Wait Time & Moving On

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by 10_3XL, May 13, 2014.

  1. 10_3XL

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    So, for those that hadn't gathered it already (and who care :p) The Lady and I are quits. That's a whole story for another time. Suffice to say it ended, it was messy, and now I'm dealing with the Break-Up Blues. Anyway...

    My question is:
    After a serious and committed relationship is there an appropriate "Wait Time" before you start the process of moving forward? I admit to searching around and looking for "casual" hookups (nothing serious or long-term at the moment), but this has been making me feel guilty and like more than a bit of an asshole. As though, by looking for a "rebound," I'm somehow negating how strongly I felt/feel for The Lady and our (now former) relationship.

    Is it wrong for me to be "moving on" already? Is there an "appropriate" or "normal" amount of time for someone to hold off from looking around after the end of a relationship? Is it sleazy or "an asshole move" for me to already be looking around?

    Interested to get people's thoughts/advice on this...
     
  2. JonJo

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    There is no such thing as an 'appropriate waiting time' - nature will take its own time and take you with it, no matter how long or short that time might be.
    You may foil nature in its efforts by dwelling on the past, or fighting against it thinking that what you are feeling is 'wrong' but nature will eventually win.
    There is nothing wrong or any reason to feel like an asshole, providing that you are doing nothing wrong and being one.
    You are a young man with a young man's natural needs, nothing wrong there, and to try to deny them would be wrong.
    By going forwards you are in no way negating the past, that can't be done - what was, was and cannot be changed.
    There is no wrong in holding fond memories of the past, to try to forget them is (virtually) impossible - you are not a computer and your memory cannot easily be wiped BUT 'new programs' can be added, in fact, must be for life to on.
    No matter how hard or deep cutting the loss life will and must go on, if you let it.

    I have suffered a loss as hard and deep as it is possible to suffer so that is from my experience.

    Something else from my experience: Be careful; it is so easy when suffering from a loss, or on the rebound from a failed relationship, to think you have found a replacement, you may not have. As an engineer; just because a bolt goes in a hole it ain't necessarily the right fit'.

    Take care my friend: go forth and prosper.
     
  3. backcheck64

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    I couldn't tell you what is appropriate or not. Until I met my wife, my radar was always up and looking. I'd dated a few girls that were close to "Her", but something was a little off and I knew it so I was constantly looking. I don't think I'd gone a week since I was 15 with at least a fuck buddy. I'd say get back on the horse as quickly as possible.
     
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  4. AGFUNK

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    Do what feels right to you. I personally never got into a serious relationship after a bad break up. However I did have plenty of fuck buddies because you know needs. I made damn sure that they knew that was all it was, sex. You shouldn't feel guilty. It didn't work out, most relationships don't. No sense wallowing in it.
     
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  5. Cappy_Dick

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    There is no rules about this. Humans make up stupid rules about sex and relationships. They are all a bunch of hooey and/or superstition. The dates/sex rule is by far the stupidest one in my book. Though the number is often regional, so many people go the rule of "I can't have sex with her/him until we have X number of dates". If you have sex with someone on your first date and he/she and they say after that "I can't respect you because you had sex with me right away", what they are really saying is "I only wanted a one night stand, not a relationship". Seriously... if someone was that worried about "respect", they wouldn't have fucked you in the first place. Personally, my most memorable sex partners were ones that the mutual attraction was so great that sex happened on the first or second encounter. Probably the least sexually compatible was a woman I courted for weeks before I got laid. I only had one bad experience with someone who sex happened with right away, as they became toxic-ally possessive and I never got together with her again.

    That said, let's get back to you. This was a serious relationship, so you would be wise to take some time to re-connect to yourself. Relationships are compromises, so you need to step away from what you did just to make her happy. You need some time to reflect on why things went wrong and what you might do differently next time. It could take a week or two, or it could take several months. Everyone is different. Every situation is different. If you don't feel ready, you probably are not.

    Often the sexual urges heal before the heart does. That's normal and it's ok, so long as you are honest with yourself and any prospective play mates. It's better to be honest that you're not ready for anything serious yet and get turned down, than it is to see someone who's getting attached to you and you're not ready/interested in that. All that will amount to is another breakup that wasn't fair to her.

    Remember also that humans are sexual creatures. Men and women are usually attracted by someone they can see themselves having sex with. Just because the sex is good doesn't mean an emotional relationship will work. The best relationships often form out of a casual relationship. Being able to get to know each other and enjoy each other without a lot of pressure can breed something lasting

    xx
     
  6. Alwayslearningsex

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    One simpleanswer: you move on when you are ready, now or later.
    I wish you the best in this.
    Hookup sex is not really a rebound but maybe a pick up for the morale. Just be honest with the ladies even if it leads to missing out on an opportunity, this way you will feel like you're not being an asshole.
     
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  7. MissJuicy

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    first off sorry to hear.

    Secondly I think most other people have said exactly the same, there is no "right time" move on when your ready to whether it's a one night stand or turns out to be more it's your life and you will know when it feels right and who with.

    There's no crime in moving on or taking your time either.
     
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  8. GreyGoose

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    The wait time is as long as it takes you to find another lady that says yes. My grandmother told me one time after my ex abd I broke up the only way to get over a girl is to get under another one unless you don't like that positionthen get behind her...
     
  9. backcheck64

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    She sounds like my grandmother....
     
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  10. BritneyButt

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    I'm having a hard time dealing with my break up .
     
  11. 10_3XL

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    Yeah, definitely not an easy thing. But we move on... kind of a necessity. I've heard, "Change is the essential process for all existence" - and I believe that.

    Plus, just look at all the support that can be found if you just reach out!
     
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  12. backcheck64

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    That's why they call it a "break up", not a "don't let the door hit you in the ass". Think of all of the stuff he did that pissed you off, that might ease the break up.
     
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  13. 10_3XL

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    Probably not the "healthiest" approach - but damned effective. :)
     
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  14. Joys

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    First off, sorry for your break up.
    Is there an appropriate "Wait Time" for any mourning??? As all above said, it's all up to you and your feelings. I assume this was a serious relation for you and someone you loved and cared about (probably still do). It's not easy to get over that but you know it better that you eventually will.

    There's nothing wrong searching around and looking for "casual" hookups. After all, you're not shutting yourself in a monastery are you??
     
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  15. 10_3XL

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    Unless there is some sort of sex-worshipping and "active" monastery somewhere in the world, then ABSOLUTELY NOT! Hahaha! :D
     
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  16. lbushwalker

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    10-3XL I am not you so cannot answer that question except to place myself in you shoes but with my own values.
    I would do as Grey Goose's wise grandmother suggested but not "push" but instead waiting for things to happen naturally yet always being open and on the look out.
    You have wit, intelligence and interesting conversations therefore well geared for success.
    The way to a woman's heart (read in or under her nickers) is easiest with humour I have noticed :)
     
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  17. lbushwalker

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    10_3XL, now gerroff here and go get em!
     
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  18. Untamed

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    Sorry about your break up those can be so tough.

    Don't deal with it the way I did lol

    Surround yourself with good mates go out and meet people if an opportunity arises I say go for it (taking necessary precautions of course).

    No wait time for getting in there again IMO... although there is courtesy that can be taken as in not flaunting it front of your former SO.
     
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  19. luvbug

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    Sorry to hear of your breakup * HUGS*

    There is no right or wrong time.
    You will know when you are ready... Whether it's a one night stand or a serious relationship.
    Things happen for a reason.

    Good luck.
     
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  20. MrMrsBiggerblast96

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    No such thing as a wait time, just get out into the world and you will discover someone or they'll discover you. Life is full of ups and downs, enjoy the ride.

    Best wishes for as easy of a break up as possible and best of luck in getting lucky ;)

    -Mr. & Mrs. B
     
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