very disheartening problem

Discussion in 'Sex and Relationships' started by Shy Girl, Jan 14, 2008.

  1. Shy Girl

    Shy Girl New Member

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    a little background:

    as some of you know, I originally joined this forum bc I had an issue with not being able to get off. being 25 years old, been sexually active for 7 years and after having 3 kids, I had never been able to orgasm, not even by myself. well 10-11 months ago I was finally able to do that, and everything was going great until recently.

    I still haven't been able to get off with the man yet. Not during intercourse, not during oral or otherwise. I didn't think it was a big issue, as he knew my history, until a few days ago. Our sex life has been suffering pretty badly. When we first hooked up, it was sex every day for 2 weeks straight and then we leveled off to once every other day or so. Now I am lucky to get laid once a week, sometimes it gets close to 2 weeks! This makes me feel horrible, like he has become disinterested or I am doing something wrong.

    A couple nights ago we got to talking and he said that he "thinks" he doesn't want to have sex with me because of my inability to orgasm with him/by him. He says he knows it isn't his fault that I can't get off (I know it's in my head, rather than his technique) but I don't understand why exactly he is feeling this way. I cannot tell him enough how I just want to be close to him and that sex, even without orgasm, is so damn good. I find myself masturbating a lot now bc of the lack of sex and it's not working anymore (meaning: I still get off but I'd rather have HIM). I don't know what to do now or how to approach this any better than I already have. I don't want the lack of sex to end our relationship, but this whole situation has made me feel really bad about myself. Like I sabotaged myself from getting laid because I can't get off, like I am broken and I am now useless. WTF
     
  2. Barbwire

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    I am sorry that you are having such problems, hon, but I REALLY think you need to talk to a professional about this, not the folks here on the forum. This issue goes deeper than we can even imagine, I am sure. Please, for your sake, get counseling of some sort and keep us posted on your progress. ((hugs))
     
  3. Halogen

    Halogen New Member

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    First off, I'm sorry you're having these issues.. :(

    Second - and I mean this in the most gentle way possible..are you sure this guy is the one for you? He seems awfully childish if he doesn't want to have sex because of whatever insecurity he might have.

    Also, I think that the worse you feel about this, the harder it will be to orgasm. This is NOT your fault.

    Another way to possibly get the orgasming going again is to perhaps explore new sexual territory. Does anything strike your fancy that you haven't tried yet, like perhaps BDSM or..anal or anything like that?
     
  4. Rose

    Rose Resident Sexy Grandma
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    THAT, in itself, is a profound statement. I hurt for you, Shy Girl.

    You said you "cannot tell him enough" that you just need the closeness of sex; the body-to-body experience. It's is foreign to a man (generally speaking) to understand a woman's ability to get necessary satisfaction from the act of sex, even if orgasm is not attained. To him, regardless of what he says, he feels it's HIS failure. Bringing a woman to orgasm is one of man's most inherent desires, as it gives him his primal feeling of manhood.

    So both of you may be in need of some sort of counselling. These things can be worked out, but it takes alot of commitment to each other and to the relationship.

    Your 'broken-ness' can be fixed. (*Note: Your word, not mine :) )

    I had many lovely relationships, but orgasms were not a part of most of them. For whatever reason, it took a very long time to be able to expect to have one. For that reason, there were many times that I fell into the trap of faking an orgasm, as the man would not stop until "it" happened. I was fully satisfied (to the extent that I enjoyed), but men (again, in general) need to hear that thrashing, screaming physical outburst before they will believe that their partner is happy.

    Definitely talk about counseling - for YOUR emotional/sexual health. Hopefully, his love for you will give him the motivation to try. Good luck! :grouphug
     
  5. Shy Girl

    Shy Girl New Member

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    Thanks all. What's funny is, he even mentioned we may need counselling to get through this. being the stubborn (and cheap) girl I am, I was kind of determined to fix this on our own. This problem has been ongoing for months now, but I was finally able to get him to speak to me about it (which I think is obviously a step in the right direction)

    halogen - it is yet to be determined whether he is "the one" for me or not. I love him very much even though he is one of the most difficult men I've ever known. Despite his selfish ways, he makes me laugh all the time and I adore being around him.
     
  6. Joe

    Joe
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    I agree that counseling is your best bet at this point. If you broke your arm, you likely wouldn't try home remedies to fix it; you'd go to a doctor. Same thing applies here. You've tried without professional help long enough. "He" mentioned it, so this is a good time to do it.

    The biggest problem with counselors is that some are inept. Get a recommendation from your doctor if possible, and if you aren't making progress or aren't happy with that counselor, find a different one.

    Good luck!
     
  7. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Man, I can speak from a little experience here...I had a girlfriend for about 4 years toward the end of college who couldn't have orgasms. I don't think she ever really tried to find what brought her an orgasm, so I pretty much did all the work to try to give her the big "O" myself. I never was able to. She enjoyed sex, she just couldn't have an orgasm.

    For a while, it did leave me feeling like it was my fault, that I wasn't doing something that worked for her. So, I tried everything I could think of (and everything that I knew at the time, which is admittedly not as much as I know now). Eventually, I just accepted that she couldn't get her rocks but enjoyed it anyway, and accepted that I didn't have to feel guilty about getting my rocks when she couldn't. I do have to say that it wasn't exactly the most enjoyable sex of my life (I learned quite a bit from the girlfriend before and then the girlfriend-who-became-wife after was and still is mind-bending in the sack), but it was still sex. I think I released all that pent-up passion on my wife when I met her...worst case, I got a lot of practice in before my wife that she has benefited from. :brow

    So yeah, he might be blaming himself to some extent. I would have to disagree with Rose a little though...I certainly do enjoy the physical closeness of sex as well as the orgasmic part of it (touch is one of my main love languages, so it's kind of a given...I would enjoy that part of it even if I didn't have an orgasm for some reason), but I also realize that not all men are exactly the same in that regard.

    I'd tend to think it's some mental block that's impeding your orgasms rather than something physical (I'm sure that was my ex-girlfriend's case)...but just in case, have you been to a doctor to get the physical side checked out? If not, start there. Then, it sure sounds like a therapist would be the right way to find and hopefully remove the presumed mental block to it.

    For your guy...tell him what you just told us about how you savor sex with him even if you don't have an orgasm. Put on some lingerie, grab him and throw him down on the couch, and pounce on top of him, etc....actions speak a lot louder than words for some things, so show him that it's something you want and need regardless of anything else. That will likely make you feel better AND make him feel better, and that's a good perspective to go into therapy or counseling with.

    HTH,
    Dave
     
    #7 BassDude, Jan 14, 2008
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2008
  8. yorkiesmurf

    yorkiesmurf New Member

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    From my experinece it does take women a while to orgasm on a regular basis with her partner and it takes a while for her to learn how to orgasm. Also I have found rushing sex does not allow enough time for a woman to orgasm as foreplay needs to be sufficient. I wonder if he is more concerned about his physical needs and not yours?

    In all honesty he is not right for you and you are probably feeling the need to keep him because you opened up to him about your issue of orgasming. If he cannot accept you for who you are then he is not worth your time. You need someone who will accept you for who you are and enjoys being with you. That person should be someone who is willing to be patient as you learn to orgasm and should not care if you do not. There are many guys out there who do care about the person that they are with and not looking for a quick lay in order to 'get their rocks off'.
     
  9. Bluesy

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    Beautifully said :tup ShyGirl, you say he's "difficult", and I wonder if this has had an impact on your emotional well-being to the extent that you've become incapable of completely relaxing and letting your guard down in the bedroom. If you don't feel emotionally safe with your partner, that's bound to translate into sexual problems...and perhaps on a subconscious level.
     
  10. Shy Girl

    Shy Girl New Member

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    Well, I can orgasm on my own, just not with him. And it's not because of who he is either, I wasn't able to get off with anyone else I've been with either. I simply feel I can't get off because I'm mentally trying too hard, am easily distracted, etc. I know we've been together 9 months now, but I don't feel that he should give up on me so soon, not in that way. If he pushes me away, how am I ever going to get to the point where I can get off?

    Damn men and their complicated issues :p
     
  11. kitttiekat

    kitttiekat New Member

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    Are you sure he isn't getting it somewhere else? First of all there isn't anything wrong with you. Many women don't have the big O every time and still have enjoyable sex lives. If you can get yourself off you are half way to getting off with someone else. I think you need to find a man that is sensitive and patient.
    You could lie next to each other on the bed and watch each other masturbate. Or let him use a vibrator on you. Another option is to have sex doggie style while you reach around with a hand, vibrator, etc... and stimulate your clit. Your man should make you feel good about yourself, not worthless. Masturbate as much as you can, the more you know what you like the easier it is to direct someone else. I really hope you find someone you are comfortable with.:)
     
  12. BassDude

    BassDude New Member

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    Absolutely agreed :tup I didn't gather from the original post that he was being uncaring about it though...he suggested the counseling, right? I guess it depends on how he suggested it...maybe the OP can give us more insight?

    BD
     
  13. slamd097

    slamd097 New Member

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    I have the answer:

    GO AND SEE A PRO!!! seriously, there is some problems that are running deep. CL is right...Hugs..
     
  14. Shy Girl

    Shy Girl New Member

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    He wasn't being a dick about it if that's what you mean.

    Had great sex last night, so there's still hope I'm sure. I guess I just need to be patient and not let this grind into my subconcious.
     
  15. FlirtyChick

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    I agree with Bluesy. If you don't feel safe with him, then this may be part of your problem. You say that you can get off alone, which speaks for the fact that this is not a physical issue for you. It *seems* to be a problem of being vunerable with a man, and you should look into your past and try to determine why you cannot trust any man enough to let go and experience orgasm. Sex, whether casual or in a loving relationship is a very personal experience. It is my belief that it is an act committed not only with the body but involves the heart and soul as well. It would be worth your while to get counseling, and remember to never, ever settle for a "difficult" and "selfish" partner. You deserve better than that. I hope it works out...((HUGS))
     
  16. Goldenlion

    Goldenlion Banned

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    What she said, i really hope you manage to sort it out.
    I think you should do the above and speak to your boyfriend, explain that his attitude isnt helping the situation and you need his understanding and support if your gonna try help yourself.

    Best of luck to you.
     
  17. bighiker2003

    bighiker2003 Banned

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    Shy Girl said
    Shy Girl we don't all have complicated issues.
    You stated that He was the most diffucult man you have met
    So why are you still with Him.

    Hiker
     
  18. poster_guy03

    poster_guy03 New Member

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    This may have been said before (I may have missed it in reading this thread). One of the issues could be inside your head. A counselor can help you sort this out and communicate it to your S/O.

    The second issue could be a matter of the right technique. You are orgasmic with yourself so you know a way to get there. Have you explicitly taught him what works for you? (If he won't use your technique then he's not a very sensitive partner.) At least in my book.
     
  19. bsxy420

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    shy girl i know where you are coming from. i have a hard time reaching the big O, my bf feels like hes not doing his job(his words) if i dont get off. we use to have sex all the time. now its down to once a week sometimes once every 2. i dont have any better advice than anyone else has already said. try to get your self to relax and enjoy. stop thinking so hard about it.
     
  20. cook74

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    If you want to orgasm with your your partner try (with his consent) to just use him as a masturbatory tool. Forget about his fun, and just concentrate on yours. This sometimes works for us. My partner sometimes just uses my body as she wants. She directs me, tells me to put what where, and at what speed etc.

    Then you might find that certain things work for both of you. ;)