Virtually sexless marriage - wits end

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Altec, Dec 8, 2008.

  1. Altec

    Altec New Member

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    I met my wife a few years ago and we fell in love straight away. We were married six months after our first date. I adore her, and every aspect of relationship is perfect - apart from the fact she is not interested in sex at all. We have had intercourse 3 or 4 times in 4 years.

    At first it wasn't a big deal; our relationship was so good it didn't really bother me for a long while. Gradually it's got worse and worse for me. Now I'm at my wits end.

    She says she's "normal" and tries to put the blame on me by saying I don't do enough to get her interested. I'm perfectly happy to admit this IS partly the case - I definitely should do more instead of just expecting sex when I'm in the mood. The trouble is, unless I bring the subject up we never talk about it. Surely it's not 100% down to me? Usually if I bring the subject up she gets sad and moody and I end up feeling guilty and like it's all my fault....she somehow makes me believe I'm at fault.....then a while later I'll be thinking "how did that happen....again?". I rarely even bring the subject up anymore - it's just not worth the trouble it causes. However, I know that is counter-productive.

    She suffers from anxiety attacks and bouts of mild depression (she is on Zoloft for both of those) and always has to be in in her "cozy place" or she gets stressed. Unfortunately, an intimate physical relationship seems to fall into the stress category, despite my efforts to make it otherwise. I don't know what I can do about this.

    I used to give her oral sex fairly often and she would always orgasm (I'm 99% sure she wasn't faking...) but we don't even do that anymore - she told me she didn't want it anymore because she didn't enjoy it :uhh:

    We managed to have intercourse last week, which I thought went OK. But the next day she was sad and moody and said she didn't enjoy it at all because, even tho she was perfectly willing and seemed to enjoy it (somewhat), apparently I virtually forced myself on her and ended up having to admit I had been selfish.....just to end the fight :(

    Another problem is this; she's suggested some ways I could get her in the mood - let's say a massage. Well, I try and give her a massage and she immediately assumes that means I want sex. So, of course, she then becomes defensive and moody. In fact, I can do something totally spontaneous - I bought her flowers and chocolates and cooked a nice meal....I didn't even think about sex.....I just wanted to do something nice and romantic. What happened? She started acting on edge and told me she thought I expected sex in return :nerv

    I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so sexually frustrated it's killing me. I see a pretty girl walking down the street and I could almost cry it's that painful. I'm at the point where I don't know if it's my fault, her fault, both our faults.....my head is spinning. And I just don't feel like I can bring the situation up with her anymore - I can't handle the guilt, moods and friction is causes.

    And just for the record; I'm not some jerk. I'm a good husband - I'm caring, I'm romantic, I always put her first no matter what.

    So....some advice would be most welcome. Or I don't know how much longer I can go on like this!
     
  2. Rocket Queen

    Rocket Queen New Member

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    hugs to you hon

    My only suggestion would be couples counselling. I think you would both benefit from it greatly... it would a great forum for you both to air your grievances.

    I can understand where you are coming from and I also can see where she is coming from.

    Sex is an important part of many marriages (I only say many as there are a few happy sexless marriages out there) if both couples place it high on the important list... it is high on yours, but not your wife's.

    Is she tired from working and looking after the kids? Do you do enough around the house? Is she ever romantic to you? Do you ever take time for yourselves collectively as a couple and individually?

    I am a believer in putting yourself first. I always put myself first, my marriage second and our family third. Basically I think, if I'm not happy - how can I be happy within my marriage and if our marriage isn't good - how can we be loving and good parents.

    You guys might want to write a list of what you are happy and unhappy with in your relationship and swap lists and go through your list one by one... each of you taking turns.... if you go to a counsellor they will direct the flow of conversation.

    Good luck!
     
  3. Altec

    Altec New Member

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    Thank you

    We don't have kids yet - definitely hope to one day though.

    I do all the housework right now actually. She works full time and I'm a part-time (about to be full-time) student. She doesn't get particularly stressed about her job - she loves it actually.

    We both do romantic things for each other, yeah. Really, apart from this one issue our relationship is perfect. But this is a big issue for me, unfortunately.

    I do totally see where she's coming from - and I'm very understanding. However, I guess I feel she should make the effort to meet me half way on the issue, for want of a better phrase. Instead I dare not even talk about it :(

    I've thought about counseling. Is it expensive? We're just about to move house and we can't afford much right now - especially with me being a student for the next couple of years.

    Thank you so much for your reply!
     
  4. Dreama

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    I know that my college offers its students (even its married ones like myself) insurance and provides counseling services-couples and individuals. Could you look into something like that? I know that not every college does this, but it's just a suggestion.
     
  5. igor

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    Yes - you two (especially her) needs counseling! Stop putting any blame on yourself. I went thru 4 years of no sex, then she had "an awakening" of sorts. Now it's back to the same old problems again. I guarantee it won't be another 4 years.
     
  6. ninja08hippie

    ninja08hippie Official SF Hugger
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    I'm serious when I ask this. Was she ever raped?
    3 or 4 times in 4 years seems a little extreme, perhaps sexual intercourse reminds her of something bad that happened to her once, maybe she's kept it hidden all this time. I really hope that isn't the case. :(

    Relationship counseling sounds like something that you need, I'd find the money for it. Part of a healthy relationship is a healthy sexual relationship.
     
  7. cbrmale

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    The once a month to once a year scenario is surprisingly common amongst married couples and doesn't imply sexual trauma in the slightest. Almost always it is the man wishing sex and his wife refusing. So common is this scenario that some recent studies have been undertaken as to why the Western female libido declines so rapidly at anything from 4 to 7 years of marriage. Initial research has discovered that women who are married to men who are notably better educated (eg university graduate husband, non university graduate wife) do not suffer the same degree of libido decline. Similarly with men who are notably successful in earnings power (in my country this would mean a man earning, say, $150,000 plus) compared to their wives.

    It is felt that women married to such a man regard him as a good catch, and use sexual favours to keep him. Of course this does not in the least imply that all long-term sexually active women belong to this scenario.

    Having digressed, I too suggest counselling. But I suggest keeping an open mind about the outcomes of counselling, as I personally believe there is a strong link between complete love the way I know love, and sex. That is, if you really, really, really love someone, then you will always want to have sex with them. Some mistake friendship-companionship love as something more than it is. I 'loved' some girls in my younger days, and then I met someone quite different, and only then did I discover what LOVE really meant. And decades later,the sexual passion hasn't abated.

    Keep an open mind with the counselling, but my feeling is that this relationship isn't meant to be. But on the other hand, I am a university graduate earning well into six figures, so maybe my magnificent sex life is falling within the theory I outlined above. I know the one thing that recharges love is good sex; and we all feel closer to our partners after loving sex. And the one thing that fuels dis-love is a lack of sex. Has my degree has earned me more than my career and income?
     
  8. loveit247

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    As someone on Zoloft, let me tell you this, it MURDERS your sex drive. You feel anxious about physcial intimacy and it makes you feel stressed. There is a medication that counters this. It is called Molopaxin. Your wife should speak to her doctor about this. It is totally treatable. That is just one option you may consider.
     
  9. smileygal

    smileygal New Member

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    I was thinking the medication is an issue too. I think you both need to make a visit to her doctor and discuss the problem.
     
  10. bliss0027

    bliss0027 New Member

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    yeah i don't think this is merely a sex drive difference......and sex only 3 or 4 times in 4 years........you're both to blame for letting it go on for so long with out making some serious changes.......however i can understand that after sooo long and soooo little sex, that when you do have sex, expectations are to high, there is to much pressure, probably not the best situation for a love-making session.

    Besides counseling......which is a great idea, try something different than "just fucking"......remember when you were a teenager and you could mess around for hours....making out, touching, rubbing, licking, groping....try to be intimate with your wife, but with no expectations of sex. try to build both your desires over time, and hopefully after a while you can ease back into the whole intercourse thing

    I had a similar situation with my ex, we hadn't had sex in so long that when we tried there was just to much pressure, neither one of us could relax enough to just enjoy the time we were spending together.....we were missing out on the whole point of sex......in the end we never really dealt with it and the relationship eventually imploded.

    Don't try to get right back into the same kind of sex you were having before.....you two have obviously grown apart sexually, you need to work your way slowly into having the kind of sex life you want. it's not any easy road but if you both want your marriage to work, you need to be completely open and realistic with each other. If you don't deal with this, it WILL end your marriage.