virgin with older boyfriend

Discussion in 'General Sex Discussion' started by jess09, Oct 16, 2006.

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  1. jess09

    jess09 Banned

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    I need your help. I just don't know what to do. I am 19 years-old and a virgin. I have an older boyfriend let's say who is about 30 years-old.
    He wants to have sex with me and asked me like a lot of times. He just put pressure on me. Yesterday, I went to sleep at his house and he asked me for sex, I told him I was not sure I really wanted to do it and like he put his hands down there and started taking my pants off... He told me I would have sex with him if I really liked him. I had to tell him to stop.

    I don't know what to do, whether or not I'm ready. I am just scared : of the pain, of the fact that he's far more experienced than me. Will he go slowly ? And are guys always this pushy with girls when comes sex ?
     
  2. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    if its just sex the're interested in, the the answer is "yes".
    If he really liked you, he'd back off and respect your wishes. When a guy is pushy like that, it sends a red flag.

    Now..... why are you sleeping at his house, when you know this is a problem? You can't send double signals.
     
  3. jess09

    jess09 Banned

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    But I don't want to loose him. And the reason I was sleeping at his house was that I wanted to you know just cuddle with him, sleep close to him don't necessarily for sex.
     
  4. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Okay then. He probably has you where he wants you.

    Bottom line is, you don't want to lose him - so he's playing that card. and you are young, and inexperienced, and you're gonna fall for it.

    Tell me, how long have you been in this reltionship?
     
  5. jess09

    jess09 Banned

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    For like a few weeks (3). And like he's really experienced and I'm not. I haven't had oral sex yet or anything. And I told him that and that I was scared also. He said it will be alright and he's gonna show me, and that he'll go slow.

    But I don't know but that kinds of scares me a little.
     
  6. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    Okay, at the risk of sounding like your mother :ugh , this is not good. A real relationship is based on trust and respect for each other. .. considering each other's feelings.

    Take it from a woman who's been around the block (several times) - the guy wants a piece of teenage ass. if he doesn't get yours, he'll move on. Now - is THAT the kind of 'boyfriend' you want? Is THAT the type of person that you feel you 'just don't want to lose'?

    Honey, you hold your destiny in your hands. No one can make you give up your virginity. If you want my $.02 worth, make sure your first time is wonderful, with someone that, even if things don't work out, you will have fond memories of it and him.
     
  7. jess09

    jess09 Banned

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    Can I ask you something ? He asked me if I wanted to try bondage. What is it exactly ?
     
  8. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    uhhh - let's get back to the trust and respect issue... because 'bondage' demands that those two elements be very strong.

    Next time he asks, say no. Plain & simple.
     
  9. PulpFiction

    PulpFiction New Member

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    Take it from me, someone who has been in a situation very similar to yours, and who actually went through with losing her virginity to a much older man who pressured me into sex.

    RUN AWAY. RUN AWAY NOW. DO NOT CONTACT HIM AGAIN AND DO NOT LET HIM CONTACT YOU AGAIN.

    You are young, inexperienced, and he knows that he can manipulate you. And it will not stop after you have sex with him. The fact that he has already not respected your boundaries when you said STOP speaks volumes about his character (or lack of it). This is not a relationship to him, it is a conquest. If he really cares for you, he will respect your decision to wait and not pressure you again, and in six months if you have stuck to your guns he will be OK with that. Don't give in to something you're scared of because you want to please him. I did that and it led to two years of my life spent being manipulated, used, and disrespected by someone who knew he had power over me.

    OK, so I will admit that I don't know the full story here and I may be jumping to conclusions. But my personal radar goes up whenever I see situations like this, because as someone who still regrets that decision to give in almost every day of my life, I want to save other young women from making the same mistakes I did.

    Jess, private message me if you want to talk further. Just please, PLEASE do not do anything you will regret later. Think everything through and talk with a trusted friend before you do anything. If you've got a bad feeling about anything, there's a reason for that. Listen to your gut.
     
  10. jess09

    jess09 Banned

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    Can we just talk about it here ?
     
  11. PulpFiction

    PulpFiction New Member

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    Sure, we can talk about it here. I have to admit I'm not terribly excited about sharing aspects of my experience semi-publicly, but seeing as this is fairly anonymous...I guess.
     
  12. jess09

    jess09 Banned

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    He just tells me it's been a few weeks and that will be time for us to start having sex. He says that's pretty average time.

    I just feel like I want to cuddle and all but no sex yet. You know, I just don't seem ready to yet. I'm scared.

    But then, he tells me it would be fine, that it's not gonna hurt and he kisses me abd cuddle me and then lead towards sex. I just don't know. I get mixed up feelings.

    But do you really think it's bad. I mean guys are supoposed to be a little pushy about sex don't you think ?
     
  13. PulpFiction

    PulpFiction New Member

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    That is fairly average time for people who are experienced. But when it's your first time, it's different. You don't want to make any rash decisions. And the big thing here is that he's not respecting your boundaries. I'm with Rose, this doesn't sound good. He doesn't seem to be too concerned with building trust and respect, and frankly, he sounds a lot like a guy who is more concerned with getting to have sex with a teenage virgin.

    I'm curious, how did this whole "relationship" start? How did you meet him and end up dating him?
     
  14. jess09

    jess09 Banned

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    Well, I met him through my friend. She has a brother and he's like one of his friends.

    And well I was attracted to him and we talked together and suggested we should go out sometimes. That's how it started.

    It was like really fine during our fisrt dates.
     
  15. PulpFiction

    PulpFiction New Member

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    Oh, and how old is he REALLY?
     
  16. jess09

    jess09 Banned

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    28 years-old

    Is that too big of an age gasp you think ?
     
  17. PulpFiction

    PulpFiction New Member

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    OK....most guys my age (I'm 28 in two months) don't want a real relationship with a 19 year old (and yes, I've had actually conversations along these lines with guys I know). If they're looking for something serious, they're looking for someone closer to their own age. Even if they don't want something really serious, generally they at least want a girl who is of legal drinking age. Many of the guys I know who are about this age don't want anything to do with someone who is barely out of high school unless it's purely for sex. It's really difficult to have a real relationship with someone who is in a different stage of life than you. Most people looking for something real realize this. If it's going to be more than sex, a relationship-minded person in their late twenties is looking for someone with self-knowledge who is independent, financially secure or stable, and somewhat established (or getting there) in their career, social life, and identity. Most 19 year olds don't fit that bill.

    I think it's too big of an age gap at this point. Later on, if you were in your twenties and he was in his 30s (and beyond that), you have more self-knowledge and world knowledge. At this point, you're still an adolescent and he's an adult (at least in theory).
     
  18. melicious

    melicious The Old Maid
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    I don't think it's the age difference that is the issue. I think the issue is that you KNOW he is making you feel uncomfortable and rushed, and that you've said so to him, and he continues. Any man who says "If you love me....." is off the list for me. Fuck that. Learn right here and right now, love yourself first, FIRST, MOST, BEST....always, no matter what. If he loves and respects you, he will treat you with respect. He doesn't. I say get out of this right now. This isn't how you want your first experience to be.
     
  19. jess09

    jess09 Banned

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    So you think he's just in it for sex ?
     
  20. PulpFiction

    PulpFiction New Member

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    I agree that the age difference isn't the biggest issue here, but I do think it is one way that he's wielding some power over her. The allure of the older guy is big at this age, and he knows that.

    And yeah, the fact that he's still pressuring her. GIANT red flag. This is a very less than ideal first experience.

    YES. Definitely.
     
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