[Ask a Girl] Violence Fetish

Discussion in 'Ask a Guy/Girl' started by SteveWaste, Sep 14, 2010.

  1. SteveWaste

    SteveWaste New Member

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    Okay, I won't go into graphic detail, but I have a predicament that I am working out and I just wanted some input.

    I once had a pretty steady on again / off again relationship for a few months with a girl. We didn't have sex until about the last month of this relationship. I really liked her. She was sweet. Everytime we had sex, she wanted to fight me. Like punching, scratching, biting fighting. We only had sex a few times, but everytime got more and more... intense.

    Now I'm old fashioned. I don't hit, push, or raise my voice to women. I've set several boys straight in my day when I saw them acting this way. So I got pretty uncomfortable with this pretty quickly. We would start kissing and making out and then she would want to push me away and scream at me. (This is the part where she told me that she wanted me to pursue having sex with her despite her resistance i.e. ripping off her clothes, holding her down, slapping her, etc...) I couldn't do this at first, but after several talks and my being explicit about not being able to actually bring myself to HIT her, I tried it. We had some pretty passionate sex for a couple of days. Then she wanted to ramp it up. She started punching/kicking me in the face/head; and asking me to hold her down by her neck and choke her. After one session of this extremety, I had to stop. I just didn't have it in me to do that to a woman. And my blackened eye and swollen nose looked like I had gotten into a bar fight.

    My problem is that my new girlfriend has eluded to me that she might be interested in engaging in activities like these. I had a talk with her and told her about this past relationship, and why I was reluctant; but somehow I think hearing about it turned her on, and now she's more adamant about it than ever. She says that me being so protective and caring made her feel like she could ask this from me and feel safe doing it because she knows I'll never hurt her.

    So... the question for the ladies. Does this sound totally out of the ordinary to you; or do some of you sometimes have thoughts like these? Have you engaged them? How have your partners responded? I'm having a hard time reconciling A) Not giving her what she wants; with B) Feeling guilty for hurting this woman, regardless of whether or not it's welcome.

    Thank you in advance,
    ~Steve
     
  2. Barbwire

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    Without going back and rereading your intro post or profile, I think I can maybe give you some insight.

    You are a tall, dark and handsome cop. Is it any wonder you draw a certain type of woman?

    You are perfect for the woman that has the whole "cop pulls over helpless woman and rapes her" fantasy.

    Sex is about doing things that make you feel good. If hurting a woman doesn't feel good or right to you, don't do it. Let the girls that want to be hurt date other "bad boys" and find women that you jive with better.

     
    #2 Barbwire, Sep 14, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2010
  3. Mittimer

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    Yes, I've had these thoughts, Yes, I've had this type of sex, NO, it's not an every time type of things. It REALLY has to be the type of mood I'm in.

    I don't get upset if who I'm with doesn't like it, that's not their fault.

    Oh and echo what CL said.
     
  4. HardRocker

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    I have always had trouble with role playing, not necessarily with violence, but anything that doesn't come naturally to me. It's probably a good thing; I can't be a criminal because I can't lie, or even fib. Just thought I'd throw that in.:lol

    Maybe you can experiment with your new girl and see where it goes. She may not take it to the extremes the other one did, or maybe she'll find out she doesn't really like it either. She may want you to take the lead instead of the other way around.

    Anyway, be sure and agree to an "OUT" word before you start in case one of you takes it too far for the other. Something that would never be uttered in the context of your activities, like rumpelstiltskin or something equally ridiculous.

    Oops, I just realized this was Ask a Girl. Since I already wrote all of it, I'll post it anyway.
     
  5. SteveWaste

    SteveWaste New Member

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    Thanks, and really any advice is welcome. I agree that this round will probably go very differently, as we have had sex before in a completely successful way without all of the madness that occured previously. Also, with my ex, I really don't think that she could orgasm unless it was very rough. I don't think she did the first time, and we must have had sex for an entire 20-30 minutes. She did every time after that though, through the increasing intensity. The INTERCOURSE didn't change, just the level of roughness.

    I have much more optimism about this time around though. I am just curious if I tend to attract women who are interested in this for some reason, or if it is a more widespread thing than I am aware of.

    Thanks so far,
    ~Steve
     
  6. luvbug

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    No..I have never had fantasies or thoughts like those you described. Im not into rough sex. Some people get into that stuff..but Im not one of them..and personally I dont want to be with a guy who is into it either.
     
  7. Trond

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    Women who like rough/violent sex should understand that this is an extremely uncomfortable situation for most men, as men who hit or rape women are regarded as among the most immoral people around. She should at least have understood that she aught to tell you BEFORE getting into this. Even if she asked me to, I would have been worried about doing harm, or accusations of doing harm. Remember also that the average man is a great deal stronger than the average woman, and he can cause a lot of damage if he gets carried away.

    Just an idea, although I don't know if these things go hand in hand: perhaps she likes the kind of sex that others might find degrading? If so, it might be an alternative to activities that could cause damage. (the porn industry should give plenty of ideas in this regard)

    The most 'violent' thing I ever did was to drag my wife into the bushes and pull her panties down. She didn't protest though. :D
     
  8. Reflect169

    Reflect169 New Member

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    I like rough sex...choking, grabbing, biting, being thrown around, the whole 'rape' scenario as well. i know a few girls who do.
    you need to enjoy the sex too, and maybe you need to remind your girl of this?
    CL is right, i find girls like me have 2 distinctive types (well, me and my friends do anyway)

    a) big tough stern men. men who will tell you when your wrong, whilst opening a door for you. the stern men we have are never violent in nature, they're gentle as lambs, but their size and overwhelmingly mono tonal words and actions are the precise thing were looking for.

    b) boys. we're talking thin, average build, with low self confidence and preferably little (if any) sexual experience. this way they think we're goddesses, and due to their size, they don't worry about hurting us(as much), which the bigger men do.

    a trick i always use is to emasculate my men. call them a girl, pick on a weakness, explain how they'll never be able to satisfy me. this way they make up for it in the bedroom....
    im ranting now arent i?

    umm...where was i going with this?

    ah yes, you need to take control of the violence. obviously your breaking point seems to be earlier than hers, so thats where you stop it. but also remember she may be feeling very self conscious right about now. I feel so ashamed of my violent tendencies, i only revealed them about 18 months ago (6ft6 army boy, like you, didn't do much,now i'm with a weed of a boy, white as a virgins wedding dress, and twice as inexperienced, with pubes for facial hair, and blow me, we're in business), . she probably feels that if you turn away from her you find her intentions unnatural and disgusting, so be careful to make sure she knows you don't think of her as a freak. just explain that the part of you that is uncomfortable with doing such things to a woman, is also the same part of you that she probably adores.

    as far as degrading's concerned (props to TROND), maybe growling at her how she's your little slut could work....does for me, in a stern voice say "get on your knees" then screw her.. try some basic things like grabbing her hair, and just applying a little more pressure than usual with your hands, hopefully that wont make you feel as uncomfortable.

    hope my insane ramblings brought forward some kind of help or amusement :)
     
  9. Meee

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    There's a difference between tearing off clothes, being held down, giving orders, etc., and choking and hitting in the face. There are limits you can make and still have a lot of excitement. Even enforcing the limits could be exciting. "We're doing this my way!"


    In answer to your question, yes I do this a little with my boyfriend. He didn't want to. He thought it was silly and dramatic. I felt disappointed. Then I went to him wearing some clothes that were worn and thin and said, "We're not having sex until you tear these clothes off me." He did it. So then he knew what it felt like to do it and he understood.
     
  10. SteveWaste

    SteveWaste New Member

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    Thank you ladies and Trond for your insightful responses. I don't have an inherent problem with trying everything I can to give my lady whatever she wants, always. And I've done a good deal of communicating with her about this, being sure to not make her feel that I disaprove or am judgemental; because I'm not. I just wanted to be completely honest with her about my past experiences and WHY they ended the relationship. It wasn't the nature of her desires, it was the severity that she wanted them performed. This girl wanted me to hurt her; like slap her in the face, choke her on the floor, rip chunks of her hair out hurt her. And this was even after we had talked about it several times and I expressed my values. When the clothes came off, she turned into a different person; and that's what I didn't like and couldn't do. It's not a comforting feeling knowing that you really like someone; then going to the bedroom with them and realizing that you aren't with the same person anymore.

    I am optimistic and think this time around will do differently. I don't think this lady wants me to hurt her, just to pretend like I WOULD and elude to that through actions. There will just have to be a lot of communication before hand.

    Reflect169: I really do fit into your "a)big tough stern man" description to the letter. I don't think my lady has opened a door or pulled her own chair out when we're out in over 6 months. I am as gentle as I can be with her. But with 2 blackbelts and a Jiu Jitsu class to teach, she's seen me be anything but gentle a time or 2.

    ~Steve
     
  11. heelfetish

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    I too am not really one for role playing. I guess I'm just too shy. I feel silly when trying to 'act'. I could get into rough sex, but there's no way I could choke or hit a woman, even if she was begging me for it. It's just not in me to do that.
     
  12. Barbwire

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    *pulls up to the speaker at the drive-thru and rolls down the window*

    "I'll have two A's, and a Coke, please."
     
  13. Reflect169

    Reflect169 New Member

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    :lol
    good job!
    coz I've exhausted us out of B's!