship now.
    We have 2 sons age 3 and 5 and altho sex isnt spontaneous as it was before children it is just as much fun having a sneaky fondle in the kitchen whilst the kids are in the play room and we send each other naughty messages thoughout the day so the anticipation grows until the kids finally go to bed.
    We make it work because we want to.
    My children and my husband and my dog are my life and all their needs are met, its my job x
     
  20. pbs

    pbs
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    :tup