Very Frustrated

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by psmcgee, Feb 3, 2014.

  1. psmcgee

    psmcgee New Member

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    I am looking for a little insight here from women and or anyone in a happy and sexually happy relationship. I am having a real issue with my marriage due to our sex life. We have been together 7 years and married for 1 year and we are now maybe having sex twice a month. We are both busy professionals but really not that busy.... I feel as though its just not something she ever thinks about and when she does it seems more obligatory than lust filled. The sex is good not great when we have it but I would be fine with that if it were just more frequent. Can't do it before bed because she can't fall alseep after. Can't do it in the morning she is too tired or doesn't feel fresh. So now what?
    I feel very frustrated by this as I am a good guy and attentive husband that listens and treats her right so I don't feel there's some emotional disconnection happening with her. Also I tried to spice it up by getting her a vibrator on a weekend away and she liked it fine, but then put it in the closet and never mentioned it again? I guess this bugs me most because this is the woman I love and want to spend my life with but the sex in every other relationship I have had was Intense and all the time. My hope is that after 7 years things would get even more adventurous and we would evolve and explore together. But the sex is basically the same for about 4 years now. Same position, same sequence, same acceptable ways to have an orgasm. I am so frustrated its seems like now a blow job is a national holiday and I am starting to question everything. Any advice is helpful.
     
  2. HotForHoney

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    Sounds like a lot of people.
    Try this book. You both need to make time for sex.

    Emotional Fitness for Intimacy: Sweeten and Deepen Your Love in Only 10 Minutes a Day
    Barton Goldsmith

     
  3. AGFUNK

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    The obvious question: Have you ever talked to her about it?
     
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  4. lbushwalker

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    I sympathise dude; I lived that for 34 years before breaking lose because no matter what I did things never improved for very long.
    It is a disparity in sexual appetite to which frankly I don't believe there is a real solution.
    Accept, adapt or move on are your choices after having tried out all the suggestions above.
     
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  5. alwaystry

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    I am sort of in the same situation bud. It's rough , we only have sex once a week and it is pretty ordinary. She is far less adveturous and almost get's offended if I suggest things. Our sex used tobe better. And much more often .but we love eachother and I am working at it slowly to becareful withher feelings. It appears in other relationships of friends and such that it was commen for a slow time with sexbut almost all as they have gotten older it increased.so I say stick withit if you love her be slow and hopefully itcomes around but easier saidthen done sometimes , communication is the key
     
  6. psmcgee

    psmcgee New Member

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    Yes. Its acknowledged and slightly denied and then usually we have sex right away twice that week after and then back to normal.
     
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  7. psmcgee

    psmcgee New Member

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    Agreed. And now I look to the internet for some satisfaction which I am well aware is unrealistic. But Honestly, its all I have got right now. That being said I have been with a fair number of women and I feel like many were more "generous" and much more engaged in the sex. I feel like its a intrinsic desire that some of us have and others do not.
     
  8. psmcgee

    psmcgee New Member

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    Yeah, I am losing hope. We have been together since she was 25 and the big Sexual prime thing at 30 never happened. I don't want to "wait it out" 10 years to find out she is just not into it or me.
     
  9. Amature

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    Did I write this and forgot about it? This sounds like my life for about 34 years. We very seldom had sex and when we did it was like she was doing me a favor. I went several years without sex. I tried talking to her, questioned my abilities as a man, got severely depressed, tried to spice things up, tried reading books, all to no avail. We had two kids that I loved dearly and divorce was out of the question, so I just did without. And she died suddenly one morning. And I missed her then, and still miss her today. I loved this woman for 33 years, despite our sex life. And although tempted, I never cheated on her.

    I have since remarried and my sex life is great. I have talked about my previous sex life with my new wife, and she assures me it was not my lack of knowledge or ability. So I don't know what to tell you. You wife probably won't get any better I'm afraid, so I guess you either need to accept not having sex (or very little) or move on. It's hard to do though, I know. Truthfully, although I missed a lot over the years, I wouldn't wish to go back and divorce her. She must have had some psychological issues I was not aware of.
     
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  10. psmcgee

    psmcgee New Member

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    Thanks for sharing. So i guess my conundrum is do I remain faithful, married and unhappy, or do I move on ending a great marriage over this issue or..... I am just being real here.... do I pursue other avenues to satisfy my needs and maintain and good marriage? I realize that's not ethical and complex but in some ways it makes sense.
     
  11. AGFUNK

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    Sit down and have an honest conversation with her. Tell her how it makes you feel. Tell her that you feel like having sex outside of your marriage. That might just open her eyes up and change. Don't threaten her with it just be honest how you feel.
     
  12. JonJo

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    I think that what you are going through is a 'natural progression'.
    The sex is always more intense at the beginning of a relationship and seems to gradually reduce - this is probably why your other relationships seemed 'better' - they were shorter lived and finished while still at or near their 'peak'.
    A recent survey found that the frequency of sex (in a long time committed relationship) is now lower than it was twenty years ago, due to increased work and modern living pressures, and no where near what people seem to think - the average now being twice a month, so you are on 'target'.
    It would also seem that your partner might be just tired - you say no sex at bed time because she can't get to sleep afterwards and none in the morning because she is too tired or doesn't feel refreshed; that sounds like a restful sleep problem, not a sex problem.
    The success with the vibrator could have been from the fact that she was away for the weekend and the normal pressures, relaxed, not just the vibrator.
    One of the surest ways of relaxing the pressure on her is when you are talking over your 'problem', as you must do, is not to appear to be putting even more pressure on her to 'perform'.
    Nobody, if they are already near their limit, for what ever the reason, can do better no matter how they are 'persuaded' to.
    Perhaps being a little fallacious but it carries a point - There is no point in whipping an already overloaded donkey, it won't, can't go faster, it might just totally collapse.
    Seriously I think that there are other deeper reasons, on her side, for your problem and if things are getting to the stage you indicate then if you both want things to continue and 'improve' you should discuss and consider seeking professional counselling. Sometimes new eyes can see things that those too near to them miss.
     
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  13. lbushwalker

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    The above post makes a lot of sense.
    In my case counselling identified a stumbling issue.
    She complained about my sexual demands yet what I really wanted and needed was intimacy which was only given during sex.
    There was no permanent changes despite agreed outcomes and I eventually left for greener pastures.
    No looking back now but it could have been a very different ending if the commitment was there.
     
    #13 lbushwalker, Feb 5, 2014
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2014
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  14. WS4

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    I got the high drive she got low drive she only masturbates couple times a year. We have talked alot worked most of it out. Another site you might check out is married mans sex life. Helped me cause the wife did secretly want a bit more alpha male behavior but was to embaressed to tell me that sight helped me some in developing the know how to pull it off.we did years of once a week quickie sex. Married young and all was part of it. When we tried to talk about sex she always took it as criticism in a hostile way. I finally broke down wrote her a letter 6 years or so ago and told her all the nasty things I wanted to do with her that got the ball rolling. My sex life gets better every day now got her using toys squirting sucking cock even lets me eat her out after I cum in her. Hell some I just drag her in the bedroom throw her face down on the bed and try to knock the bottom out of it she actually makes little mewing sounds couldn't do that ten years ago. Some guys give up and bolt some suffer I took the find new plan of attack route. Whatever you decide it will be the right decision for you nobody else.
     
  15. EnglishDad

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    This maybe of some help ( just found it browsing the net )

    http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-se...starved-marriage-when-your-libidos-dont-match

    One question, who does the housework ?
    Maybe she is always tired, some women find it hard going working during the day, then to come home make the dinner, do the washing, tidying cleaning and ironing.
    Not easy to feel sexual when your doing this on a daily basis, and maybe having to care for the children to, while the guy watches the TV. ( the
    stressful work of lifting the remote and deciding what channel to put on.

    Not saying this is you by the way.
     
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  16. BlueCollar

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    One thing that turns my wife on constantly is my willingness to clean the house and do the daily routine with our kids. Even if I come home filthy and worn out from work I still do these things. Why? Because she's just as busy and just as tired. And because one person can't do it all. And I know it's a turn on for her lol.
    We've been in "sex slumps" over the years-it does happen. But we've always found a way to bring it back to regular hot intense sex everytime. It takes effort love and two people wanting the same thing. And most of all communication. That's the key.
    Sometimes it's a fight sometimes it's just a conversation but working through it is what makes a relationship stronger. Sex is a very important part of a relationship. Intimacy as well. If those needs aren't met for one or both the relationship fails and eventually ends. My two cents...
     
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  17. CaramelLady

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    Went through a slump like this with my husband. Had a 45 minute commute each way (his was 10) ... Did the housework, cooking, shopping, etc. had to have a sparky talk with him. Suffice to say...the dishes didn't always get done. :cool:
     
  18. JonJo

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    It is very true that some women do, as BlueCollar said, find the fact that a man is willing to help a turn on but even today, in some 'societies, only going back one generation, they don't because it is seen as "not being manly".
    I live in a district that has always been, going back hundreds of years, a place of heavy industry and coal mining. A few years ago I was in a relationship where give and take was the norm. One Sunday after a family lunch, while her father just went and sat down and went to sleep, I helped clear away and started helping with washing the dishes; her mother came in and told me to stop and go and sit down and "let the women do that kind of work". I did as I was told and heard her telling her daughter "it wasn't right for a man to be doing things like that, it was the woman's place to look after her man".
    Luckily her daughter did appreciate my efforts to help but I can't say that it 'turned her on'. Maybe her years of 'brain washing' affected this.
     
  19. Redline1

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    Ok so I was in your same situation at the 7 year mark. And it continued probably for another 7. Im not sure of your ages but it can play a role. I think that I would still be there if the wife hadn't come of age. As in she turned the big 37. Man when that hit it was like a bomb went off. I tried it all, the talking the pampering the tell me what you want.... I mean I was at my wits end. This year will be our 20th and I can't tell you how much fun we've had these last three. Probably the best sex we've had in our entire marriage. She all of a sudden opened up to me about her wants and needs. Like out of the blue. Side note she did read the 50 shades books. After that and her turning 37 has been crazy good since then. One thing that she did want from me was to take control in every way. And so I did and haven't looked back. I do to her whatever I want and she happily gives me her best assets pardon the pun. Now I get to put it wherever and whenever I want. I just take it at any time and she loves it.

    If there is one thing I can tell you is be patient and keep trying to talk. Hopefully she will come around.