Wanna Make My Man Happy AGAIN

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by FlirtyChick, Oct 11, 2007.

  1. FlirtyChick

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    Hey all,

    I have been married 11 years, and I totally still LOVE my hubby. I have not always been a good girl though, and I just want to help get us back to where we were. I think he still loves me enough that we can make it work. We have great sex, and my favorite thing is giving him a blow job! I actually get off on it. (Trying to get the guys votes here!) My issues are that I am demanding, short tempered, clinically depressed, stressed out, and not always outwardly appreciative and respectful, although I feel that on the inside. I can also be jealous, and I used to snoop, but that is over because I saw things his way for one and realized that I was wrong on both counts. I boast to everyone about my wonderful man, but he doesnt think I feel that way. When we first met, my smart ass mouth and brash sense of humor made him chuckle. Now it makes him cringe. Not to mention my dramatic outbursts. I am really going through extra stress right now with a serious illness in my family, and it is all taking a toll. How can I make my hubby feel like number one again?? I am afraid that he may leave me if I don't shape up. I just don't know how. Did I mention that I swallow????
     
  2. Bluesy

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    Honey, if he's with you because you swallow, he's a shallow cad indeed :eyes What I mean by that is, you wouldn't want to be with a guy who stays in a relationship for such superficial reasons. You shouldn't be performing sex acts you don't really want to just to hang onto him, for that matter--that's a sign of a seriously flagging sense of self-respect. (Not saying that you don't enjoy it; for all I know it's one of your favorite things in the world.)

    What you need to do is start taking better care of you. Are you on medication? Are you in some type of intensive counseling program? Take care of your emotional needs and you'll become a better partner. That's where your focus should be right now.
     
  3. Buffalo204

    Buffalo204 Member

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    I'd say first tell him what you just told us and then seek help. Not just with your marriage. You spoke of several things that a good counselor may well be able to help with. Good luck.:):) Had another thought, copy your post and read it each morning so you will remember where you want to go.
     
  4. Barbwire

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    Some of what you said really hit close to home. I have had similiar life experiences and feelings of dispair, lack of self-control, and poor self-esteem. I am not saying I am all better now and am an ideal wife, but I have found that as I've aged that I can't make anyone else happy until I am happy.

    I would seek counseling for yourself first, then, once you've learned to deal with your issues, go for marriage counseling. Another thought, your husband might need to seek help too, in how to deal with your emotional needs. I know women like us are hard to live with.
     
    #4 Barbwire, Oct 12, 2007
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2007
  5. djmercer1

    djmercer1 New Member

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    your comments really struck home for me, except that in my marriage i was the crass/cruel party. my actions, though i thought werent a problem, actually made my wife feel as if we were roommates--not a couple.

    my story is here on sf, but to make a long story short, my wife eventually got fed up and started living her own life. this caused some major problems when she was at a party and someone made advances towards her. weve gotten past this with the help of friends/family, marriage counselling and the good people here.

    my advice would be for you to take a good look at youself in the mirror and dont disregard the warning signs like i did. hopefully you relationship wont end up in as much trouble as mine did---you may not always get a second chance.
     
  6. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Interesting thread. My wife can be quite...um...difficult sometimes, so I can probably understand how your mate probably feels. Is this not-so-pleasant behavior something you engage in all the time, or is it pretty infrequent? How does he react to it?

    It seems like you're heart must be in the right place given you've posted this question. If you've been married 11 years and he's still there, I'd say that's an awefully good sign that his heart is likely in the right place too...he probably realizes that married couples have to accept the good with the bad, so at least you got that going for you. Seems like we all go through peaks and valleys, and that's just the way it is. Sometimes people simply can't help it that they're difficult to get along with. (I know I have a hard time helping some of my tendencies.)

    Here's my immediate thought though...there's a book called "The Five Languages of Love"...my wife introduced me to that book and I feel like it's really helped us. In a nutshell, the love langauges we all "speak" are: affirming words, touch, quality time, acts of service, and gifts. Some folks only "speak" one or two of them, some folks "speak" all of them to differing degrees. Now, this hasn't fixed all of our problems, but it sure feels like it helped. At least we have some basis for *trying* to understand each other (and it sure seems like that's half the battle right there). So, read that (get him to read it to if he's willing), figure out what his main love language(s) is/are, then apply it. And poor it on in abundance! I learned that my main love language is "affirming words" (although I seem to have a little bit of all five, especially touch and quality time). For instance, my wife used to (not sure if she still does) tell folks that I'm a wonderful husband, and that really made me feel quite loved. (Early on, she wrote me a lot of love letters, and boy I can see how that drew me right in!) Now sometimes, I wish she'd just dump a whole slew of positive things about me to ME! I've realized that I really respond to people in my life who lift me up (and that includes my wife, friends, and family). I'm pretty sure that if she did that just a little more frequently and sincerely, it would really make a difference to me...it would really offset some of those times when she's dumping all her frustrations and angers on me. Now, it's not that I'm some needy sniveling spineless jellyfish or anything...I'm actually pretty thick-skinned, but...if someone wants to make me feel loved, pouring out some affirming words is the quickest path to accomplishing that. My wife's cup is usually half-empty (rather than half-full...which is something I'm actually trying to figure out how to help her with...I'm screwing up left and right however, but maybe I'll get it right one day), so it's very easy for a negative comment to slip right out of her mouth without her even realizing it...sometimes even positive comments are wrapped in some kind of negativity (for instance, many times she'll complement me while putting herself down...that just doesn't fill the old love-tank...it actually makes me feel guilty rather than loved because I truly want her to feel good about herself).

    So, figure out what his love languages are and poor it on maybe a little heavy (and hopefully, it won't be gifts, that could get expensive!) Just make sure you keep it sincere. Most people can tell when you're blowing smoke versus being sincere, and I would seriously doubt that insincerity would have the desired effect.

    In a nutshell, what I'm saying is that if you can't stop some of your unpleasant behaviors, try offsetting them with more effort into actually making him feel loved.

    Oh, and get him to read the book too if you can. If he won't read it at first, don't nag. Tell him you're going to read it to figure out how you can better make him feel loved...if you actually demonstrate it, you'll get his attention and he might want to go read the book too. Don't say "read this book so you'll know how to make me feel loved"...don't make it about you, make it about him. (In other words, set the example.) If you make it about him, he'll be much more likely to make it about you too (unless he's totally self-centered, which is possible...but then, you probably wouldn't care enough to post this question if he were completely self-centered, right?).

    Don't know how valid all this is, but that's my thoughts! HTH!

    BassDude
     
  7. FlirtyChick

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    I appreciate all your thoughts and advice. I have decided that I am going BACK to counseling and hopefully get my meds adjusted too. I am hard to live with, but not as much when I don't loathe myself. I don't want to be this way, I just am. I do love my husband, (all blow job jokes aside, althought I actually DO get off on it!), He is a kind and caring man, and he deserves to be treated with the same love and respect that he used to get from me. Hopefully I can pull out an about face before he just gets fed up.

    Thanks!!!!!!
     
  8. Barbwire

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    That's wonderful news! Good for you, hon! Please keep us posted on your progress, we care about you here. ((hugs))